(The year is 1996. CHARLTON HESTON is in bed with JANE GOODALL. They're having a conversation after having just made love several times. JANE might smoke, she probably does in fact. CHARLTON gazes out her make-shift window into the jungle.)
CHARLTON: They're watching us.
JANE: You're paranoid.
CHARLTON: I know what I'm talking about, Jane. I've seen it.
JANE: You've seen them watching us?
CHARLTON: No, I've seen what happens when you underestimate the beasts.
JANE: The chimps aren't fascinated by human love-making. They'd be more interested in watching us knit.
CHARLTON: What do I look like, woman? A German housefrau?
(JANE begins to get up, using the blanket to shield her nakedness.)
JANE: I'm going to make myself some tea. Would you like some?
CHARLTON: Do you have any peppered rum?
JANE: I don't believe I do, no.
CHARLTON: My God, you really are roughing it, aren't you?
JANE: I don't need much, Mr. Heston. Just my work and a few basic necessities.
CHARLTON: Mr. Heston? Woman, we just made love for twelve hours. Will you please refer to me as Master?
JANE: Whatever you prefer.
CHARLTON: And I can see you don't have a single weapon here to defend yourself with when those apes finally bust in here and make you their concubine.
JANE: They're not apes, they're chimps.
CHARLTON: They're all the same! Apes, chimps, beatniks--
JANE: They're perfectly peaceful. And I've developed a sort of rapport with them, actually.
CHARLTON: A lot of good that rapport will do you when they're making you wear a bikini made out of banana peels.
JANE: That doesn't sound all that bad.
CHARLTON: It depends who's locked in the cage with you.
JANE: I've been living here for quite some time and I've never noticed the chimps to be unjustifiably violent.
CHARLTON: That's because they're waiting. Can't you see that? They're waiting until you let your guard down and then they'll attack!
JANE: But I've been here for years!
CHARLTON: And for years, they've been stockpiling ammunition in the bushes! Digging holes! Setting up booby traps! You have to play offense on this, Jane. You can't just write in your little notebook about how cute the Mama Chimp is when her baby's suckling on the teat! Jesus, woman, are you really as blind as I think you are?
JANE: I'm truly sorry if you've had a bad experience in the past, but I can assure you, the chimps are perfectly peaceful.
CHARLTON: You really are a fool, aren't you? Your womanly parts are clouding your judgment. You see something small and pitiful and covered with fur, and you have to tell yourself it's probably not that bad when really it's just a pile of disappointment.
JANE: You just described exactly what I was thinking before we made love.
CHARLTON: Jane, I didn't want to leave you alone out here with these beasts, but I'm not going to waste my time trying to convince you either. If you won't be civilized about this and let me throw you over my shoulder and carry you out of here, then we have nothing left to talk about.
JANE: I suppose we're done here then.
CHARLTON: Fine. Would you like to have sex one more time before I go?
JANE: I think I'm good. I forgot how unpleasant men can smell.
CHARLTON: You're saying I smell unpleasant? You spend days on end with unwashed primates.
JANE: ...I forgot how unpleasant men can smell.
CHARLTON: Good luck, Jane. I'll wave to you from across the field of action when the revolution finally begins.
JANE: Or you'll just die an old man and I'll send a sensible bouquet to your funeral.
CHARLTON: Burn in hell, monkey lover.
JANE: Lovely seeing you as well.
(CHARLTON exits. JANE waits a moment, goes over to her bedside table, and takes two cans connected by a string out of the drawer. She tosses one of the cans out the window and puts the other one up to her ear. After a few seconds--)
JANE: It's me. He's gone. That was a close one. I'm sorry, Commander, it won't happen again. We're still on track for 2014. No, he's a bombastic idiot. Nobody will pay any attention to him. Yes, I'll see you at dinner. Good-bye.
(She pulls the can back in, and puts both cans in the drawer, then shuts it and sits down on the bed. In the distance, we hear the sounds of chimps laughing maniacally.)
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