Twenty Seconds

Twenty seconds
And I quit because...

Because my mom stayed twenty years
And they were lies

All day, everyday
Every second of it--dishonest

And I didn't want to do that so--

You're looking at me and say
That I didn't try

But I know why I didn't try
I didn't try because the result
Would have been the same

And trying would be like saying--

'Maybe this could work'

When I know
And I don't know how I know
But I just know
Deep down
That it won't

And it's not because
I don't want it to

It would be easier
It would be easier to lie too
But...

Twenty seconds in
I looked at you
And for twenty seconds
I wasn't myself

I was somebody
In a moment
That wasn't authentic

And that's not guru nonsense either
It's not from a self-help book
You know I don't read that shit
It's just what it was

My life was clear
And at some point
It started to fog
And in that foggy moment
I looked and everything was clear
Except you

You were the one thing left
I still couldn't see

It was like the opposite of a tunnel
If I tried to move towards you
I'd just be getting lost again

Not in you
But away from myself

So I broke
I severed
I stepped back

Twenty seconds
And I could see again

The truth was a knife
On the infection
One cut
And the tension's gone
The swelling goes down
It hurts
But it's healing
Already

I could have waited to do it
But who knows how much time I had?

Thirty seconds could have been
Too late