How to Have Sex in America

The first thing I feel like I should mention
Is that we're not in America

So, you know, however we may do it
However may have sex in America
Right now, we are not
In America

We're in Japan
And that means we follow Japanese rules
Whatever those are
Or we make up new rules
That only pertain to us
Here, in this moment
In this country where neither of us speak the language
Or have any fucking clue how long we're going to be here
Because the Frederickson Scott brokerage firm
Can't seem to pull its head out of its own asshole
So we could be living in this lovely hotel
For quite some time

I just Skyped my wife
She's having an affair
Don't ask me how I know
I know, I know these things
I've known here--I've KNOWN her
Since we were fourteen
I know her inside and out
(And I'm not being crude)
She's having an affair
And I'm fine with it
It's fine

I mean, what is she supposed to do?
Sit around and wait for me to get back
From the land of too-clean streets and karaoke?
Nah, let her have her fun
I'm sure it's none of my friends
Probably some guy she met at the gym
Good for her
And good for me
I have a wife guys at the gym
Still want to fuck
Cheers to that, my friend

You think, uh, what's his name?
Your boyfriend or whatever?
Mark?

You think Mark's not having a good time
While you're over here with me?

Trust me, Richard
Everybody's doing
What everybody wants to do
That's the new order
The new way of being
It came in with yoga
And it's never going away

That's how to have sex in America
--When you want to
--Because you want to

But, as I said, we're not in America anyway
Which means we can really...

Ha

I like you, you know
I mean, we're pals, right?
Fuck me, who says 'pals?'
That's my sixth drink talking
But seriously, we're friends
We get along

And, I, uh...

Fuck man, I'm weird right now
Being here
It's weird

I mean, I'm not lonely, per se
But I'm definitely--displaced, you know?

Like, I'm not myself here

So, back in America, right--?
Back in America
I have this very definitive
Well-cultivated idea
Of who I am

I mean, I got a wife, right?
A hot wife
We're thinking of kids
I have this big house
I drive a nice car
I play golf
I fish with my dad
I watch football
I'm a fucking man, right?

I'm an American man

And there's a certain up-keep to that, you know?

Well, I mean, no, fuck, you wouldn't know
You're gay
Which doesn't make you not a man
But there are just certain pressures that you
As a gay man
Don't have to think about

So now I'm here, right?
With you, the two of us
And, at this point, because our company can't get its fucking act together
We're pretty much just on vacation

So you and I, what do we do?
We go out
We drink
We eat
We drink
We do 'Take On Me' at karaoke for the 4,000th fucking time
We drink
And then at the end of the night
We go to our rooms
Which are right fucking next to each other
And I feel like...

Like I feel like it's the end of a date, you know?

Like, you're walking me back to my door
Or I'm walking you back
And it feels sweet
I mean, I really like it

But there's another part of me
A really big part
That just wants to, like--go into your room
Or have you come into mine
And like--See what this thing is

This thing that--let's be clear--
Only exists here
Right now
Outside of, you know, America

Outside of the people we are
When we're in America

You in your stable gay relationship
And me in my happy 'look-the-other-way' kinda marriage

But here, it's like--

Like we don't even have to worry about that
About those words
Like what the fuck are those words?

Gay?  Straight?

We're two corporate guys in a foreign country
Doing absolutely fucking nothing
And going to bed every night
By ourselves

And like--why?  You know?  Why?

I don't...

Jesus, Richard
It's like we're on an island here, you know?
Like a fucking island

So if you could--

Look, I know you're attracted to me
And I don't say that just because I'm a guy
And you're gay
But because you look at me
And I see it?
Okay, I see it
And I'm looking at you
Right now
I'm looking right back at you
And I'm saying--

Whatever we do here
Whatever happens
It's not how it has to be forever
It's not how it has to be when we get home
But you already know what it would be like--with me, I mean
And I don't
I don't even know what it would be like
To be with you
Because I've never--

I'm saying show me
Show me
What it would be

Because I know how to have sex in America
I know how to have sex like a man
How to behave
How to treat the woman I'm with
How I'm supposed to react
And how she'll react
And how I can't really moan a certain way
Or cry out or even fucking cry
Because I'm just so happy
Because my wife feels so good
Because that would be weird

I know all that
I have mastered all that
But is there something else?
Is there?

Is there another way of being with someone
I mean, I know there is--clearly, you and--you and--you and--MARK
Right, MARK
That's a new way
And I'm not going to lie
That--I mean, that--

I mean, that's the only reason anybody has sex anyway, right?
Here, in America, wherever
It's just to find out something new
To learn something--or whatever
It's just to see some other part of a person
That they wouldn't show us otherwise
It's because we want to know
We want to believe
There's something else there
Aside from just the clothes and the cars
And the corporate credit cards
And the bullshit

We want to strip each other down
And just say--Okay, so that's something
That's something right there
That I didn't know existed

And then we're so fucking happy about it
--Realizing that we're not the only human being on the planet--
That we have sex just to celebrate the realization!

Isn't that wild?
That's fucking wild
Richard, I want you
I want to see
What you've got
Okay?
It's as simple as that
I like you
And I want to know
What else is there
Beyond this guy
I've been living with
For the past three weeks
In a hotel
In another country
Waiting
Waiting and doing nothing

So...can we?

Please?

I mean, because, who knows, right?
Who knows if we'll ever even get back to America?

This might it, you know
You and me?
What we're trying to figure out here?
Between the two of us?

This might be
The new way
Of getting things done