The Thing

So everybody’s got a thing, right?

Now, you look--

You look for someone

With no thing

Not nothing

I’m saying ‘No Thing’

That’s what you look for, right?

We accept

As a society

That everybody’s got a thing

And we know what our thing is

But to us, our thing is so big

And so awful

And so, like, oh my god

This thing

It’s so whatever

That it takes up a huge amount of space

In our--in our lives

And so we can’t imagine making room

For somebody else’s thing

On top of our thing, right?

So even though we know it’s unrealistic

We look for somebody without a thing

And we never find it

We never

Ever

Find it

Oh, we tell ourselves

That we find it

That we find someone

With no thing

And then when the person

Ends up having a thing

We’re like--

What the fuck?
When did you get a thing?

But they always had a thing

Because everybody

Has

A thing

Now, I had a friend

A girl

She liked drunks

I mean, she didn’t like them

But she’d see them

And something about them would--

She’d be drawn to them

Is how I’d put it

Like a magnet or--

Yeah

And our friends

Our other friends

Would get mad at her

For liking guy after guy

Who would, you know

Drink too much

But not me

Because I’d be like--

I mean, I’d say--

To our mutual friends--

Well, at least that’s the only thing

Wrong with those guys

Usually

And they’d be like--

Yeah, and--?

And I’d be like--

So that’s their thing

And so, like, for her

For our friend who dated those guys

She could handle that

That wasn’t a dealbreaker for her

She was like--

Okay, they’re gonna have a thing
Everybody has a thing

What thing can I deal with?

And for her
It was drinking

And, you know, to me?

That seems totally reasonable

Better to know

Which things you can deal with
And which things you can’t

Instead of, uh, you know

Just telling yourself

You’re going to fall in love

And just magically be able to deal with

You know, everything

Or tell yourself

That love means--

Or it’s, uh--
Or that you can, you know--

Fall for someone

Who doesn’t have a thing

Because that doesn’t exist, right?

I mean, don’t we all agree

That doesn’t exist?

Can we at least agree on that?

Can that be the one thing
We all agree on?

Better to know, right?

Better to know what it is you’re getting

And know that you can handle it

Otherwise, you know, you’re just--

You’re just, uh, destined

To wind up with somebody

Who’s thing is, like, you know, a dealbreaker for you

And that’s--

That’s no good, you know?

That’s just no good
For anybody