A Funeral.
DANIEL approaches LINDA.
DANIEL: Linda, I’m so
sorry about your grandfather.
LINDA: Thank you,
Dan. I appreciate you coming.
DANIEL: Listen, um, I
just want you to know—it’s okay to cry.
LINDA: Oh, yes, thank
you, I know that.
DANIEL: But really,
it’s actually not healthy of you to try and hold it in.
LINDA: I’m not.
DANIEL: You’re not
what?
LINDA: Holding it
in. I’m not holding it in.
DANIEL: But you’re
not crying.
LINDA: Well, I just
haven’t cried yet. I think I’m still in
shock.
DANIEL: So when do
you plan on crying?
LINDA: Uh, well, I
don’t know. I hadn’t really thought
about it. Maybe…tomorrow? Or, you know, after this funeral is over?
DANIEL: I should be
there.
LINDA: What?
DANIEL: When you’re
crying. I should be there for that.
LINDA: Why would you
want to be there when I’m crying?
DANIEL: Well,
somebody should be there.
LINDA: Why?
DANIEL: Linda, it’s
not enough for you to just cry. Somebody
has to witness it.
LINDA: You mean like
a notary?
DANIEL: Linda,
studies have shown that crying in front of other people is much more therapeutic
than crying by yourself.
LINDA: What studies?
DANIEL: Studies in
magazines.
LINDA: Which
magazines?
DANIEL: The one I write for.
DANIEL: The one I write for.
LINDA: You write for
a magazine?
DANIEL: It’s really more of a lifestyle blog, but that’s not the point—
DANIEL: It’s really more of a lifestyle blog, but that’s not the point—
LINDA: Daniel, I will
grieve the way I want to.
DANIEL: I totally get
it.
LINDA: Thank you.
DANIEL: I just think
that your way is wrong.
LINDA: I’m not sure
there is a wrong way.
DANIEL: What if you
grieved by setting fire to your house?
That would be the wrong way, wouldn’t it?
LINDA: I’d rather set fire to your house, Dan.
LINDA: I’d rather set fire to your house, Dan.
DANIEL: Are you being
serious?
LINDA: No.
DANIEL: Oh, thank
goodness. Grief makes people do funny
things.
LINDA: This was
wonderful. We’ll have to do it again at
some other funeral.
DANIEL: Why don’t you
just let out a few tears right now?
Right on the old Dan’s shoulder?
LINDA: I’d rather
not.
DANIEL: You’ll feel
better.
LINDA: You don’t know
that. You have no idea how anything
would make me feel.
DANIEL: I know that I’d
feel better if you cried.
LINDA: So this is
really just about you?
DANIEL: Linda, I don’t want to make you feel bad—
DANIEL: Linda, I don’t want to make you feel bad—
LINDA: You don’t?
DANIEL: But you’re
making me feel really uncomfortable with how cool you’re being right now.
LINDA: You’d feel
more comfortable if I was hysterical? If
I threw myself on the casket? If I
wailed up at the moon like some kind of grief-stricken werewolf?
DANIEL: Any of those sound wonderful. Why don’t you give it a shot?
DANIEL: Any of those sound wonderful. Why don’t you give it a shot?
LINDA: I’m going to
need you to leave now, Daniel.
DANIEL: So you can
cry in front of everyone else who’s here?
I don’t think so. I specifically
got her early so I could get a good seat for the public crying.
LINDA: Well, I hate
to disappoint you, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.
DANIEL: Can somebody
film it for me?
LINDA: Daniel, not everybody breaks down and cries when they lose someone they love. Some people just get really quiet. Some people sleep for days on end. Some people never cry at all.
LINDA: Daniel, not everybody breaks down and cries when they lose someone they love. Some people just get really quiet. Some people sleep for days on end. Some people never cry at all.
(A beat.)
DANIEL: Are you
serious?
LINDA: Yes. When my aunt died I didn’t cry at all?
DANIEL: Because you were the one who killed her?
LINDA: No, because I just didn’t.
LINDA: Yes. When my aunt died I didn’t cry at all?
DANIEL: Because you were the one who killed her?
LINDA: No, because I just didn’t.
DANIEL: Then why didn’t
you force yourself to?
LINDA: Because that seems
insane.
DANIEL: More insane than
not crying?
LINDA: Yes.
DANIEL: Then I guess
I’m insane.
LINDA: I think that
was already pretty clear, Dan.
DANIEL: So nobody is
going to cry today?
LINDA: I mean—if you
want to cry, you can.
DANIEL: Really?
LINDA: Sure. Go for it.
DANIEL: But I didn’t
even know your grandfather.
LINDA: So what? He was a nice man. He loved feeding pigeons. He played Santa every year at our family
Christmas dinner. What else do you need
to know?
(DANIEL begins to cry.)
DANIEL: Oh god…
LINDA: He was really
good at tennis. He spoke fluent
Italian. He really liked the month of
April.
(DANIEL is now crying harder.)
LINDA: He used to
wear cardigans every Thursday.
(That breaks him. He’s
now sobbing. LINDA pulls him in for a
hug.)
LINDA: It’s okay,
Daniel.
DANIEL: This…feels…horrible.
LINDA: Don’t
worry. You’re the first one here and you
were an hour early, so—Nobody’s watching but me.
(He continues to cry, and she keeps holding him.)
End of Play
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