Regarding Your Husband

It’s a problem at the barbecue

And at the pool party

And at the birthday party

And at every single function

For school

And it’s not her husband

It’s never her husband

It’s just everybody’s else’s husband

Acting bad

And saying whatever

And doing the wrong thing

And we’re all supposed to take our husbands

And our kids

And give them a good old lecture

When we get home

But not her

Never her

She’s just peachy

And so’s her spouse

Well, pardon me

But fuck that

Her husband thinks he’s so sneaky

He thinks he's got so much charm

And you know, before I was married to Mitch

I was working in the city

And I knew all sorts of men

Just like her husband

Whispering into other people’s ears

Making people laugh with dirty jokes

Getting everybody else in trouble

And walking away scott free

So when Mitch and I got married

And he introduced me

To all the neighbors

And Tim shook my hand

And gave me that little grin of his

I knew exactly what kind of man he was

Now I guess Mitch’s first wife

Was pretty timid

And she and Mr. Charm

Got along like gangbusters

No surprise there

But he saw me

And I saw him

And we each knew
Who the other was

So the first time everybody got in trouble

For that dust-up at the Homecoming game

I knew exactly who was to blame

And so, I called her up

Just like any good neighbor would

And I told her

That I thought her husband should come forward

And admit

That he was the one

Who made those comments

That got my husband

And my kid

And a lot of other husbands

And a lot of other kids in trouble

Oh, she was so offended

You would have thought

She married Mother Theresa

The way she balked

At what I was saying

Like I was dancing

On the grave of Christ

Or something

I felt so put-upon

Because she knew

That’s not what I was doing

That the phone call

Was my way of letting her know

That I had her husband’s number

Oh, but did she dance

And dramatize

And it was so well-rehearsed

I could tell

That she had done it before

That she had practiced

This little vaudeville routine

Many, many times

And now I was getting

The Greatest Hits

I let her finish

But then I told her

Flat out

That the next time

Her husband

Decides to let loose

Some vile and disgusting opinions

He better stand there

And take ownership of them

Instead of walking away

And letting everybody else

Get the blame

She hung up on me

And then an hour later

I get a call from the husband

Asking if he can speak to Mitch

And I said—

Mitch didn’t call your wife

I did

So you can talk to me

Oh, and he didn’t like that

Not at all

But I set him straight

And told him

If he didn’t grow a spine

And march down to that school

To claim his consequences

I was going to drive to his house

Grab him by his tiny little pecker

And drag him down there myself

And sure enough

The very next day

He owned up to it

The whole thing

And I got a very nice phone call

From his wife

Apologizing

For how she had reacted

When I talked to her

I said—

Oh honey, don’t you worry about it

You can’t help it

That you're married to an asshole

She hung up on me again

A little while later

The asshole came over

And we had a very nice chat

And then a very nice…

Well

Mitch was at work

And he’s been getting awfully fond

Of that paralegal of his

With the red hair?

Not that I was punishing him

It just…

Assuaged my anger

Plus, it’s fun

Having a little party

With a man

After you’ve put him

In his place

The way I see it

You keep a man in line

By knocking him down

Then you give him a little treat

While he’s down there

So he doesn’t ever

Want to come back up again

Maybe I should call up his wife

And give her that advice

I’d say—

Oh honey, trust me

It works like a charm

Like a real charm