My Butler

My butler, Nigel Sampson
Is perhaps the most erotic man
I have ever met
In my life
Watching him clean my silverware
Is like witnessing
Someone lick the frosting
Off a statue
Of a naked woman

...While cleaning silverware
The way he handles
My forks...
I should introduce myself

My name is Miriam Slater
Four-time widow
One-time mourner

In addition to being intensely sexual
Nigel Sampson
Is also incredibly British


All my butlers have been British
Except for Sven
Who was Swedish


He was lost in the East Wing
And nobody's ever seen him again
Although I still believe
He probably burrowed his way out of the library
And is living safely in the pool house


Hahaha--I'm joking of course


I don't let the help
Stay in the pool house
Nigel never gets lost
He has an impeccable sense of direction
He knows his way around
Every inch of my...home
And he's got that brilliant accent
That only real British servants have


Is it any wonder
I've been having dreams
Where I'm living somewhere
That resembles Downtown Abbey
And then slowly, this throbbing music begins to play
From the nearest pantry
And the next thing I know
Nigel is there
And downstairs is upstairs
And upstairs is downstairs
And all rules of class
And society be damned!
We're in love!

And then I wake up
And no one's there
Just the pile of hundredsI keep next to my pillowAt all times

It comforts me


I could tell Harold
About my little crush
But I don't want to ruin what we have


A beautiful friendship


A beautiful, unique sort of friendship
Where I pay my friend
And he knows exactly
How I like my napkins folded


That kind of trust and respect
Comes along once in a lifetime


So I go on admiring from afar
And he goes polishing my spoons
And waxing my...


Well...


Some things should stay private


Don't you agree?