Tori Spelling Wants to Hang Out...Again

Dan, Tori wants to hang out tonight

Ugh, I'm not calling her back

I know, I know--she's Tori Spelling
But seriously
We JUST hung out with her on Friday

I'm just--ugh--I'm Tori'd out, you know?

I mean, it would be one thing if it was still 1992
And she was still, you know, Tori Spelling?

But now she's just kinda...Tori

I mean, she's still famous
She's more famous than anyone else we know
And I know she's nice
And she does a lot for gay people
And whatever, but seriously
I am worn out from her

All she wants to do is go looking for photographers
So she can walk her dog in front of them
And then be like--

Oh my God, leave me alone
I'm a human being!

I'm just so tired of it

And another thing--
Why does she insist on making us wear
Those 'Donna Martin Graduates' t-shirts
Every time we go out with her?
Remember what happened
When that guy walked up to us
Because he thought she was Jennie Garth?

Did we ever hear the end of that?

And she shows us herself on Oprah's Where Are They Now
One more time, I'm going to scream--

YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET TO MEET OPRAH
OPRAH JUST NARRATES THAT STUPID SHOW
STOP SAYING 'OH THAT OPRAH' LIKE YOU KNOW HER
BECAUSE YOU DON'T!

.......I love her, I do
And I think it's really cool
That we're able to be friends
With a relic from the 90's
But do you ever, sort of, in your heart
Wish that we were friends with, like, Tiffany?
Or Jason Priestley?
Or even...Shannon?


I know, if Tori heard me say that
She'd stab me and then herself
But still--

Hang on, that's the phone again

If she's leaving one of those voicemails where she cries
And talks about how not enough people saw 'Trick' I'm going--

Oh God

No, no, it's worse

It's Jaleel...again

You up for Urkel tonight?

I'll tell him we made plans with Tori

The devil you know..