Christmas Spirits

Somewhere above a fire place.

            (PAST, PRESENT, and FUTURE all hover eerily.)

PAST:  So I think you should go first—

PRESENT:  Why would I go first?

PAST:  Because we’re in the Present.  He should see how things are now before he sees how they were or how they could be.

FUTURE:  Mmmmm…

PRESENT:  He might not even believe I’m a ghost if all I do is show him around town.  That just makes me a flying tour guide.

FUTURE:  Blergh.

PAST:  You know what, Future?  Maybe we should go backwards.

PRESENT:  Backwards?  Why backwards?

PAST:  Because if he sees that he’s going to burn in Hellfire if he doesn’t change, he’ll probably just change right away, and then the two of us can take the night off.

FUTURE:  Nope.

PAST:  I realize that means you still have to work, Future, but why should all three of us miss Christmas?

PRESENT:  You know, the obvious thing would be to just go in order.

PAST:  Ugh, but then I have to go first.  I hate going first.

PRESENT:  You’re the Ghost of Christmas Past.  Going first is, like, your whole thing.

PAST:  But it’s so sad!

FUTURE:  Little boy die.

PRESENT:  Exactly!  The little boy dies in the future.  You think what you have to show him is sadder than that?

PAST:  Oh god, but he lets that nice girl get away from him.  It breaks my heart.

PRESENT:  He had a girlfriend?

FUTURE:  Little boy die.

PRESENT:  We’re putting a pin in that right now, Future.

PAST:  Oh, they were so cute together.

PRESENT:  What happened?

PAST:  What do you think happened?  He was a jerk and she left him.

PRESENT:  Oh my god, did he choose money over her?

FUTURE:  Money.

PAST:  Yup, he chose the money.

PRESENT:  That is devastating.

PAST:  Does she ever come back?

PRESENT:  She must not, because I don’t know her.

FUTURE:  Not familiar.

PAST:  So they never meet again?

PRESENT:  He probably has to change first.

PAST:  You guys, we have to make sure he changes.

PRESENT:  That’s why you need to go first.  He’s not going to change seeing the Present.  He knows the Present.  He’s aware.

FUTURE:  Woke.

PRESENT:  I wouldn’t say ‘woke’ but he definitely knows he’s being a jerk.

PAST:  You have to sort of…color things in for him.

PRESENT:  What are you talking about?  I walk him around the street, I say ‘This is how things are’ and then I get old and die in front of him.  It’s all protocol.

FUTURE:  Boo.

PRESENT:  What?

PAST:  I agree with Future.  You might want to change up the routine a little bit.

PRESENT:  And do what?

PAST:  Go show him the house where the little boy lives.

FUTURE:  Little boy die.

PRESENT:  Okay, the pin is still in that, Future.  Take it down a little.

PAST:  Show him his nephew’s house.  Go inside.  Look around.

PRESENT:  That’s breaking and entering!

PAST:  They won’t know you’re there.

PRESENT:  It’s a total invasion of privacy.

PAST:  Well, walking him around the streets of London on Christmas Eve isn’t going to do any good.

PRESENT:  And you think showing him some ex-girlfriend is?

PAST:  You have no idea how sad it is when she leaves him.

PRESENT:  Does she sing?

PAST:  Sometimes she sings, it depends on the version.

PRESENT:  Oh my god, if she sings—

FUTURE:  I can’t.

PRESENT:  Right?

FUTURE:  Little boy die.

PRESENT:  There he goes again.

PAST:  Plus I take him to Fezziwig’s and sometimes I show him his sister.  Sometimes it’s a brother.

PRESENT:  What’s with all the ‘Sometimes?’  Isn’t the Past always the same?

PAST:  No, I have to shake it up a little bit to keep things interesting.

PRESENT:  For him?

PAST:  No, for me.  I’ve been doing this for thousands of years.

FUTURE:  Old.

PAST:  Rude.

FUTURE:  Ancient.

PAST:  RUDE!

PRESENT:  So you just change the past?

PAST:  I don’t change it.  I just show slightly altered versions of how it occurred.

FUTURE:  Fraud.

PAST:  Oh, like you have to do anything.  You stand by an empty grave and wait for him to fall in.

FUTURE:  Effective.

PAST:  Of course it’s effective!  You’re essentially threatening him with eternal damnation!

PRESENT:  It’s true.  We both try to coax him lovingly, and then you come along and just blackmail him into being a decent human being.

FUTURE:  Very effective.

PAST:  This is why he should go first.

FUTURE:  No.

PAST:  Why not?

FUTURE:  I’m.  A.  Closer.

PRESENT:  Past, you’re going first.

PAST:  But—

PRESENT:  There’s no time.  I still have to put my robe on and prepare a feast.

PAST:  I thought you were getting it catered this year?

PRESENT:  I was, but they raised the price by a third and they weren’t going to do carrots or a cheese plate.

PAST:  Oh my god.

PRESENT:  I said, Forget it, I’ll just do it myself.

FUTURE:  Good call.

PRESENT:  You know, when you take him back in time, you should give him a wise old grandfather.

PAST:  I was thinking about that.  And maybe he gets run over by a horse and carriage?

PRESENT:  That’s TERRIBLE!

FUTURE:  Do it.

PRESENT:  Definitely do it.

PAST:  Okay, fine.  Hey…what do you guys think of puppets?

PRESENT:  Puppets?

PAST:  Yeah, like, what if we added puppets to all this?

PRESENT:  Um, let’s not get carried away.  It’s London, not Sesame Street.

FUTURE:  Little boy die.

PAST/PRESENT:  Enough with that!/I honestly can’t with him.

FUTURE:  Blergh.

          End of Play