On Your Way to Columbus

Allen, this is your mother
I know you're on your way to Columbus
But I really want you to think about
Turning around and coming home

I know you're feeling very passionate right now
And that's wonderful
But ultimately passion is just stupidity
Dressed up by Hollywood
To look glamorous

That's something you'll learn when you're older

Forgive me for butting in on your life
But I'm retired now
So it's either meddling in the affairs of my children
Or gardening
And you know my feelings about dirtying yourself intentionally
So here I am
Leaving you a message

By the way, thank you for not picking up the phone
While you're driving
That shows a great deal of maturity

What does NOT show a great deal of maturity
Is the fact that you're driving to Ohio right now
So you can break up the wedding
Of your ex-girlfriend

Allen, I know you loved Kristy
So did I
So did your father
We all loved Kristy
But Kristy moved away
And you two decided--very appropriately, I think
--That long distance wasn't a good idea
And she met someone else
And now they're getting married
And that's life

That's life, Allen
That's what all the people say
And that's what Frank Sinatra says
And he was a very wise man
Aside from all those times
He cheated on his wife

Now listen to me, Allen
You're in a very vulnerable state right now
You're almost thirty
You're not happy with your job
And I know you and Felicia haven't been getting along
But the solution is not to attempt time travel
And rekindle a flame that was blown out
Four years ago

I'm not sugar-coating this
Because I'm your mother
And your mother is the only person in your life
Who will tell you the truth all the time

Nobody else will do that for you
Not your friends, not your grandparents
And certainly not your father

So Allen, here it is, here's the truth--
You're acting like an asshole

You're going to get to Columbus
And you're either going to realize
What an idiot you're being
After having taken all this time off work
And driving all that way
Or you'll actually go through with trying to stop the wedding
And make a total fool out of yourself
Like that time you got your ear pierced
And for six months, everybody thought you were gay

On your way to Columbus
I want you to listen to this voicemail
Over and over again
Until you understand the sense in it
And call off this plan of yours

Sweetheart, the solution to life
Cannot be found
In the past

You have to push forward
You have to seek progress
You have to know that there isn't a backspace key
That can undo the errors you've made

Look, if you're going to drive, then drive
But don't stop at Columbus

Drive to Minneapolis
Drive to Las Vegas
Hell, drive to Hawaii, I don't care
Just don't stop somewhere
You've already been before

All right?

I love you very much

And if you do get arrested
Please--

Call your father