Pictures of Weddings We Couldn't Afford

There was the one on the beach

That one was pretty

We liked that one

We made a big show

Of how much we liked it

And they fed us strawberries

And oysters

And we la dee dah-ed

All over their office

We told them our last name

Was Stone-Warren

Because the hyphenate

Made it sound extra-rich

Even though you’re not a Stone

And I’m not a Warren

We almost went with Kennedy-Vanderbilt

But that seemed a bit much

We sat there

And went through their catalogue

Stumbling over

Pictures of weddings we couldn’t afford

There was the Forest Wedding

Complete with woodland creatures

And a canopy that let in

Just enough natural light

So that it appeared as though

The bride and groom

Were being blessed

By the Goddess of Trees

And Outdoor Open Bars

There was the Sky-Diving Wedding

Conducted in a plane

Ending in—what else?
Sky-Diving

(No thanks)

There was the Dessert Wedding

That appeared to take place

In Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory

Minus the indentured servants

And the ungrateful children

There were so many weddings

And we couldn’t afford any of them

But the wedding planner didn’t know that

She only knew that we liked cake

Especially free cake

And hors d'oeuvres

And whatever that pineapple drink was

That she gave us several rounds of

And we’d feel bad taking all that from her

If it wasn’t so obvious

That she was bilking money

From couples such as ourselves

--Well, richer couples

Much richer couples

But still, lovely people

Who were talked into spending a not-so-small fortune

On a wedding

Just because they wanted to get married

At the zoo

Next to the seal enclosure

We couldn’t understand

What would cost so much

About allowing

Two people to exchange vows

While seals bark

Behind them

It had to be some kind of con artist scheme

And the wedding planner/free food supplier

Had to be scamming

These poor lovebirds

We felt proud knowing

That we would never be taken

In such a way

Both because of our intellect

And because we didn’t have anything

To be conned out of

You can’t get blood from a stone

And you can’t get money

From the Stone-Warrens

Because they don’t exist

And if they did

They’d never fall for such a thing

We flipped through the book

She put in front of us

Page-after-page

Of dream weddings

Fantasy nuptials

Over-the-top celebrations

Of joy and romance

We left after an hour or so

Smiling and thanking

The wedding planner for her time

And the food

Mostly the food

And we promised that we’d be back

Once we decided between

A Skyscraper Wedding

Or an Underwater Ceremony

As we drove home

We did make a few decisions

About our real wedding

Pork or Chicken

Caesar Salad or House

Photo Booth or Disposable Cameras at Every Table

With each decision

You’d lean over

From the passenger seat

And give me a kiss on the cheek

While I tried to forget

That we can’t afford a photo booth

Or Caesar salads

Or Pork

I wish I could give you

All the weddings from the pictures

Of weddings we can’t afford

And every wedding in them

From Space Weddings

To a roller coaster priest

Who will read you your vows

While you plummet

Towards your death

But then you say—

It’ll be fine

As though you’re reading my thoughts

As though you’re saying—

Chicken is fine

House is fine

Disposable Cameras are fine

And I’m fine too

And so are you

We’re fine

And in that moment

Stopped at a red light

A fresh kiss on my cheek

I turn and look at you

And think—

I wish I had a camera

I wish I had a picture

Of you

Telling me

We’re fine

And a picture of me
Believing you