Now We're Talking

I don't like guys who look like you
I should tell you that now
Before you start hitting on me

You're cute, don't get me wrong
I can appreciate that you're cute
It's just not going to get you anywhere with me

Besides, I'm not picking someone up on the train
I am so not doing that
That is--I mean, who does that?

I mean, I know people do it
But not me, I don't
It's--I'm not that kind of person

Also, I've never been approached
I mean, obviously you were about to approach me
But other than you, nobody has

So I've never really had to deal with this sort of thing before
But in my head, I always thought if something like this did happen
I would tell the person how flattered I was--am--and I'd just go on reading my book

Except I don't have a book on me right now
I don't actually ever carry a book around with me
Not that I don't read, but I usually read big books that you can't just cart around with you

Not that I'm a book snob or anything
I just happen to like larger things--books
I like them bigger--big--I like--you know what I mean

Or maybe you don't
I don't know
You haven't said a word yet, maybe you're mute

Not that I'm making fun of people with disabilities or anything
If being mute is even a disability
I don't know anyone who's actually JUST mute

Although I don't know any blind people either
But I would totally be friends with a blind person
Or a mute person--either or--or both!

The point is, in my head, I rejected anything like this
This sort of 'random encounter'
I just think its slutty

Not that I'm judgmental or anything
I mean, live and let live, you know
I vote for Democrats mostly

I just don't think this is personally right for me
The idea that you and I would just go back to my house--
--Well, my apartment, I have an apartment--and, you know--

I mean, I guess we could go back to your place
But that would be pretty dumb
Even dumber than just randomly hooking up with you

Although of course we would use protection
And I'm up to date on, you know, shots and stuff
But still, you can never be totally sure you're not harboring some kind of disease

I mean, I may have some sort of air-virus
That can be transmitted through staring at someone
Or something like that

I watched 60 Minutes and there was this woman in Bolivia
Who made love to a man
And two hours later he threw up his own kidneys

You should Youtube that
It was a really good segment
The photos were startling

Anyway, we could go back to your place
But you could also be a serial killer
Even though I don't think you are because you look sort of...

Okay, there's really no good way to say this
You look sort of like someone who isn't really interesting enough
To be a serial killer

Not that there weren't boring serial killers
I mean, I'm sure there were
I don't know much about serial killers

Actually, that's a lie
I know a lot about serial killers
I just didn't want to say that because then you'd think I'm weird

So if we went back to your place
I'd feel pretty okay about it, I guess
I mean, I'm assuming you have a place

Unless you live with your parents
Which would definitely be a deal-breaker
I mean, not that I'm looking down on you, but I live with my sister

And she always makes a comment when I bring people home
Not like hook-ups or anything, because, like I said, I don't really do that
But just anyone--anybody walks through the door--and she's got a comment

I've talked to her about it
But she is who she is
You can't expect her to change now

So we can't really go to my place
And if we can't go to your place
Then that would be a problem--I mean, logistically speaking

This car's empty, so maybe we could do it here?
You know, like in Risky Business?
Have you seen Risky Business?

Maybe you could come over sometime and watch it
While my sister's working at Chili's
I have it on DVD and VHS--I'm a little obsessed with it

Not that I want to open a brothel or anything
Sorry--the movie, it's about Tom Cruise running a brothel
I know!  Nobody knows that's what Risky Business is about, but that's what it's about

So, I mean, anyway
We could do it right here if you want
It would be kind of exciting and dangerous and--

Girlfriend?

You have a girlfriend?

Wow

Okay

Jesus

Well--

Why didn't you say something?