Lauren Recounts Her Best Friend's Sex Dream About Her

So I guess we were--

James, where were we?

Was it a beach?

He thinks it was a beach

No, we're skyping

I'm skyping to him and talking to you

James was telling me about the sex dream

Shut up, James
It was a sex dream

It was a dream with sex in it
It was a sex dream

Anyway, James was telling me about it
And I was like, oh my God
I have to tell Kerri

So I called you

But I need to refer to him from time to time
Because I can't remember the whole thing
It was so epic

He had an epic sex dream about me

How awkward is that?

I mean, at least we know he's not gay
Which I always thought--

James, stop
It's not embarrassing

When you have an attractive young woman as your best friend
It only makes sense that you should have sex dreams about her
I'd be offended if you weren't having sex dreams about me

So anyway
We're at a--

A what?  A beach?

A pond?

Are you sure it wasn't a beach?

Kerri, he thinks it was a pond
But that can't be right

Nobody has sex at a pond

Maybe it was a lake?

Okay, well
If it was a pond
Then that's messed up

Serial killers have sex at ponds

Seriously, I'm going to go ahead and say it was a lake
That'll be our compromise

So we're at this lake
And we're--

James, are we picnicking?

Didn't we say we were picnicking?

I think you did

Well, I think he did, Kerri

He can't remember anything

Five minutes later and he doesn't remember the picnic

So anyway, we're picnicking
And then the next thing you know
He's on top of me

Huh?

Me?

On top of you?

Yeah, I don't think so

I'm not trashy, James

Even in your dreams, I'm not trashy

Maybe my nightmares, but not your dreams

So Kerri, he's on top of me
And he's like an animal

A sweaty, ugly, nasty, smelly animal

James, I'm not saying really
I'm saying in the dream


You're so damn sensitive, God

Anyway, the next thing you know
We're covered in--

James, was it grape jelly?

Jam?

What's the difference?

Either way, it's gross

We're in a fruit mixture by a lake
I'm surprised the mosquitos didn't just swallow us whole

And James...goes for it

And the next thing you know
His mother is there
Instructing us

Isn't that disgusting?

And James doesn't even have a mother
He was adopted by--

James, did you have two dads at one point?
Or just the one dad?

That's a little weird

I mean, that's--

We've never really discussed--

And we're best friends and--

Okay, never mind

Well, anyway
His mom
Biological, I'm thinking

James, what did she look like?

Did she look like you?

Lorraine Bracco?

Why would your mother look like Lorraine Bracco?

That is absolutely horrifying

Because I don't want to think of Lorraine Bracco
Commenting on my sexual prowess
In that high-pitched New York accent

'Ooowwwww Lauren, you're doing it wrroonnnnnngg'

Horrifying

How could you let that happen, James?

Kerri, are you getting this?

You should write this down

We should post this all on Facebook
Because it's completely unbelievable

Hang on, I'm logging onto Facebook

You two stay on your lines

My best friend has sex with me in his dream
And somehow it turns into the porno version of Goodfellas meets Watership Down


James?

James, where did you go?

Kerri?

James?

Kerri?

. . . . .

Kerri?

James?

. . . . .

Okay, I'm going to blame this on a lost connection
But I suspect something else is going on here