The Chores

      (RUTH and FITZ are sitting at the kitchen table.)

FITZ:  You know some kids come home on weekends and do the chores.

RUTH:  What kids do you know that do that?

FITZ:  The Elliott's.

RUTH:  The Elliott's are religious.

FITZ:  So?

RUTH:  So they can get those kids to do anything. They've brainwashed them. If we wanted to brainwash our kids, we should have started earlier.

FITZ:  I knew I should have taken them to church that one time.

RUTH:  Even if we could get them to come home from school once a week, there are still chores that need to be done everyday.

FITZ:  There are?

RUTH:  Yes.

FITZ:  Like what?

RUTH:  The dishes?

FITZ:  You have to do the dishes EVERY DAY?

RUTH:  I forgot what a slob you were when you were single.

FITZ:  I never had dishes when I was single. I used to eat off old pizza boxes with plastic forks from the Wendy's across the street.

RUTH:  We can't descend into savagery just because our last kid went off to college.

FITZ:  So do you want me to do the dishes?

RUTH:  Do you know how to do the dishes?

FITZ:  Ruth, we've been married for twenty-four years, so it might shock you to hear this, but--I don't know how to do anything.

RUTH:  Okay, then I'll do dishes. You do garbage.

FITZ:  Is garbage a daily thing?

RUTH:  The way you eat?  Yes.

FITZ:  Can I have something that's not daily?

RUTH:  Like what?

FITZ:  Laundry.

RUTH:  You are not doing the laundry.

FITZ:  Why not?

RUTH:  Laundry is advanced. If taking out the garbage is addition and subtraction, laundry is quantum physics.

FITZ:  You put the dirty clothes in, you put the soap in, you wait an hour, you take the clean clothes out.

RUTH:  What's a cold rinse?

FITZ:  What you take when you're horny?

RUTH:  I'll do laundry. You clean the bathroom.

FITZ:  No.

RUTH:  You don't have to do it every day.

FITZ:  Do I have to do it more than once a year?

RUTH:  Yes.

FITZ:  Then no.

RUTH:  You have to do something.

FITZ:  What about outdoor stuff?  I like outdoor stuff.

RUTH:  We live in Manhattan. What outdoor stuff are you going to do?

FITZ:  I can...take care of the...sidewalk.

RUTH:  The city can do that.

FITZ:  Not everyday.

RUTH:  You'll clean the bathroom.

FITZ:  Even the part where we--

RUTH:  Yes.

FITZ:  Meanwhile you get to touch all the clean laundry.

RUTH:  You can fold it.

FITZ:  Nooooooooo that's the worst!

RUTH:  You are going to fold your own clothes.  I'll fold mine.

FITZ:  But I used to sneak mine in with Junior's so he'd do it for me.

RUTH:  No more of that, buddy.

FITZ:  This sucks. I want to go to college.

RUTH:  Then you'd have to do your own laundry.

FITZ:  Pfft, that's what you think.

RUTH:  You could cook if you want.

FITZ:  Oh!  I like that!  I like to cook!

RUTH:  What are you going to cook?

FITZ:  ...Pizza?

RUTH:  And by cook you mean--?

FITZ:  ...Order it?

RUTH:  No.

FITZ:  What if I just order the bottom part and then when it gets here, I'll put all the stuff on it?  That'll be fun.

RUTH:  You're going to learn to cook. You're going to fold your own clothes. And you're going to scrub the entire bathroom down once a week.

FITZ:  I wish you'd told me it was going to be like this when we got married.

RUTH:  I wish we'd have had more kids so we could have put this off for a few more years. By then, we'd have been old enough to move into a facility and have people do this for us.

FITZ:  We've made a lot of mistakes.

RUTH:  We'll get through this. It's just household chores. We raised three kids. Vacuuming and changing light-bulbs and taking the dog out and picking up its, uh...

     (A beat.)

RUTH and FITZ:  I'm not doing that.

     End of Play