(MIKE, MIKEY, and MICHAEL sit around MIKE's basement.)
MIKE: You know what's gay? That rainbow flag outside Scott's house.
MIKEY: That is gay.
MICHAEL: But it actually is.
MIKE: That's what I'm saying. I'm saying it actually IS gay.
MICHAEL: All right. Just checking.
MIKE: No, it's good that you checked.
MICHAEL: Because we don't want to be--
MIKEY: No, that's right. We don't want to make it sound like we think things are gay that aren't gay.
MIKE: Or that things can't be gay.
MICHAEL: No, yes, no, anything can be gay.
MIKEY: And should be gay!
MICHAEL: Well. I wouldn't--
MIKE: Anything that WANTS to be gay can be gay.
MICHAEL: But nobody has to be anything they don't want to be.
MIKEY: But wanting to be gay is great.
MIKE: You should--
MICHAEL: But, like, we're mainly talking about people, right?
MIKEY: Yes, but we did agree that the gay flag is gay.
MICHAEL: I just think if we start talking about objects being gay or not being gay can start us down a road where all of a sudden we're saying things are gay just because it indicates that in some way we think they're bad.
MIKEY/MIKE: Nooooooooo./We don't want to do that.
MICHAEL: It's just something we need to be aware of, since, you know, we're not THOSE kinds of teenagers.
MIKEY: We're more self-aware.
MIKE: It's a different time.
MIKEY: A better time.
MIKE: A much better time.
MICHAEL: I, myself, am not gay, but I understand that sexuality is a spectrum.
MIKEY: A changing spectrum.
MIKE: An ever-changing spectrum.
MIKEY: Which is to say that we might wind up gay. We ALL might wind up gay.
MIKE: If we want to.
MICHAEL: If that's our choice.
MIKEY/MIKE: Nooooooooooo./Why would you say choice?
MICHAEL: I didn't mean--
MIKEY: It's not a choice, Michael.
MICHAEL: I know that. I meant--
MIKE: Please be careful when you're talking about this stuff.
MICHAEL: I meant if we chose to, you know, participate in gay behavior--with consent--from, you know--both parties.
MIKEY: Uh, what exactly is gay behavior?
MIKE: Jesus, Michael.
MICHAEL: Gay, you know--if we wanted to--
MIKEY: If we wanted to what? Go dancing with our shirts off on a beach in the Bahamas?
(A beat.)
MICHAEL: Is that what gay people do?
MIKEY: Gay people do all kinds of things.
MIKE: My mom's cousin is gay and he raises turkeys.
MICHAEL: See, that's gay.
MIKEY/MIKE: Nooooooooooooooo./Seriously?
MICHAEL: I mean it's gay because he's doing it!
MIKE: But the point is, it's not gay just BECAUSE he's doing it.
MIKEY: But it can be gay. There'd be nothing wrong with it being gay.
MICHAEL: I didn't say it was, I just think--Wouldn't it be nice if we could just call everything gay.
MIKE: But everything's not gay.
MIKEY: But it could be.
MICHAEL: But then it's not special.
MIKEY: It's not special.
MIKE: No, it is special. We don't want to tell them they're not special.
MIKEY: The turkeys?
MIKE: No, the gay people.
MIKEY: Oh, the gay people are--Well, they're not special. They're just like us.
MIKE: And they're precious.
MICHAEL: And amazing.
MIKEY: But also normal.
MIKE: But, like, what IS normal?
MIKEY: There is no normal.
MICHAEL: But you just said--
MIKEY: I KNOW WHAT I SAID A SECOND AGO, MICHAEL, BUT THAT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME!
(A beat.)
MIKE: So turkeys aren't gay?
MIKEY: They could be gay, but you shouldn't ask them. It's their business, not yours.
MIKE/MICHAEL: Agreed.
MIKEY: We should just refrain from labels altogether.
MICHAEL: It's true. Labels are gay.
MIKEY/MIKE: Nooooooooooo./I can't keep doing this.
MICHAEL: I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY!
MIKEY: Let's just not talk about this anymore.
MIKE: We don't need to figure out what's gay and what isn't gay.
MIKEY: Because it could be everything.
MIKE: And nothing.
MICHAEL: And turkeys.
MIKEY: And it's all wonderful.
MIKE: Except the stuff that's not wonderful. That stuff isn't gay.
MICHAEL: Just the good stuff?
MIKE: Right.
MICHAEL: But we're not gay, right?
MIKEY: It doesn't matter.
MICHAEL: No, I know, but--
MIKEY: IT DOESN'T MATTER, MICHAEL. WE COULD ALL BE GAY AND IT WOULDN'T MATTER.
(A beat.)
But no, I'm not gay. I would love to be gay. It would be awesome to be gay. But you can't decide to be gay. You're born gay. Or you're born--something. But the point is, it's not a choice, but it's great, and we should celebrate people who are, but I'm not.
MIKE: Me either.
MICHAEL: I'm not sure.
(A beat.)
Is that okay?
MIKEY: It's better than okay, Michael.
(He puts his hand on MICHAEL's shoulder.)
It's gay.
MIKE: It's really gay.
MIKEY: It's very, very gay.
The End
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