Ted Bundy Wasn't That Bad

I understand that a lot of people
Have their own opinions about him
But as Ted's second cousin
I would ask that you respect his family
At this time

We understand that he brutally murdered
Numerous women
But that was just one side of him

He could also be kind, decent
And very charming
Very, very charming

And also, we don't, you know
Have all the facts about everything

I mean, we have a lot of facts
But those facts are facts I haven't looked at
Because they differ with my opinion
So I'm assuming they don't really prove anything

I mean, who can really say who's a bad person
And who's a good person?

Like, who's in a position to judge like that?

Yes, there are quantitatively good people
Like Jesus and Carly Simon
And yes, there are bad people
Like Hitler and Cat Stevens
But Ted Bundy?

Where does he fall?

I mean, can we really say?
Can we?

I just think we should all let the dead be dead, you know?
Because they can't really be anything else

So just let them be
And respect those of us
Who want to talk about them
As if they were angels on Earth
And never human beings with flaws
Because now is not the time to talk about what they did wrong
And now that they're dead
That time will never come
And that's what's so great about dying

You can never have anything you did
Be held against you again
Except for, like, history books and stuff
Or as I like to call them "Opinion Books"

Please let my family and I grieve
And refrain from thinking our cousin was nothing but a murderer

I mean, he was a murderer
But that wasn't all he was
At least not to us
And that's our truth
And since the only people who knew him were us
And the women he...you know...um, yeah--

Then how can anybody really say anything about him at all?

 Right?

So...

Rest in Peace, Ted
Rest in Peace

A Parking Lot Sky

I promise I won’t fall in love

Under a parking lot sky

I’ll walk twenty miles

To the nearest surprise

And meet somebody

That won’t forget me

He’ll help me find my car

And discourage me from leaving

But my backseat’s full of plans

And my trunk has big ideas

Won’t you miss the sticking around

He asks me, scratching at his eyebrow

Won’t you be sad when you’re so far away

And your life sounds like an old country song

I’ll laugh and ask him what he’d call the song

And he says ‘A Parking Lot Sky’

Six cigarettes later I’m sipping a milkshake

Near a supermarket in LaMotte

Waiting to meet somebody with a lead

On a two-bedroom I can’t afford

And my wheels sputter back a little

Just a few inches

Scares the shit out of me though

So I check to make sure I’m in Park

Park, yup, we’re good

Just a fluke

Old cars got old personalities

And most of them are pissed off

The wheels spit some more

Kick up some sand

And make me drop my milkshake

Out the window

I see the mess it leaves

As the car reverses back out of the parking lot

Almost hitting this nice looking lady

With a shopping cart

That has nothing but two bottles of lotion

And a bag of potato chips in it

Once I’m on the road

I hop into the backseat

With the rest of my plans

Since I won’t be driving anyway

Okay, I think, fine by me

If the car wants to go somewhere

Let it

I’m not the one God gave tires to

After about an hour, I fall asleep

It’s almost like riding a train

And I can tell my car knows what it’s doing

Aside from almost running down a woman with nice skin

It seems to ride on the safe side

Keeping plenty of space between cars

And braking for red lights with time to spare

When I wake up

I check your phone

And it’s seven after eight

I scratch the morning out of my hair

And realize the car’s stopped

And I’m stopped along with it

In front of a sign that says—

‘Where to?’

Where to?

How the hell should I know?

The car was supposed to be in charge of that

I get out and walk up to the sign

Trying to see if I can find a clue

The sign’s covered in what looks like paper

So I pull a piece back

And see there’s something under it

I peel back page-after-page

Until I’ve got all of them off

Except for the top row

But even with that still covered

I can see what I’m looking at

It’s a photo of the guy

Back at the parking lot sky

So I get back in the car

But this time

It needs me to drive

I get out

Unload my trunk

Empty out my backseat

Then start moving ahead of myself

I promised myself I wouldn’t fall in love

But a promise to yourself is the hardest one to keep

Since you’re the only one

Holding you to it

And I have trouble holding on to anything

I’m just slippery like that

When he sees me pull up

I can tell I got here just in time

He wasn’t going to forget me

But he was going to forgive me for leaving

And forgiveness put on love

Is like cold water on a fire

It makes things sweet

When they want to be savored

I get out

Walk over

And wait around

For him to say something clever

Instead he puts his hands on my waist

And gives my neck a kiss

What kind of a man kisses your neck before your lips?

I guess I’m gonna find out

The Disappointed World of Alex Mack

                (ALEX and STEVE are sitting across from each other at a Starbucks.)

ALEX:  I just don’t understand Steve.

STEVE:  Alex, we’re just not sure how we can use you.

ALEX:  What are you talking about?  I’m a goddamn superhero!

STEVE:  Welllllllllllll let’s not go crazy here.

ALEX:  Steven, I can turn myself into a puddle.

STEVE:  Yeah, and I really don’t get how that’s going to help us.

ALEX:  I can shoot electricity from my fingers.

STEVE:  Occasionally, but whenever you do, you start glowing first.  You’re incapable of harnessing the power of surprise.

ALEX:  Telekinesis?

STEVE:  We have, like, six people who can do that.

ALEX:  So I can’t be in The Avengers?

STEVE:  Alex, you don’t want to be The Avengers.  It’s not a fun life.

ALEX:  And you think mine is?

STEVE:  Please lower your voice.

ALEX:  AND YOU THINK MINE IS?

STEVE:  I forgot that you hate being told to lower your voice.

ALEX:  I am a barista, Steve.

STEVE:  That’s a perfectly noble profession.

ALEX:  I.  Have.  Skills.

STEVE:  But clearly getting a coffee order right isn’t one of them.  This is not what I asked for.

ALEX:  Are you trying to be funny?

STEVE:  No, that’s actually Tony’s thing.

ALEX:  I’m sick of being a nobody.

STEVE:  Then become a somebody.  But you can’t just snap your fingers and become an Avenger.  It doesn’t work that way.

ALEX:  Is there some sort of membership fee I have to pay?  Some kind of bizarre hazing ritual?

STEVE:  You don’t even have a superhero name.  You’re just Alex Mack.

ALEX:  I’m Alex Mack because I don’t have anybody else to be!

STEVE:  We’re going in circles here.

ALEX:  Do you even care that I’m a deeply depressed person?  Does it bother you that I’m financially destitute?

STEVE:  And how will joining the Avengers solve that?

ALEX:  I’ll make money!

STEVE:  We don’t make any money.

ALEX:  What are you talking about?  You must make money.  How else would you live?

STEVE:  Well—they—I don’t know.  It’s very complicated.  But it’s not like I pick up a check once a week.

ALEX:  Do you have a 401K?

STEVE:  I’m uncomfortable talking about this!

ALEX:  You are such a wimp.

STEVE:  Excuse me?

ALEX:  Is this about you and me?

STEVE:  What?

ALEX:  About us.  About what happened in Fresno.

STEVE:  Alex, don’t do this.

ALEX:  You’re jealous of me, aren’t you?

STEVE:  Jealous of you?  I’m Captain America!

ALEX:  But you can’t turn into a puddle!

STEVE:  NOBODY WANTS TO TURN INTO A PUDDLE!

ALEX:  Lower your voice, Steve.

STEVE:  Alex—

ALEX:  So you don’t want me on the team.

STEVE:  I don’t care if you’re on the team.  The team is going to have eighty-seven people on it eventually.  It doesn’t matter to me.

ALEX:  So who doesn’t want me on it then?  Black Witch?  Red Widow?

STEVE:  Do you even read comic books?

ALEX:  What is the objection here?  I’ve had these powers for decades!  Let me put them to good use!

STEVE:  Alex, if you want to fight crime on your own, go right ahead.  Lots of people do that.  The blind guy.  The angry girl.  That ninja with the cool name—

ALEX:  I want to be a part of something.

STEVE:  So get a little team together.  What about those kids who can teleport?

ALEX:  The Tomorrow People?  I don’t want to hang out with them!  They’re Canadian for godsakes.

STEVE:  Are they?  God, there are so many Canadians.

ALEX:  There’s way too many Canadians.

STEVE:  I wish I could help, but my hands are tied.

ALEX:  I just don’t believe that.

STEVE:  Alex, just because I lead the team, that doesn’t mean I get to have all the say.  There’s an administration.  There’s a bureaucracy.  There always is.

ALEX:  So let me make my case.

STEVE:  They just don’t think you’re…marketable enough.

ALEX:  What does marketing have to do with it?

STEVE:  Marketing has everything to do with everything, Alex.  We have action figures based on us.  You don’t even have a cape.

ALEX:  I could get a cape.

STEVE:  Oh my God, you would look so stupid with a cape.

ALEX:  Hey!

STEVE:  It’s not you, it’s just that not everybody can pull off a cape.  Hawkeye tried wearing a cape for, like, a second, and we were like, ‘Oh my God, Hawkeye, take off that cape.  You look so stupid.’

ALEX:  Oh.

STEVE:  We still tease him about it.

ALEX:  I guess it’s a done deal then.

STEVE:  I’m sure there’s some other organization you can be a part of, Alex.

ALEX:  Do you think I could be an X-man?

STEVE:  Mmmm  I’m not allowed to admit that they exist, so—

ALEX:  But they do—

STEVE:  I really can’t talk about it, Alex.

ALEX:  They’re definitely—

STEVE:  I really can’t, you know, comment, or—

ALEX:  But—

STEVE:  I just can’t.

ALEX:  Steve—

STEVE:  Alex, I can’t.

ALEX:  Okay, fine.  Well, it was nice seeing you at least.

STEVE:  Really?

ALEX:  No, I hate you.

STEVE:  That seems fair.  I really am sorry about all this.

ALEX:  It’s just so easy for you.  You know what you’re going to do for the rest of your life.  You get to be a hero.  I just have to stand by on the sidelines and watch.

STEVE:  You want to know a secret, Alex?

ALEX:  Sure.

STEVE:  Sometimes I miss the sidelines.

                (He gets up and walks out.  ALEX just sits.  Lights.)

Salute Your Shortfall

                (EDWARD, NATALIE, DINA, HARRIS, and ROBERT are standing by a lake at nighttime.  A fire burns in the middle of the water.)

DINA:  I can’t believe you guys talked me into this.

ROBERT:  It’s what he wanted, honey.

DINA:  Good thing he didn’t ask to be mummified, or we’d probably be wrapping him in bandages right now.

HARRIS:  Sorry we had to pull you away from your exciting life of screwing over poor people, Dina.

DINA:  Suck my dick, Sponge.

HARRIS:  I told you not to call me—

NATALIE:  (Over-lapping.)  --Guys, please!  A little respect!  A man’s body is burning in the middle of the lake.

EDWARD:  I’m glad I got here when I did.  I didn’t want him to die alone in that creepy cabin.

DINA:  Scared of Zeke the Plumber, Donkeylips?

NATALIE:  Dina!  The nicknames—

DINA:  I never had a nickname.

HARRIS:  That’s because your real name is stupid enough.

ROBERT:  Poor Ug.

NATALIE:  Kevin.  Poor Kevin.

DANIEL:  Do you think he wanted to die here?

EDWARD:  Actually, his last words were—Please don’t let me die here, Donkeylips.

DINA:  Hopefully you didn’t ask him to call you Edward.

EDWARD:  I was about to, but then he died.

HARRIS:  He said he didn’t want to die here, and you didn’t do anything?

NATALIE:  What was he supposed to do?  Carry him somewhere else?

DANIEL:  Is Michael coming?

DINA:  Oh my God, Daniel, enough about Michael.

DANIEL:  I just thought I’d see him.

EDWARD:  Was Michael the brown-haired one?

DANIEL:  No!  That was Pinsky.  He was nothing like Michael.

DINA:  He’s obsessed with Michael.  He even hired a private detective to find him.

HARRIS:  Well, that’s not creepy.

DANIEL:  I just want to make sure he’s okay!

NATALIE:  Did you try Googling him?

HARRIS:  I bet he’d love to try Googling him.

DINA:  That’s enough!  I don’t have to stand here and listen to people I haven’t seen in twenty years insinuate that my husband is gay.  I have the mainstream media for that.

NATALIE:  Well, I think we’ve all done what we came here to do.  Now we can go home.

EDWARD:  Does anybody want to grab a drink?  I flew here from Chicago, so—

DINA:  Jesus, Donkeylips.

NATALIE:  Dina—Oh God, you know what?  Never mind.

HARRIS:  I wonder what’s going to happen to the camp.  Ug is gone.  Dr. Kahn died in that volleyball accident—

DINA:  I wish I had seen him at some point.

HARRIS:  Who runs this place now anyway?

EDWARD:  Ug said there were new owners.

NATALIE:  Really?  Somebody bought this trash heap?

DINA:  Well, they probably don’t want to keep it as a camp.  They’re probably going to turn it into a lakeside resort.

                (A beat.  EVERYONE looks at DINA.)

DINA:  …Or something.

NATALIE:  Dina…did you buy the camp?

DANIEL:  Technically, we bought it.  I pitched in.

DINA:  That was just for tax purposes, sweetheart.

HARRIS:  Are you seriously turning this place into a resort?

DINA:  Well you heard Telly, it’s a dump.

HARRIS:  But it’s our dump!

DINA:  No, it’s my dump.  And I can do with it what I want.

EDWARD:  So why don’t you keep it the way it is?

DINA:  You expect me to run a camp?  For children?

NATALIE:  Dina, if it weren’t for this camp, we wouldn’t even know each other.

DINA:  All the more reason to close it.  Z.Z. still calls me once a year to borrow money so she can go to Coachella.

EDWARD:  You met your husband here!

DANIEL:  Back when I was a renegade.

DINA:  You had a mullet, Daniel.  It’s not like you were riding a motorcycle through a ring of fire.

DANIEL:  Well, maybe I would have if you didn’t neuter me!

                (A beat.)

DINA:  Do I have to get Dr. Bradford on the phone?

DANIEL:  No.

DINA:  Do you want one of your pills?

DANIEL:  No.  (A beat.)  Maybe.

HARRIS:  This is terrifying.

DANIEL:  You should see what happens when Dr. Bradford makes us use the puppets.

HARRIS:  No, I mean, the idea of Dina being in control of Annawanna.

DINA:  Is that really its name?  That can’t be its name?

HARRIS:  This is ridiculous.

DINA:  I know, I mean, is that Indian or something—

NATALIE:  Dina—

DINA:  Sorry, Native American or something—

NATALIE:  You can’t just bulldoze the whole camp.

DINA:  There’s nothing to bulldoze.  It’s a couple of rundown cabins and a volleyball net that has yellow caution tape around it next to a chalk outline of Dr. Kahn’s body.  By the way, was he missing an arm or did he just fall on it?

EDWARD:  Nobody knows?

HARRIS:  This camp may not have meant anything to you, but it meant something to a lot of other people.

DINA:  Then I guess it’s a good thing we have photos and memories, because in six months, it’s going to be The Roundhouse.

EDWARD, NATALIE, and HARRIS:  Huh?

DINA:  The Roundhouse—A Lakeside Resort and Spa.  A place for families to enjoy each other surrounded by the beauty of nature.

DANIEL:  Do I get a discount?

DINA:  Absolutely not.

NATALIE:  Dina, you can’t possibly be as heartless as your voting record on social issues suggests.

DINA:  How is it heartless to take something that nobody likes and turn it into something that very rich people can take pleasure in?

EDWARD:  If all you’re looking to do is turn a profit, why don’t you just sell the camp to me?  I have money.

DINA:  You do?  From what?

NATALIE:  He has the potsticker company.

EDWARD:  Stickies.  They’re called Stickies.

DINA:  And you made money off that?

EDWARD:  Oh God, yes.  Remember—I donated to your campaign last year.

HARRIS:  You donated to campaign?  She ran against a disabled army vet!

EDWARD:  I don’t get involved in politics, Harris.  I just give money to anybody I went to summer camp with—that’s why I bought Z.Z. tickets to Bonaroo last year.

NATALIE:  Is there anybody here who hasn’t given Z.Z. money?

HARRIS:  Dina, I’ll go in with Edward and by the camp off you.

DINA:  You have no money.

HARRIS:  Yes, I do.

DINA:  From what?

HARRIS:  I invested in Stickie’s.

DANIEL:  I told you we needed to get in on that.

DINA:  What about you, Telly?  Do you want to buy the camp off me too?

NATALIE:  I could, I guess.

EDWARD:  Where’d you get your money from?

NATALIE:  I worked hard and saved.

ALL, but NATALIE:  Ohhhh…

NATALIE:  Just kidding.  I married some old guy.

                (They ALL laugh.)

NATALIE:  But sure, yeah, I’ll invest.

DANIEL:  I can invest too.

DINA:  Daniel, are you even paying attention?

DANIEL:  I just got caught up in the moment.

DINA:  Fine.  You can buy the camp off me.  But I’m charging the three of you twice what I paid for it, and I want a stake in it from now on.

HARRIS:  I can’t believe you caved.

DINA:  Well, truth be told, I doubt anybody would want to go to a resort and spa next to a toxic waste dump.

                (They all murmur in agreement.  Just then, MICHAEL bursts onto the scene.)

MICHAEL:  Did I miss it?

                (ALL gasp.)

DANIEL:  Michael.

MICHAEL:  Budnik.

DINA:  It’s actually—

                (But before she can finish, MICHAEL and DANIEL share a passionate kiss.)

DINA:  Okay, he might be gay.

EDWARD:  Guys, the funeral pyre just came apart.

                (They all watch as the pyre splits up and sinks into the lake.)

NATALIE:  Well, the good news is, the lake was already pretty polluted.

HARRIS:  Rest in peace, Ug.

ALL:  Rest in peace.

                (Lights.)

A Thousand Orgasms

He gave me a thousand orgasms

Before he died of a broken heart

Someone else had cut him loose

And he found his way to me

A piece of advice

Find a man

Who has something

To prove

Then brace yourself

You’re about to find yourself

Changed

Within minutes, we were stripped

Left with nothing but our legs

And our mouths

And our suggestions to each other

About which way to go

And what things to try

In heartbeats, we were moving past

Our own histories

Well...I was

He was lost in his objective

To prove that he was a man

Someone should regret losing

I’ll save you all the clever sexual verbs

How he ravished me

Devoured me

Did things to me

That a half-starved lion

Would do to a flank steak

None of that’s interesting

At least not to me

I’m sure your minds must be...reeling

All you need to know

--The only lascivious thing

You need to keep

In

Mind

Is that with that man

I experienced a thousand orgasms

And what I didn’t know

Until I was with him

Is that orgasms

Are experiences

And by virtue of them

Being experiences
No two are alike

Snowflakes, you know,

Although that’s really just bullshit

Because you the fuck can tell what a snowflake looks like

Unless you put it under a microscope

No, I’m talking about--

What I”m talking about is--

A story

Or, you know, a thousand stories

A thousand perfect

Simple, and yet, undeniably complex

Little stories

Little deaths

French, you know?

And that was astounding to me

Because I’d--

Oh God, this is kind of a confession, isn’t it?

I didn’t mean it to be

Although, I guess it’s impossible to talk about sex

Without confessing something

Anyway, uh--

I’d never had an orgasm

Never, not once

I mean, I’d been with, you know,

A fair share, of uh, you know

But never--

Not once, uh--never

Never ever

So...as you can imagine

The first time--

Well, and then, the fact

That the first time

Was followed up by the, uh--haha

The second and the third

Straight to the thousandth

Straight on to Neverland

Straight on to morning, you know?

I mean, I went there

To Hook and back

Crocodiles and all

And, uh, it was…

But the whole thing was so--um, bodily, you know?

Not bodily, what’s the word I mean?

Physical

It was so physical

But not intimate

Not, I mean, not even really sexual

Just…

I mean, truth be told,

It was kind of lonely

Kind of isolated

Because he wasn’t with me, you see?

He was off somewhere else

Thinking about who he was showing up

And there I was

Pressed up against him

Wondering when he was going to check in

And realize who I was

That I wasn’t the person who hurt him

That I was…

That I was someone whose life

Was changing right in front of his eyes

But it never happened

One orgasm after another

And the whole time

It’s just me

It’s just me and that grinding axe of his

. . . . .

When it was all over

I felt like I needed to thank him

But all I could do was stare at the back of him

Watching his jeans go up

And his shoulders shrug down

He was disappointed

In me or himself

I couldn’t tell which

And he left through the side door

Grabbing an apple on his way out

I was stung more than if he had been a hornet

Laying in bed, wondering--

Did something that just happen for me

Or at me

Or to me

Or with me…

Not with me

That was for sure

I took a drag off a joint I’d rolled

And thought to myself--

Jesus Christ

A week later he was dead

Drowned in that little lake

Over near the high school

We were young, you know

Stuff like that, well--

Stuff like that used to happen all the time

Keenan and Kel for Fifteen Minutes

                (KEENAN and KEL are sitting in a coffee shop.)

KEL:  Keenan—

KEENAN:  Don’t say it, Kel.

KEL:  I’m here because I love you.

KEENAN:  And because you need money.

KEL:  Hey!  (A beat.)  I mean, I do need money, but that’s not the only reason I’m here.

KEENAN:  If you want money, I’ll give it to you, but remember where the money is coming from.

KEL:  It’s coming from you.  Where else would it be coming from?

KEENAN:  No, I mean, remember how I’m getting the money.

KEL:  I’m confused.

KEENAN:  The job I do.

KEL:  Oh right, now I remember why I’m here.

KEENAN:  Kel—

KEL:  You need to quit SNL.

KEENAN:  Kel…

KEL:  It’s embarrassing.  You’re like Darrell Hammond.

KEENAN:  Hey, come on now.  I know Darrell Hammond!

KEL:  Because he won’t leave SNL!

KEENAN:  He left!  He just…came back—

KEL:  Oh my God.

KEENAN:  As an announcer!  He’s the announcer!  …And probably Bill Clinton if Hillary wins.

KEL:  People are making fun of you.

KEENAN:  What people?

KEL:  I just saw Josh at the reunion—

KEENAN:  At the All That reunion?

KEL:  Yeah, and—

KEENAN:  People were making fun of me at the ALL THAT REUNION?

KEL:  Yes, but—

KEENAN:  Fuck them.

KEL:  Keenan—

KEENAN:  Are any of them working?

KEL:  Yes.

KEENAN:  In show business?

KEL:  Oh!  No.  None of them.

KEENAN:  There you go.

KEL:  Would you really call what you’re doing now ‘work?’

KEENAN:  In that I show up somewhere, do something, and get paid for it—Yes, I would call it work.

KEL:  Your definition is so narrow.

KEENAN:  Look, I know you don’t have any respect for what I do, Kel—

KEL:  Keenan, you used to be an artist.

KEENAN:  I was never an artist.

KEL:  You were.

KEENAN:  Kel—

KEL:  You were!

KEENAN:  We made ‘Good Burger,’ Kel.  Not ‘Gangs of New York.’

KEL:  ‘Good Burger’ was a subtle jab at the obesity problem in America.

KEENAN:  No, it wasn’t.  It was about hamburgers.

KEL:  You never dug deep enough, Keenan.  That was always your problem.

KEENAN:  How much?

KEL:  What?

KEENAN:  How much money do you need?

KEL:  I changed my mind.  I don’t want your money.

KEENAN:  Don’t ask me for money then turn me down and then call up Amanda looking for it.  She doesn’t have it to give to you.

KEL:  What happens between me and Amanda is between me and Amanda.

KEENAN:  She’s broke, Kel.

KEL:  She’s not broke.  She has Hairspray money.

KEENAN:  Hairspray was ten years ago.

KEL:  Was it?  Oh my God.

KEENAN:  If you want money, take it from me.  I have it.

KEL:  You can’t have that much.

KEENAN:  Some of us know how to save.

KEL:  It’s not that I didn’t save—

KEENAN:  Oh, I don’t want to get into this.

KEL:  It’s not that I didn’t save.  It’s just that I was financially misadvised.

KEENAN:  By who?

KEL:  Lori Beth.

KEENAN:  I can’t believe you took stock tips from Lori Beth.

KEL:  She sounded like she knew what she was talking about.

KEENAN:  Kel, let me ask you something.  When Lori Beth would do Vital Information, would you listen and actually take the Vital Information as if it were real information?

KEL:  You don’t need to get snarky about it, okay?

KEENAN:  You know, you and the rest of those people—

KEL:  --Those people?

KEENAN:  The All That people.  You all say I’m pathetic—

KEL:  Nobody was calling you pathetic.

KEENAN:  (Over-lappinp.)  When really—

KEL:  (Over-lapping.)  Nobody was calling you—

KEENAN:  (Over-lapping.)  When really, I’m part of the culture, and the rest of you are stuck in some thirty-year-old’s lost childhood.

                (A beat.)

KEL:  I’m really mad at you right now, but I’m not going to lie, that was deep.

KEENAN:  I’ve been working on a book.

KEL:  A book?

KEENAN:  Yeah, I’m writing a book.

KEL:  You got a publishing deal?

KEENAN:  No.

KEL:  Oh.

KEENAN:  So?

KEL:  Nothing, it’s just—so you’re writing a book.

KEENAN:  Maybe I’ll write it and then I’ll get a deal.

KEL:  Yeah, okay, I just—What’s the book about?

KEENAN:  My life.  It’s going to be like that book that kid Pete wrote.

KEL:  You mean an autobiography?

KEENAN:  Yeah.

KEL:  So wait—am I in the book?

KEENAN:  Yeah.

KEL:  Really, Keenan?

KEENAN:  Kel, we spent, like, our entire teenage years together.  People confuse me for you all the time.

KEL:  Yeah, but that’s just racism.

KEENAN:  I know, but—

KEL:  You should really correct them when they do that.

KEENAN:  The point is, you’re a big part of my life.  That’s why I wish you wouldn’t shit all over me about, you know, my career and stuff.

KEL:  I just think you can do better.

KEENAN:  I think you can do better too, but at least—

                (He stops himself.)

KEL:  But at least you’re doing something.

KEENAN:  I know you’ve been trying to—

KEL:  It’s all right.  Don’t backpedal now.

KEENAN:  You know, I could get you a meeting with Lorne.

KEL:  Fuck Lorne.

KEENAN:  Kel—

KEL:  He’s not going to put you and me on the same show together.

KEENAN:  Why not?  That’d be great publicity.

KEL:  Keenan, I’ve accepted the fact that you’re going to be the successful one of the two of us, okay?  I’ve been preparing for that my whole life.

KEENAN:  Oh, don’t give me that.

KEL:  It’s—

KEENAN:  Like you weren’t always the star?  Like I wasn’t always the straight man letting all your jokes land on me?

KEL:  I was a goofball.

KEENAN:  And when we were coming up, that’s what people wanted, and now that people want something more nuanced—

KEL:  Nuanced?  You think SNL is nuanced?

KEENAN:  I—

KEL:  You playing Al Sharpton for the eight THOUSANDTH time is NUANCED?

KEENAN:  Okay, we’re now getting close to saying some stuff I don’t think we want to be saying.

KEL:  Do you respect me as an artist?

KEENAN:  No.

KEL:  Keenan!

KEENAN:  YOU’RE NOT AN ARTIST!  You have to make ART to be an ARTIST!  You have to make SOMETHING!  You can’t just say ‘I’m an artist.’  That’d be like me saying ‘I’m a brain surgeon!’

KEL:  You’re so hateful, man.

KEENAN:  Kel—

KEL:  You’re just full of hate.

KEENAN:  How much money do you need?

KEL:  I’m not taking your money.

KEENAN:  Kel—

KEL:  Fuck you and fuck Lorne Michaels and fuck SNL and fuck that guy who does Weekend Update, he’s not even fucking funny.

KEENAN:  Hey, Michael’s my friend!

KEL:  Not Michael—the other guy.

KEENAN:  Oh Colin?  Yeah, he sucks.

KEL:  He really sucks.

KEENAN:  Nobody gets it.

                (A beat.)

Just tell me how much you need.

KEL:  Thirty-seven dollars.

KEENAN:  Thirty-seven bucks?

KEL:  Well, thirty-eight if you have it.  I need thirty-seven dollars and forty-five cents, but I didn’t think you’d have change on you.

KEENAN:  That’s it?

KEL:  Yeah, I’m just a little short on rent this month.

KEENAN:  Usually you need, you know, all the rent, for like, six months.

KEL:  I got a job.

KEENAN:  You did?

KEL:  Yeah, I’m...

KEENAN:  Dude, if you’re working at Wendy’s, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

KEL:  Uh—try the new Scorsese show, dude.

KEENAN:  What?

KEL:  Yeah.

KEENAN:  The HBO one?

KEL:  Yeah.

KEENAN:  But I went out for that show.

KEL:  I know, that’s why I didn’t want to—

KEENAN:  But then why am I giving you money?

KEL:  My first check hasn’t come in yet, and I need to pay my rent so—

KEENAN:  FUCK YOU!

KEL:  Keenan—

KEENAN:  I auditioned for that role six times!

KEL:  I auditioned too!

KEENAN:  Six times?

KEL:  Oh God, no.  Just once.

KEENAN:  Once?

KEL:  I guess you auditioned a bunch of times, and then I auditioned, and they were like ‘Oh yeah, he’s what we’re looking for.’

KEENAN:  I’m going to kill you!

KEL:  I didn’t give myself the role, Keenan!  You didn’t even tell me you were going out for it!

KEENAN:  Because I’m superstitious!  You know that!

KEL:  I’m sorry!

KEENAN:  That was going to be what got me off SNL!

KEL:  You can still quit SNL!

KEENAN:  To do what?  Host a gameshow on Lifetime?!?

KEL:  Do you want me to give up the role?

KEENAN:  Don’t be an idiot.  If you give up the role, they’ll probably just give it to Corbin Bleu.

KEL:  The kid from High School Musical?

KEENAN:  He read right after me.  I thought he’d be taking the role from me.  Not my best friend.

KEL:  I’m sorry, man.

KEENAN:  It’s cool.

                (A beat.)

KEL:  Can I still have the thirty-eight bucks?

KEENAN:  (Groans.)  Fine.  But you’re paying me back.

KEL:  Cool.

                (KEENAN takes out a checkbook and writes KEL a check.)

KEL:  I’m going to make you proud of me.

KEENAN:  What do you mean?

KEL:  You know, like, with the show—the role.  I want to make you proud.

KEENAN:  Kel, I’m not your Daddy.

KEL:  No, but you’re my friend, and I know I’m kind of always, you know, screwing up and stuff, so—I wanted to show you that I, uh, you know, that I could take care of myself.  That you didn’t have to worry about me.

KEENAN:  I’m always going to worry about you.  It doesn’t matter if you’re on some fancy HBO show or if you win an EmmyohmygodifyouwinanEmmyIllkillyou.

                (KEL laughs.)

You’re my family.  You know that.

                (He hands him the check.)

KEL:  Was it cool?  The first time you got to say ‘Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!’  Was it cool?

KEENAN:  Yeah.  It was really cool.

KEL:  Not everybody gets to do that, you know.  Not everybody’s that lucky.

KEENAN:  Yeah.  You’re right about that.

                (Lights.)