Two Gay Guys Discuss Their Brands While a Spider Destroys the City

A coffeeshop located in a city that is currently being destroyed by a giant spider.

TOM and STEVEN are drinking coffee, while PAUL looks out the window at the devastation.

TOM:  So they’re coffee mugs?

STEVEN:  I don’t like the term ‘mugs.’  I don’t want mugs in my brand.  They’re beverage containers.

TOM:  So it’s a line of beverage containers?

STEVEN:  Yeah, with different dinosaurs on them.  And then under the dinosaurs it says ‘Extinct.’  And the line is called ‘Extinct.’

TOM:  I didn’t know you liked dinosaurs.

STEVEN:  It’s not about the dinosaurs.  It’s about impermanence.  My brand is all about what’s fleeting.  Here today, gone tomorrow, you know?

PAUL:  You mean like the city?

STEVEN:  What?

PAUL:  The city.  The giant spider just crushed all of Barton Street.

TOM:  You should put a giant spider on one of your cups.

STEVEN:  Beverage container.

TOM:  Sorry.

PAUL:  Doesn’t Trevor live on Barton Street?

STEVEN:  Who?

PAUL:  Trevor?  Your boyfriend?

STEVEN:  Oh yeah!  I should call him.

PAUL:  To see if he’s okay?

STEVEN:  No, because he’s supposed to be updating my Instagram for me while I’m on my social media break next week.

TOM:  God, I need one of those.  My brand is all about decompressing.

STEVEN:  My brand is about shutting off and tuning in, but if you don’t update at least once a day on all your platforms, your brand just, like, ceases to exist.

PAUL:  Guys, I think the spider can spit fire.

TOM:  Spitting fire—that’s great.  That should be the banner on my website.

STEVEN:  What’s your website for?

TOM:  Just, like, letting people know what my brand’s about.  There are photos of me, and some of Kensingston—

STEVEN:  Your dog?

TOM:  No, my dog is Kingston, Kensington is the boy I dated when I was in London last summer.  He was so good at selfies.  You wouldn’t even know they were selfies.  He would take duct tape with him everywhere, and like, tape the phone to things, and then use the timer to take the selfie.

STEVEN:  Is he the one who took the photo of the two of you on the bridge almost kissing?

TOM:  Yeah.

STEVEN:  Oh my god, I died when I saw that.

PAUL:  Speaking of dying, I think the spider is getting closer.

TOM:  Kensington is the resident photographer for my brand.

STEVEN:  Ugh, I need a resident photographer.  The one I had turned out to be a softcore porn director.

TOM:  Really?

STEVEN:  Yeah, and it sucks, because he knew so much about lighting.

PAUL:  I think we should probably go soon.

TOM:  Can we at least finish our coffee?  God, I hate be rushed.  My brand is all about not rushing.

STEVEN:  Taking time for yourself.

TOM:  Loving yourself.

STEVEN:  Believing in yourself.

TOM:  Inspiring yourself.

PAUL:  Saving yourself from a giant spider?

                (A beat.)

TOM/STEVEN:  That doesn’t really gel.  I can test it out with my Instagram followers to see how it goes over, but I don’t think they’ll go for it./Is that ironic or something?  My brand isn’t really into irony at all.  It’s way more about sincerity.

PAUL:  I guess there’s really nowhere safe to go right now anyway.

STEVEN:  Exactly.  So just relax.

TOM:  You should try these lotions I sell on my website.  They’re very soothing.

STEVEN:  You make lotions?

TOM:  No, they’re someone else’s lotions, but I totally endorse them.  I’ve written the copy a bunch of really positive Amazon reviews, and now we’re sort of like business partners.  Like, I’m a silent partner, but a very active one.

STEVEN:  Do you make any money off—

TOM:  No, none at all.  And I spend a ton on the lotions.  Like, I’m their best customer.  But I believe that when it comes to your brand, you have to be your best customer, you know what I mean?

STEVEN:  I get it.

TOM:  Yeah?

STEVEN:  I really get it.

PAUL:  I think I’m going to go outside.

TOM:  Are you going to go fight the spider?

PAUL:  No, I’m probably just going to die, but I’d rather do that than stay here with the two of you.

STEVEN:  That’s so inspiring, Paul.

TOM:  Seriously, you’re so brave.

STEVEN:  I’m going to put your photo on one of my beverage containers.

TOM:  I’m going to post about you on my site.

STEVEN:  And then I’ll wait a few hours and do the same so we don’t overlap.

TOM:  You’re great.

STEVEN:  You’re so great.

TOM:  Fight.

STEVEN:  Dream.

TOM and STEVEN:  Live.

PAUL:  Bye.

                (PAUL exits.)

TOM:  I’m kind of glad he left.

STEVEN:  Me too.  You really fit with what I’m trying to accomplishing with my brand, but him sitting here with us—

TOM:  It didn’t fit.

STEVEN:  It just didn’t fit.  And fit is so important.

TOM:  Oh my god, it’s incredibly important.

STEVEN:  So important.

TOM:  But I wish him the best.

STEVEN:  Oh, of course.  All the best.

TOM:  Just the best.

STEVEN:  Mhmm.

TOM:  Mhmm.

STEVEN and TOM:  Mmmm.

                (They sip their coffee, and right outside the shop, the spider steps on PAUL.)