Madonna Explains Madonna to Madonna

     (YOUNG MADONNA tries on clothes in a boutique Forever 21 while OLD MADONNA watches and occasionally plays on her phone.)

OLD MADONNA (MADGE):  You're too old for that.

YOUNG MADONNA (MADONNA):  Shut up.  Am not.

MADGE:  I'm not going to argue with you, but you're definitely too old to wear that.

MADONNA:  Look who's talking.

MADGE:  I'm not paying for that.

MADONNA:  I have my own money.  I don't need you to pay for anything.

MADGE:  I have a lot more money than you do.

MADONNA:  Well, yeah, of course you do.  You've been around for a million years now.

MADGE:  Don't be a gash.

MADONNA:  What the hell is a gash?

MADGE:  It's a slang term.  The Brits use it.

MADONNA:  You're not British.

MADGE:  I'm a citizen of the world.

MADONNA:  That's not a thing.  That's not a thing you can be.

MADGE:  You can be anything you want to be.  That's the tagline on my new perfume.

MADONNA:  You have a perfume?  Did you give up music?

MADGE:  No, I simply expanded my reach.

MADONNA:  Why do you talk like a fortune cookie?

MADGE:  You're so limited.  I feel so bad knowing what male-dominated mainstream culture has done to you knowing it's going to take you so long to shuck it off like so much dead skin.

MADONNA:  Didn't you perform oral sex on a cucumber in Berlin last night?

MADGE:  I was experimenting with per-conceived notions about vegetables.

MADONNA:  How'd that go?

MADGE:  The results were mixed.

MADONNA:  The sound of your voice is putting me to sleep.  You sound like somebody narrating a PBS special about dolphins.

MADGE:  Majestic creatures.  I'm writing an opera about them actually.

MADONNA:  Who ARE you?

MADGE:  Look, I know this may be hard for you to understand, but being Madonna means so much more now than it used to.  I stand for something greater than just 'pop music.'

MADONNA:  Wow.  Then you must be selling a lot more records than I do.

MADGE:  I--

MADONNA:  Just kidding.  I know you're not.  This whole talking to yourself thing goes both ways in terms of knowledge.  I know just as much about you as you know about me.

MADGE:  Oh.

MADONNA:  Disappointing, huh?  I'm sure you'd much rather be the omnipotent one in this situation.

MADGE:  I didn't even realize I knew the word omnipotent before 1995.

MADONNA:  Give yourself more credit.

MADGE:  Are you aware that your biggest claim to fame is climbing out of a wedding cake dressed like an extra from a Billy Idol video just so you could hump the air and--

MADONNA:  And put MTV on the map.  And the VMA's.  And myself.  I mean, c'mon, you may not like this particular part of your life, but people still refer to you as the Material Girl, so clearly, I was doing something right.

MADGE:  I wish I could talk to Ray of Light-Me.  She was so deep, and people loved her--

MADONNA:  You can talk to her.  She's at a koala retreat in Sydney learning how to play the didgeridoo.

MADGE:  Ugh, she's so amazing.  Why can't I be her again?

MADONNA:  Why don't you want to be me?  I had so much going for me.  I was going to be a movie star.

MADGE:  You were never going to be a movie star.

MADONNA:  I sort of was.

MADGE:  No, you weren't.

MADONNA:  I--

MADGE:  Second banana to Geena Davis is NOT a movie star.

MADONNA:  Hey, was Evita good?

MADGE:  I thought the knowledge thing went both ways?

MADONNA:  It does, but only when I feel like looking stuff up on Wikipedia.  Certain things I never got around to.  Evita, the American Life album, anything involving Dennis Rodman--

MADGE:  Great, not great, and really not great.

MADONNA:  What were you thinking?

MADGE:  About which thing?

MADONNA:  All of it!  I look at your life, my future, and, even when you're successful, the first thing that comes into my mind is--What the hell made her DO that?

MADGE:  I'm a trailblazer.

MADONNA:  Are you sure you're not just mentally ill?

MADGE:  It's 2013, Madonna.  Everybody's mentally ill.

MADONNA:  Where I am it's 1984.  Everybody's on drugs.  Maybe the drugs made everybody crazy?

MADGE:  Maybe the drugs were keeping the crazy at bay.

MADONNA:  Maybe.

MADGE:  I wish we could have been famous in the 20's.  Back when it meant something.  Nowadays, you sell out an arena in Hong Kong, and it's--So what?  Anybody can sell out Hong Kong.  So what?  Anybody can land a number one album in the first week.  So what if she's still around?  Her time's passed.  The only people who like her are old.  She's old.  She's...I can't tell if everything's different or if things have always been this way and I'm just seeing things from the other side now.  I'd ask somebody older than me but--

MADONNA:  That's a pretty small pond to fish from.

MADGE:  You're so disrespectful.

MADONNA:  Please, I made a career out of it.  (She holds up a ridiculous top that looks more like a shredded table cloth.)  Love?

MADGE:  Absolutely not.  You're not wearing that.

MADONNA:  Because it's too revealing?

MADGE:  As if I'd care.

MADONNA:  Then why?

MADGE:  Because your daughter has one just like it.  If she sees you in that, you're going to get a very nasty voicemail from her personal assistant.

MADONNA:  Oh.

      (MADONNA puts the top back.  MADGE sends out a text.  MADONNA feels awkward.)

MADONNA:  I was just wondering...

MADGE:  Yes?

MADONNA:  Am I a good mother?

MADGE:  You think I'm going to be able to answer that question honestly?

MADONNA:  Try.  I mean, it's just you and me.  And the salesgirl.  Am I?

MADGE:  You're..................................................................................

MADONNA:  ...........

MADGE:  You do your best.

    (She sends another text message.)

MADONNA:  Is that...Is that good?

MADGE:  It's the only thing you can do.

MADONNA:  Yeah.

     (A pause.)

     ....Yeah.

     (She goes back to shopping while MADGE continues to text.)