Miley Cyrus Explains the Light Bulb to Thomas Edison

     (MILEY and THOMAS sit watching a tennis match.)

MILEY:  I guess it would start with fire, right?

THOMAS:  Well...what would?

MILEY:  The light bulb.  Making a light bulb.  Wouldn't you start with fire?

THOMAS:  I...Actually, I'd like to hear where you go with this...

MILEY:  So, like, you make fire, and you, I mean, there's a harness, right?

THOMAS:  A harness?

MILEY:  Well, not a real harness, but, like, you harness energy, right?

THOMAS:  Actually, yes.  Well--yes, we do.  I mean, that's--Yes.

MILEY:  And then you put it in the light bulb.

THOMAS:  Well...it's more--

MILEY:  And there's the atoms, right?

THOMAS:  What?

MILEY:  The atoms.  The light's in the atoms.  You just take it out and put it in the light bulb.

THOMAS:  We don't--

MILEY:  I mean, like, the photons.  The light photons.  You take those out.

THOMAS:  Well, first we have to--

MILEY:  Aren't I supposed to be explaining this to you?

THOMAS:  Right.

MILEY:  Watch the game.

THOMAS:  Match.

MILEY:  What?

THOMAS:  The match.

MILEY:  You could use a match, but then you wouldn't need electricity.

THOMAS:  No, I mean--

MILEY:  Anyway, you have to excite the electrons.  That's what gets the photons out.

THOMAS:  How do you think we excite them?

MILEY:  I don't know.  Do you tickle them or something?

THOMAS:  I'm really not supposed to help you with--

MILEY:  Right, right.  Never mind.  The filament does everything anyway.

THOMAS:  It doesn't do--

MILEY:  It does a lot.  The filament's important.  I mean, what would you say does the most work?  The electrical foot contact?  The glass mount?  The support wires?

THOMAS:  Talk a little bit more about the filament.

MILEY:  Finally we're getting somewhere.  Filaments made out of tungsten don't melt unless it's really hot which is important because you need heat to excite the atoms and that much heat would melt a lot of stuff, like, you know, paper and cheese.

THOMAS:  Right.  Well--uh, keep going.

MILEY:  I mean, tungsten will catch on fire if it's hot enough, but--

THOMAS:   The--

MILEY:  You know you probably put a lot of lamp lighters out of business when you invented the light bulb.

THOMAS:  Progress has its victims.

MILEY:  So do sharks.

THOMAS:  What?

MILEY:  They kill people too.  But only when they think they're killing seals.  It's really not their fault.  We did a Hannah Montana episode about that.

THOMAS:  You did?

MILEY:  Either that or I imagined it.  Sometimes I hallucinate things when I take Aspirin at an Imagine Dragons concert.  We've all been there, right?

THOMAS:  There are dragons in the future?

MILEY:  No, dragons are from the past.  Don't you watch Game of Thrones?

THOMAS:  I do not.

MILEY:  Have it your way, Burger King.

THOMAS:  You know, as the inventor of the light bulb--

MILEY:  Didn't Joseph Swan invent the light bulb?

THOMAS:  No, he didn't.

MILEY:  I Googled it and it said he might have.

THOMAS:  Google is wrong.

MILEY:  Google's never wrong.

THOMAS:  Google told me you're a robot Disney invented to invade China.

MILEY:  Like I said, Google's never wrong.

THOMAS:  I'm not sure I can give you a passing grade.  Your understanding of my invention--

MILEY:  Alleged invention.

THOMAS:  It--You don't know what you're talking about.

MILEY:  Dude, I'm not getting graded on this.  We're just making conversation.

THOMAS:  Why on earth would I want to converse with you about something I created?

MILEY:  You never know, Alva.  You might just learn something.

     (They sit in silence.  The match continues.)