The Boogeyman

...So there I am hiding under the bed

And it turns out Isabella's at her friend's house for the night

So what am I doing under the bed?

Total waste of time, you know?

I mean, I'm the Boogeyman

I got better things to do
Than hang out underneath a bed all night

You know how many kids I could have been scaring
While I was waiting under there?

So I go back to the Agency
And I say--

'Excuse me?  Why didn't anyone tell me Isabella was at a sleep-over?'

And everybody's just standing there looking at me
Like I have two heads
Like Bob in accounting

I'm telling you
One of these days
I'm going to become a free agent

What's the point of being represented
If you're not being represented, you know what I mean?

I'm surprised I'm even here

Do you know the last time I had a night off?

I'll give you a hint--it was right after I scared Poe...the first time

But you know, I like Faith
She's the hostess
I don't know if you know her
Maybe you're someone's date?
You never can tell

Faith and I are pals
I love a kid who screams when you scare her

Faith's got this real blood-curdling scream she can do
When you really surprise her

So anyway, the other night
I jump out of her closet
And she just sits there

Which is not like Faith

I was very concerned

So I sat down next to you on the bed
And we got to talking
And she told me she's throwing this party
This divorce party
Because her parents are splitting up
And can I come
Because she's going to say good-bye
To all her imaginary friends
And that includes me
Even though I'm more of an acquaintance

Something like a co-worker

I scare her, she gets scared
It's more of a business thing

'So wait a minute,' I said, 'You're not going to be scared of me anymore?'

And she kind of looked down away from me
And that's when I realized
That she already wasn't scared of me

At first, I got all defensive

I popped out my eyeballs
And turned my tongue into a live snake
But she just shook her head
And I turned back into my only mildly terrifying self

'How long have you been...feeling this way,' I asked

That's when she told me

She was never really scared of me

She just thought if she didn't scream
Every time I appeared
Then I wouldn't go see her anymore
And she thought I was...

And this is the word she used
And I'm telling you, it stung, but...

...She said she thought I was...

...Funny

Do you know what that feels like?

To hear someone say you're 'funny?'

Especially a little girl
Who still sleeps with a stuffed bear
Named Rudy?

It got me to thinking

How many other kids aren't scared of me?

It isn't like the old days
When all you had to do to get a kid to wet the bed
Was shout 'Boo!' and detach your head
From the rest of your body

Now kids got the video games
And the scary movies
And the zombies on the tv

How am I supposed to compete with all that?

Plus, I don't want to traumatize anybody
Just get a good scare in now and again

But the days of the small scare are over

Now your only option is sheer terror

No wonder I'm getting put out of business

Maybe that's why the Agency sent me to Isabella's when she wasn't there
Maybe they know I don't have it anymore
And they're saving the real jobs
For guys who can still get it done

So I figured I'd come party a little
Have a few laughs
Maybe even chat up that intergalactic ballerina over there

You know somewhere in the world right now
There's an older woman
Who just decided to stop being afraid
To stop living in fear

I'm glad it didn't take Faith until she was an old woman to get there

I'm glad she's not afraid
Of what's ahead

I wish I could say the same for me