Love at Church Camp

Dear Joelle,

During evening prayer
He looks at me
And I try not to smile too quickly
Because I don't want to seem too eager

He's a year older than me
And he reminds me of Patrick
The boy who used to come to services
Before he and his family went on a mission
And never came back

This boy's name is John
And everyone at camp is in love with him
Even the counselors

This morning, we were in the same circle
And everyone was talking about
Their relationship to God
And he said his was like a spiderweb

At first I thought he meant that he felt trapped by it
His faith
And I started to say something to support him
Because sometimes I feel that way
But then he kept talking
And I guess what he meant was that his faith feels strong to him
Because he's as small as a spider
In comparison to the Lord
But that he feels like from the Lord's perspective
His faith is so fragile
Their bond could break so easily
If John isn't careful to maintain it

Everyone clapped after John spoke

I'm not doing it much justice
But the way he described it...

It really was beautiful

But it also made me sad

I've been trying to find someone here at camp
That I can identify with
And I thought maybe John would be that person

Another soul struggling with itself

But then he spoke and I knew
That his struggle isn't like mine
It's about him trying to please God
I'm worried about trying to please myself

I know that sounds selfish
But I just can't believe
That faith is something
That should torment me
The way it's seemed to
Since I was little

At night, I lay awake
And I'm smothered by the lack of sound
That runs the night

Sometimes I think I can hear water
Lapping at the lake
But I know it's impossible

The lake isn't anywhere near my cabin
And the sound of water
Is too loud to be anywhere
But inside my own head

The other campers sleep so soundly
And I lay with my eyes open
And my hands folded on my stomach
Pretending I can make myself disappear
Or transport--to somewhere else

A beach or a big city
Or anywhere that isn't here

It's not that I hate it here
It's just that I feel I don't belong
Everyone smiles all the time, Joelle
And when you feel the way I feel
Those smiles seem like condemnation
Like I'm a freak

A freak who uses big words
And got looked at sideways
Just for saying that I was looking forward
To AP English next year

People here don't love school the way I do
They think it's a distraction
From what they'd really like to be doing

Some of them are home-schooled
A lot of them actually
I think John might be too

School isn't a refuge for them
Like it is for me
And if I confessed that
They'd tell me my own refuge
Should be Christ
So I say nothing
And just keep my head down
Waiting for August to conclude itself

I have a fantasy I'd like to tell you about
But then I have to go
Because we have a dance tonight
And my cabin is walking to it as a group
Arms linked, I'm not kidding
That's how we go everywhere
They even bring me along that way
Though I know they'd rather not

But--my fantasy--it's not that racy
It's just completely illogical

I'm awake, it's nighttime
And there's a knock on the cabin window

I get down from my bunk
And I see John there
In the window
And, instantly, I panic
That he'll wake up one of the other girls

Just him being there would be grounds for expulsion from camp
And if my father knew a boy was coming to meet me in the middle of the night
Well--I might as well run off into the woods
And take my chances

I think all this--in the fantasy
Because even my fantasies can't be free of worry
But then I open the window
And John says, 'Come with me'
So I go

We run towards the lake
And the sound of water is back
But it's getting louder and louder

We strip off our clothes as we run
Shirts get tossed on branches
Socks thrown into trees

John hits the water first
But I stop right before the edge
Worried about going in with him
Worried because the sound of water hitting the shore
Is so, so loud

But he holds his hands to me
And says--It's okay.

So I walk in

And as soon as the water touches my feet
Everything goes still
Quiet
Not a sound

I hold his hands
And he leads me to the middle of the lake
And we're floating
Our legs kicking under us

Then, when we're floating right above
The center
And it feels like we're at the exact place
We're supposed to be
Both in time and in place
He says--'Let's go'

And I say 'Okay'
Because I know what he means

And we go under
And we do it

We disappear

And for what feels like hours
All I see in the dream
Is the lake

John and I are gone
And even I don't know where

I'm lost and I don't mind
Being lost

Isn't that amazing, Joelle?

I wish I could have that dream
Every night
For the rest of my life

Wouldn't that wonderful?

That would be
Heaven