Agent Stevens

Miss Faith, I have told you before
I am not at this party to enjoy myself
I am here because I have been hired
To protect you

My last assignment was a girl named Cindy

She was in high school
And I have to say
There were a lot less dangers
When I was guarding her

I would have kept that post
But Cindy ended up transferring to an all-girl school
And well, they wouldn't let me stay in the dorms with her

You put one fourteen-year-old girl
In a chokehold
After she has failed to answer the security password
And suddenly you're a monster

Then I took your assignment

Third grade seemed like an easy enough post
Until I realized
That third grade
Is the Beirut
Of primary education

It's probably better that the only people here are imaginary, Miss Faith
Although I still have concerns about Nina the Elephant
Larger mammals are usually known to have closer ties to socialism

Although right at this moment
That's the least of our worries

Your friend Tony Hooper has been getting us some good information

He's a double double double agent

He's working for us making them think he's working for them
Making them think he's working for us to work for them
When in reality, he's working for nobody

And that's just how we like it

The only way we get information out of him
Is to promise him ham

We forked over a little pig sandwich to him recently
And he sang like an opera singer being held underwater
Right before his head explodes

Apparently Fat Pants has been running an evil empire
Out of the arts supplies closet
Made up of some of the second graders
That he keeps in a permanent sugar haze
Using the box of twinkies his mom gives him for lunch everyday

They've got their sights set on you, Miss Faith
And I have to tell you
I don't think eliminating all of your imaginary friends
Is a good idea right now

I realize what your therapist says
But Dr. Stanz does not realize
The imminent danger that is being posed
By the tangible word

'Tangible' was on your father's word-a-day calendar last month
It means 'for real, like seriously'

If you were to dismiss some of your imaginary friends
Such as myself
And the Fat Pants Empire were to strike at you

(And presumably, at some point, strike back)

You would be left completely unprotected

You're just a little girl
You can't fight an entire crime syndicate off on your own!

It's madness, Miss Faith!

It's not like your parents can help you
Now that they're...

That they're no longer going to be cohabitating
At the same residence

That means you need back-up
And that's why I must insist
That I remain in your mentality
Until you're old enough not to need me anymore

Plus we were supposed to go to Coaster World next week
And you know I love Coaster World

And you need me there!

Coaster World is full of secret places
Where rogue panda bears could jump out at you
If they so chose

The world is full of dangers
Obstacles, potential life-threatening scenarios
Escaped zoo animals

We're still not completely convinced that you don't have a nut allergy!

I'm just not satisfied
That you'll be safe
On your own

I'm not sure I'll be able to...

...I'm sorry, Miss Faith

Clearly, I have developed an unhealthy
Emotional attachment to you

This has never happened to me before

It's just that...

My assignment was to take care of you
Until you're old enough to take care of yourself

And I'm not sure when that is

At what point is a person capable
Of making themselves safe?

I can't figure it out

I simply can't

So I apologize, Miss Faith
And with this knowledge
Perhaps it is best
If I find another assignment

Perhaps something that doesn't age

Like a mermaid
Or a rock with a face painted on it

I'll miss being in your employ, Miss Faith
But if I'm being honest
You've been taking care of yourself for some time now

I've just been standing a few feet behind you
Watching you learn how to grow up