CAROL: But I don't KNOW her!
MARK: Carol, I'm right here. You don't have to yell.
CAROL: Was I YELLING?
MARK: Yes.
CAROL: I'm sorry, honey. The war did that to me.
MARK: Which war?
CAROL: POKEMON!
MARK: I'm sorry?
CAROL: Anyway, she's not my friend. She's nobody's friend. I don't want her to know what I'm doing with my time.
MARK: But you know her.
CAROL: Of course I KNOW her! And Bette Davis knew Little Richard, but they HATED each other!
MARK: Did they?
CAROL: That was just an example. What I mean is--I'm not going to 'friend' her because we're not friends. If you're 'friends' with someone you LIKE them. I don't LIKE her. I LOATHE her. Is there a button for that? If you LOATHE somebody?
MARK: No, not yet. We tested a program like it in Bulgaria but it caused a civil war.
CAROL: DONUT HOLE!
MARK: We talked about this. No dessert until you eat your dinner.
CAROL: This hot tub is fabulous, Mark. FABULOUS.
MARK: I heard you, I heard you.
CAROL: CHEESEBURGER!
MARK: Your doctor told me not to feed you dairy. He said you can only process raw meat and almond butter.
CAROL: You know so much about me, Mark. See, YOU'RE my FRIEND. Not that old bat. I'd hit your button!
MARK: Please don't say that.
CAROL: BUT I WOULD!
MARK: You can't just be friends with people you're actually friends with, Carol. It's not just about friendship, it's about the people who exist in your life--good and bad.
CAROL: Then shouldn't you call it something else, dear?
MARK: It's...evolved from what it once was, but once you have a label--
CAROL: SANTA CLAUS!
MARK: Just friend her already, Carol!
CAROL: I'd rather not.
MARK: You know her, so friend her. It's as simple as that.
CAROL: But then the word 'friend' doesn't mean anything.
MARK: It DOESN'T mean anything. Not anymore. It's an antiquated notion. Everybody has two groups of people in their life--the people they're jealous of, and the people they're better than. That's it.
CAROL: My goodness, you're sad, poor thing. Is it because you're a ginger?
MARK: No.
CAROL: Mickey Rooney was a ginger. And a hell of a fox trotter.
MARK: Please stop.
CAROL: Or was that Burt Lancaster?
MARK: Carol, I'm begging you--
CAROL: MICROWAVE!
MARK: CAROL I'M UNFRIENDING YOU!
(A beat.)
CAROL: You are?
MARK: Yes. I'm sorry, but--all you do is post pictures of your elbows, and they're so awful--
CAROL: Oh.
MARK: --And you don't know the difference between your inbox and your wall. You keep posting things on my timeline asking if I think the thing on your elbow is infected, and I think it is, but--
CAROL: I see.
MARK: I just--can't deal with you on there anymore. I mean, in life, sure, you're a hoot, but--
CAROL: Well, that's fine, dear.
MARK: ...Really?
CAROL: Of course, honey, it's just some stupid website. Who cares if we're friends on there or not? As long as we're friends in real life.
MARK: Well--okay.
CAROL: How are those dogs coming?
MARK: Uh...should be done in a second. I left yours raw like your doctor--
CAROL: That's lovely, dear.
MARK: Good.
CAROL: Just lovely.
MARK: Good.
CAROL: One more thing--
MARK: Yes?
CAROL: Are we still friends on Myspace?
MARK: That's not funny, Carol.
CAROL: Are you sure, dear? It tickled me pink.
(She laughs. MARK smiles. The hot dogs burn slightly.)
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