(GEORGE W. BUSH is painting DARWIN, who is nude.)
GEORGE: Please don't, uh, move so much.
DARWIN: Sorry.
GEORGE: It's all right. It happens.
DARWIN: I get itchy.
GEORGE: It's okay to, uh, scratch...uh...what part of you...uh?
DARWIN: No, not--just--my nose, I mean.
GEORGE: Got it. Got it.
(A short pause.)
Got it.
DARWIN: Wouldn't you prefer a...female...model?
GEORGE: Laura won't sit for me anymore. She gets testy.
DARWIN: I see.
GEORGE: You know how women can be.
DARWIN: I do indeed.
GEORGE: I figured as long as we had to chat, you might as well make yourself useful. Nowadays everybody wants to talk to me. Talk, talk, talk. More people want to talk to me now than when I was the President. I tell 'em--this is what I do now. I paint. I relax. I keep my cholesterol right below code red levels. (He chuckles to himself.) So if somebody wants to talk for me, they have to sit for me like you're doing now.
DARWIN: Who else has sat for you?
GEORGE: Ohhh lots of people. Dan Rather, Ted Cruz, my father--
DARWIN: Your father's sat for you?
GEORGE: With clothes on, yes.
DARWIN: Oh.
GEORGE: I didn't like the outcome though.
DARWIN: Of the talk?
GEORGE: No, of the painting. He casts too much of a shadow.
DARWIN: I don't imagine this talk will take all that long. Your knowledge of natural selection being...Well, I don't suppose it's very extensive.
GEORGE: Actually, I know everything there is to know about natural selection.
DARWIN: Do you?
GEORGE: Yes, sir. I took an online class in it the first month after I was out of office. Fascinating.
DARWIN: I'm glad you find the subject so interesting.
GEORGE: No, I mean, fascinating that you can take classes on the internet. Next month I'm enrolled in a class on classic television. We take a test on 'The Honeymooners!' Do you believe that?
DARWIN: I'm not sure which part of it I should be believing?
GEORGE: Anyway, natural selection in three easy steps: First there were fish, then were monkeys, then there were men. Natural selection. Can you turn towards me a little bit?
DARWIN: Uh--
GEORGE: Just a little.
DARWIN: Oh--of course.
(He angles himself more towards GEORGE.)
GEORGE: That's great. Wow, you have great bone structure. I'm really impressed.
DARWIN: Thank you.
GEORGE: You want to work out after this?
DARWIN: Mr. President, I have to inform you that your understanding of natural selection is simplistic to say the least.
GEORGE: Keep it simple, stupid. I have that on a bumper sticker on the back of my truck. Right next to the one that says 'Live Free, Pie Hard' and it has a picture of a pie next to it.
DARWIN: Mr. President--
GEORGE: Call me George.
DARWIN: George--
GEORGE: I like pie.
DARWIN: I imagine you do. The trouble is--
GEORGE: It's a stupid theory.
DARWIN: What?
GEORGE: The trouble is it's a stupid theory. People don't look like fish. And fish don't look like monkeys. And monkeys don't look like people. Doesn't work no matter how you add it--Well, some people look like monkeys. My brother Jeb looks like a gorilla, but that's about it.
DARWIN: George--
GEORGE: Turn a little more towards me.
DARWIN: I'm looking right at you.
GEORGE: Open up your legs a little bit.
DARWIN: Why?
GEORGE: I want to try something.
DARWIN: I'd prefer it if you didn't.
GEORGE: I thought you were British?
DARWIN: I am.
GEORGE: ...So...
DARWIN: I have no idea where you're going with this.
GEORGE: You think you used to be a turtle, huh?
DARWIN: I do not.
GEORGE: Right, sorry--you think your grandma used to be a turtle?
DARWIN: A turtle is not a fish. I'm assuming you know that?
GEORGE: It ain't a monkey either.
DARWIN: Right.
GEORGE: Well there you go. So where'd the turtles come from?
DARWIN: George--
GEORGE: Man, you got a nose on you.
DARWIN: GEORGE!
GEORGE: What?
DARWIN: You really don't have a grasp on this at all.
GEORGE: ...Really?
DARWIN: I'm afraid not.
GEORGE: I got a 'D' in the course.
DARWIN: Well, there you are. You failed it.
GEORGE: I didn't fail. I got a 'D.' A 'D' is passing.
DARWIN: But barely.
GEORGE: You can't be good at everything you know. Some people are good at science, some people are good at politics and governing and leadership and--
DARWIN: --And some people are good at painting.
GEORGE: --Right! So maybe the thing you're good at is what you know the most about and maybe you shouldn't get yourself involved with all that other stuff, but you gotta try it or else how would you know you're not good at it?
DARWIN: Yes, exactly.
GEORGE: That's why you probably should have stuck to modeling and let people who actually know a few things about science handle tricky stuff like evolution.
DARWIN: What people would you consider qualified?
GEORGE: You know, the Pope...his friends...
DARWIN: I'd like to put my clothes back on, please.
GEORGE: What's the matter? Ain't you having fun? After this, we can play some golf. Take a steam. Maybe squeeze in a nap.
DARWIN: I'm...uncomfortable.
GEORGE: That's natural--no pun intended. But don't let it bother you. Just give yourself over to the artist, Chuck. He knows what he's doing.
(CHARLES might start to cry a little. GEORGE continues to paint.)
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