Sex with Mr. Darcy

Okay, before we start
I'm going to need you to read this
Cover-to-cover

Oh!--and watch these DVD's
It might take you awhile

Focus more on the PBS version
Than the later version with, uh, Keira Knightley
Not that the Mr. Darcy in that one isn't handsome
He's very handsome
But, I mean, against Colin Firth it's like--

Yeah, good luck, buddy

Once you have a sense of the story
And the character
And you've memorized everything he says
And you've got the accent down
Then call me
And you can come over
And try on the costume

What?

No, we're starting today
Oh my goodness, absolutely not!
There's a lot of prep work that goes into this
It's not just a matter of 'pretending'
You can't just 'pretend' to be Mr. Darcy
Some men could spend years studying
And not even come close
To his essence

Oh, don't worry
I'll pay you for today
For gas money
Or whatever it cost you
To come over here

And I'll deduct the cost of the books
And whatever a suitable rental fee would be
For the DVD's
Of course if anything were to happen to them
You'd have to pay for replacements
Although I'd ask that you be very careful
As those are really treasures of mine
And I feel sort of uncomfortable loaning them out
To a sex worker
But I suppose--

Look, you're the one who answered the Craig's List ad
When you saw that I was looking for sex with Mr. Darcy
You must have realized
That some homework was going to be involved

What, did you think you were just going to slap on a silly wig
Throw me in your carriage
And have your way with me?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE A CARRIAGE?

God, it's like you showed up to play Heathcliff
Without knowing anything about brooding
Or Moors, or death from childbirth

This isn't going to be some one-off fling
It could be months
Before I even allow you
To hold my hand
Or help me over a puddle

You know, if you wanted some fast money
Maybe you should have responded
To one of those Rhett Butler ads
It's not like it takes any forethought
To summon that lothario

Just a mustache
And a sense of entitlement

Fine, if this is too complicated for you
Then just leave
I didn't realize having sex with a gigolo
Impersonating the ideal man
Was going to be so frustrating

I'd faint, but my fainting couch
Hasn't come in from Amazon yet

Never mind
Just go--GO!

. . . . .

Now what am I supposed to do
With all this tea?