The Easter Virgin

Easter is always the craziest holiday

Like, it’s not quite Thanksgiving

And it’s definitely not Christmas
It's not Halloween
You can't dress up
Unless you want to dress up like a bunny
Which would be fucking stupid

It’s too religious to be any fun

But it’s not religious enough

To be, you know

Like pretty or anything
With, like, pretty Jesus dioramas
On people's lawns
Or whatever

And that’s why I decided

I was going to lose my virginity
On Easter

I was really just looking for a way to--

Uh, spice things up, I guess?

You know, like

Spice up Easter? Because I always just
Fucking dread
Easter

So like, I decided

To have sex

For the first time

On Easter

And it was

Literally

The first time I have ever

Looked forward

To Easter

No joke

I was seventeen

And I had had it

With being a virgin

And I was so over, like--

Not being young enough
To get an Easter basket

Which is, literally

The only fun thing about Easter

And, you know, the egg hunt
Coloring the eggs and--

Like, anything
Non-egg related about Easter
Is just--

I was just over everything

And so I was like--

Okay, let’s be proactive

Let’s find out how to take two things

That I really don’t like--

My virginity

And Easter

And put a silver lining on them

Therego--

Losing my virginity on Easter

Right?

So I went online

And found this guy

Who had English Lit with me

And I was like--

Do you want to take my virginity?

And he was like--

I would, but it’s Easter It's like a family day

And I was like--
Actually, it's not about family
It's about Jesus

And he was like--

Yeah, but--

And I was like--

Do your whole Easter dinner thing
With your family

Then come take my virginity

And he was like--

I kind of can’t

My mom will be mad

And I was like--

It’s not Christmas

You eat the ham

And you’re done

You’re done by like two o’clock

Three tops

Five if you end up playing board games

Or whatever

But he was one of those people

Where, like, every holiday

Is a whole day of just, like

Sitting around with your family

Just staring at each other

Wondering what to talk about

And not losing your virginity

So, long story short--

I ended up having sex

A few months later

Like, right before Fourth of July

Which is another loser holiday

But, like, it’s a little more sexy

Because of the heat

And the summer

And the flags and stuff

So...

I guess there are, like

Worse ways

To lose it

But Easter still sucks

I mean, I’m sorry

If you’re into Jesus or whatever

Because, I mean, if you are

I guess it’s an okay holiday

But if you’re just sort of

Whatever about it

Like me, then--you know

You just make the most of it, I guess

I guess that’s really

All you can do