I'm Calling From the Gingerbread House

Hello, is this the father of the--

Yes, the brother and sister

Yes

Yes, they’re here

Gretel and whatever the boy is named

Yes, they’re outside

Well, I was wondering

If you could come get them

Yes, I’m aware that they’re a handful

But you can’t just let your children

Run wild through the forest

Terrorizing witches and ogres

And whoever else

They might come in contact with

You have some responsibility here

And I--

Well, congratulations on your new wife

But regardless of whether or not

She likes the children

She can’t just demand

That you get rid of them

I mean, I can certainly empathize with her

There’s no question

That they’re dreadful, just dreadful

But they shouldn’t be my problem

I didn’t have children

I didn’t want children

I wanted a nice little

Cottage in the woods

Made out of edible food

And after that

I just wanted

To be left alone

Then along come

Your two little monsters

And suddenly
I’m missing all my windowsills!

When was the last time

You fed these children?

They are scarfing down

Doorknobs

Like it’s going out of style

I’m hiding on the floor

Under my cabbage table

And I can hear Gretel

Tapping on the glass

Telling me I should come outside

And play with them

Oh don’t give me that

Song and dance, you dolt!

I know for a fact

The minute I step one foot

Outside my gingerbread door

Those kids are going to tackle me

And make their way inside

Where they’ll eat my home

And out of my home

And before that happens

You better get here

And drag them back

Where they belong

What do you mean

How do you find

Where I live?

Didn’t you teach your children

To leave breadcrumbs

When they go walking in the forest?

Provided Gretel didn’t

Gobble them all down

Just follow the--

No, I don’t want to eat them!

I only eat nice children

These children look

Like they would taste disgusting

The boy, in particular

Looks like he would be

Most unhealthy

Chances are

You two horrible children

Are scaring off

Any nice children

That I could fatten up

And stick in a pot

So would you please

Follow the croutons

And yank your little gluttons

Back to the--

Wait, I can’t hear them

Where did they--

Is something on the roof?

I hear the sound

Of portly toes

Scurrying across

My waffle tiles

Heading towards

My pancake chimney

Just get here now please

Once they eat their way

Through my mashed potato gutters

There won’t be any stopping them

I knew I should have used

More brussel sprouts

On the outside of the house

Nobody can resist

The gingerbread