One Day at Buzzfeed

The Buzzfeed Office.

(BEX approaches TRISE, who is sitting on a swing suspended from the ceiling of the office.)

BEX:  Can I tell you the sixteen things my mother said to me last night that were totally not okay?

TRISE:  Can I tell show fourteen pictures of things my roommate left all around the apartment last night.

BEX:  What a slob.

TRISE:  She took this quiz and found out she’s an Eleven.

BEX:  On a scale of?

TRISE:  No, like, from Stranger Things.  She’s an Eleven.

BEX:  Ohhh…

TRISE:  I’m Winona.

BEX:  Good for you.

TRISE:  I know, right?  Do you want some of this one-pot turkey chili that will change your life forever?  It’s what I brought for lunch.

BEX:  Since when do you bring a lunch to work?

TRISE:  Um, bringing your lunch to work is one of eight great ways to save money.

BEX:  You would not believe how this girl I know saves money.  Tell me if you want to hear more and I’ll totally tell you.

TRISE:  Not right now, I’m too busy getting thirsty over these thirty-eight photos of Ryan Reynolds eating Italian food on his patio.

BEX:  Can you even?

TRISE:  I cannot.

BEX:  But can you?

TRISE:  Fam, I cannot.

BEX:  But really though.

TRISE:  But.  Really.  Though.

BEX:  Mhmmm.

BOTH:  Sweaty.

BEX:  How many ways do we hate Philip in Purchasing?

TRISE:  At least sixty-two ways.

BEX:  Do you know there’s a new way to eat French fries?

TRISE:  I heard about that.

BEX:  If you eat fries the wrong way now, you’re a moron.

TRISE:  So many morons.

BEX:  Surrounded by them.

TRISE:  They’re everywhere.

BOTH:  Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

BEX:  You know who I love?

BOTH:  Joe Biden.

TRISE:  I’m obsessed with him.

BEX:  We should try these four new restaurants that just opened up in the subways of New York.  You won’t believe what the fourth one is.

TRISE:  It’s a McDonald’s run by Tokyo Mimes, isn’t it?

BEX:  Close, it’s a McDonald’s run by the BAND Tokyo Mimes.

TRISE:  Kill me, I’m so stupid.

BEX:  Do you want to laugh harder than you should?

TRISE:  You haven’t even said anything yet and already I’m LOL, but verging on WTF.

BEX:  What do you think Harry Potter would be like if all the characters were guinea pigs?

TRISE:  What do you think The West Wing would be like if all the characters were Muppets?

BEX:  What do you think David Foster Wallace would think of my mother?

TRISE:  There should be a quiz for that.

BEX:  I’m writing one in my head as we speak.

TRISE:  You know who speaks?  And to my soul?  Helen Mirren.

BEX:  That’s me with Tina Fey.

TRISE:  That’s me with Michelle Obama.

BOTH:  Amy Poehler.

BEX:  I can think of a hundred reasons right now why we should be friends forever, and they all come with pictures and captions.

TRISE:  I’m looking at you right now, and I’m picturing your face on top of Emma Watson’s face and realizing that they could be the same face.

BEX:  Awwww fam.

TRISE:  There are, like, 8,000 reasons to love Emma Watson.

BEX:  That should be a nine-part series.

TRISE:  Are you already dying over our nine-part Emma Watson Lovefest?

BEX:  I’m dying over it and also sort of already over it.

TRISE:  I feel like I was over it a second ago but now I want to revisit it.

BEX:  I’m revisiting and I’m reflecting.

TRISE:  I’m reflecting and I’m rejuvenating.

BEX:  You’re an inspiration.

TRISE:  You’re an inspiration.

BOTH:  You’re the meaning in my life, you’re the inspiration.

BEX:  Eighteen times your parents made you listen to Chicago.

TRISE:  Forty-three times Chicago lyrics summed up your dream date.

BEX:  Quiz:  Would you rather go on a dream date or eat the bowl of mac cheese I sent you a photo of yesterday?

TRISE:  I took a quiz that said my dream date would be with King Richard the First, so I’m going to go with my dream date.

BEX:  Oh, did you take the one about which of the King Richards you should marry?

TRISE:  I did.  I got Richard II at first, so I took it again.

BEX:  I was hoping I’d get that lion from Robin Hood.

TRISE:  If you want to get him, you have to take the ‘Am I Too Into Disney Cartoons’ quiz.

BEX:  I took a Disney quiz the other day to find out if the Fox from The Fox and the Hound is my spirit animal.

TRISE:  I started an online petition to have them do a live action remake of The Rescuers with Anne Hathaway as Bianca the Feisty Mouse and Louis Ck as her fussy friend Bernard.

BEX:  I would die to see that.

TRISE:  I couldn’t.

BEX:  Could you?

TRISE:  I shouldn’t.

BEX:  I shan’t.

TRISE:  I should but I shan’t.

BOTH:  Shall we?

BEX:  Imagine the day we don’t work here anymore?

TRISE:  I’d rather think of seventy-one other things.

BEX:  With pictures.

TRISE:  And captions.

BEX:  See you at lunch?

TRISE:  Are you deathing over the one-pot turkey chili?

BEX:  Is it made with only five ingredients?

TRISE:  Yaz.

BEX:  Then Yesbian, I am.

TRISE:  You.

BEX:  You.

TRISE:  You.

BEX:  You.

TRISE:  You.

BEX:  You.

TRISE:  You.

            (A beat.)

BOTH:  You.

            End of Play