All That Baggage

(JOSH is sitting at a bar.  ALISA walks up to the bar, notices JOSH, thinks about saying something, changes her mind, changes it back, and sits down.)

ALISA:  Josh?

(He turns to her.)

JOSH:  Hi.

ALISA:  Hi.

JOSH:  Do we--uh?

ALISA:  It’s Alisa.

JOSH:  Oh my--

ALISA:  (Over-lapping.)  From--

JOSH:  (Over-lapping.)  I know--Now, I know, I mean--

ALISA:  (Over-lapping.)  I’m here for the--

JOSH:  (Over-lapping.)  The reunion, right, I--obviously--

ALISA:  (Over-lapping.)  Sorry, I--

JOSH:  (Over-lapping.)  No, it’s fine.

(A beat.)

ALISA:  You look exactly the same.

JOSH:  Well, I mean, we saw each other at the last reunion.

ALISA:  Yeah, but that was like--ten--

JOSH:  Wow--yeah.  Ten years ago.  Jesus.

ALISA:  And apparently I don’t look the same.

JOSH:  No, I’m sure you do, it’s just--

ALISA:  (Over-lapping.)  We didn’t really talk during--

JOSH:  (Over-lapping.)  I’m really high right now.

(A beat.)

ALISA:  Okay then.

JOSH:  No, I mean, uh--I am high, but--

ALISA:  It’s fine.

JOSH:  No, trust me, it’s really not.

ALISA:  High on what?

JOSH:  Oh, just weed.  Weed and pills.

ALISA:  Okay.

JOSH:  And I”m drunk, but that’s--

ALISA  When you say pills--

JOSH:  And I did some coke--

ALISA:  Oh.

JOSH:  The pills were just--I don’t know what they were.

ALISA:  Well--

JOSH:  I’m a mess right now.

ALISA:  It’s--yeah.

JOSH:  Yeah, like, yeah I’m a mess?

ALISA:  I mean--you said it.

JOSH:  (Over-lapping.)  Yeah, sorry.

(A beat.  Silence.)

ALISA:  At least they put us up at a nice hotel.

JOSH:  Seriously?  This is two steps above a trailer park.

ALISA:  I guess I don’t stay in a lot of hotels.

JOSH:  I practically live in them.

ALISA:  Why?

JOSH:  Because I’m an actor.

ALISA:  You still act?

JOSH:  All the time.  Don’t you?

ALISA:  No, I pretty much gave it up.

JOSH:  That’s too bad.

ALISA:  No it’s not, I was a terrible actress.

JOSH:  I’ve hooked up with so many bad actresses.

ALISA:  Did you ever--

JOSH:  --What?

ALISA:  You know--with anyone from the show?

JOSH:  Oh god yeah.

ALISA:  Really?

JOSH:  Like, all of them.

ALISA:  All of them?

JOSH:  I was on the show for six years.  I was twenty-one by the time it was over.  I had to do something to keep my sanity.

ALISA:  So Katrina--?

JOSH:  Katrina, Amanda--

ALISA:  I mean, Amanda--

JOSH:  Who hasn’t with Amanda?

ALISA:  I--never mind.

JOSH:  You?  You with Amanda?

ALISA:  I was really confused.

JOSH:  About your sexuality?

ALISA:  No, I wasn’t confused about that.  I know I’m gay.  I was confused about Amanda.  I just wanted to figure her out, and I thought sleeping with her would help.

JOSH:  It doesn’t.

ALISA:  It really doesn’t.

JOSH:  It only confuses you more.

ALISA:  I was, like, broken after that.  I cried at everything.  And I’d only eat plain toast.

JOSH:  You know who fucked me up like that?  Lori Beth.

ALISA:  YOU SLEPT WITH LORI BETH?

JOSH:  I told you, I slept with everybody.  I even gave Kel a handjob once.

ALISA:  I--Wow.

JOSH:  I mean, I didn’t sleep with you--but now I know why.

ALISA:  You slept with Lori Beth?

JOSH:  It wasn’t as weird as sleeping with Amanda.

ALISA:  She was like our mom.

JOSH:  Okay, don’t be like that.

ALISA:  Like what?

JOSH:  She was not like our mom just because she was fat.

ALISA:  Whoa--

JOSH:  That’s why you’re so--

ALISA:  (Over-lapped.)  Her being, you know, overweight--

JOSH:  (Over-lapped.)  She was a beautiful girl.

ALISA:  (Over-lapped.)  --Has nothing to do with--

JOSH:  (Over-lapped.)  --And she was tender with me.  Very tender.

ALISA:  (Over-lapped.)  --She was motherly--Please don’t say tender.

JOSH:  (Over-lapped.)  --Extremely tender.

ALISA:  Let me ask you something--

JOSH:  Kel was stoned and drunk.  I was just stoned.

ALISA:  Not about--yeah.  No, I wanted to ask, did, um…

JOSH:  What?

ALISA:  When you slept with Amanda?

JOSH:  Oh my God, are we still on Amanda?

ALISA:  Can I just--

JOSH:  Sorry, sorry.

ALISA:  When you slept with her, did she…

(A beat.)

ALISA:  Do...characters?

(A beat.)

JOSH:  What are you talking about?

ALISA:  It’s just...when she was with me...she…

JOSH:  She did her characters?

ALISA  Yes.

JOSH:  Oh my God.

ALISA:  I know.

JOSH:  OH MY GOD.

ALISA:  Oh come on, it’s not that weird.

JOSH:  It’s so weird.

ALISA:  You never did that?

JOSH:  Are you asking if I ever did Earboy when I was having sex with someone?  No!

ALISA:  Okay, never mind.

JOSH:  She did her characters?

ALISA:  Just drop it, please.

JOSH:  Fine.

(A beat.)

Fine.

(A moment.)

ALISA:  I can’t believe the studio’s not there anymore.

JOSH:  I know.  It makes the whole thing feel, like--I don’t know.  Like it doesn’t count.

ALISA:  I mean, we’re at a Hilton in Canada.  This is not, you know, I mean, I hate to be the person saying this shit, but like, this is not--

JOSH:  Our show?

ALISA:  Exactly.  And I realize we haven’t even done anything yet.  I haven’t even seen a script, but--

JOSH:  Why would you need to see a script?

ALISA:  Just, you know, to look at my lines or whatever and--

JOSH:  But you don’t have any lines.

(A beat.)

Oh...Did you...not know that?

ALISA:  I...No, I did not.  I just...assumed…

JOSH:  I mean, you’re in it.  You’re, you know, at the end when everybody comes out.

ALISA:  So you’ve seen a script?

JOSH:  Yeah, they have me doing Earboy so I have to--

(ALISA stands up to leave.)

ALISA:  This is so fucked up.

JOSH:  Alisa--

ALISA:  Like, why did I agree to do this?  I’m thirty-five years old for godsakes.

JOSH:  It’ll still be cool to see everyone.

ALISA:  You think I came all the way out here to see everyone?  Just to stand around and wave at the camera?  Fuck you, Josh.

JOSH:  Hey!  I had nothing to do with this.

ALISA:  No, you just get to do Earboy again.  Like that was ever funny.

JOSH:  Hey, let’s not say shit we’ll regret, because I’m really fucked up right now and I’ll probably say something really wrong and then not remember it later.

ALISA:  Tell everyone I said hi.  Tell the producers they can kiss my ass.

JOSH:  Alisa, you have to do it.  We’re like--like, you and me, we’re--we’re the original cast, you know?  Like part of it?

ALISA:  It’s not going to matter if I’m there or not.

JOSH:  Katrina’s not going to be there.  Neither is Angelique.

ALISA:  Katrina’s not going to be there?

JOSH:  I called her, but her exact words were ‘I’m not flying to Canada to play Ross Perot in your fucking Earboy sketch.’

ALISA:  Wow.

JOSH:  Lori Beth isn’t coming.

ALISA:  Seriously?

JOSH:  Yup.

ALISA:  Why not?

JOSH:  She got a part in a movie in Brussels.  I don’t think it’s anything legit, but they had her under contract.  She filmed a Vital Information sketch there, and they’re going to break it up into segments and show it before commercial breaks so nobody will even realize she’s not there.

ALISA:  So we’re the only two original cast members going?

JOSH:  Yeah.  Keenan’s on SNL--

ALISA:  Oh, fuck Keenan.

JOSH:  Fuck Keenan, yeah.

(A moment.)

ALISA:  Are we--I mean, is this--

JOSH:  I lied to you, Alisa.

ALISA:  About giving Kel a handjob?

JOSH:  No, I wish I was lying about that.  I lied about staying in hotels.  I never stay in hotels.  This hotel could be amazing for all I know.  And I haven’t done a movie in forever.  I just didn’t want to sound like a loser.

ALISA:  But I told you, I haven’t--

JOSH:  I know, but--you seem cool with, you know, not having a career anymore, and I’m--like, I’m really not cool with it.

(A beat.  ALISA sits down again.)

ALISA:  I lied too.

(He looks at her.)

I had a thing for Lori Beth.

JOSH:  Ha!

ALISA:  I still say she was motherly, but...I did think she was hot.

JOSH:  That’s...yeah.

ALISA:  I’m so jealous of you right now.

JOSH:  You should be.  She was amazing.

ALISA:  Ugh.

JOSH:  So--

ALISA:  Don’t say it.

JOSH:  Tender.

(She hits him.  He laughs.  A beat.)

ALISA:  Is anybody even going to watch this?

JOSH:  People our age will.

ALISA:  Won’t it just make them sad?  Seeing how old we’ve gotten?  Making them feel old?

JOSH:  Nostalgia’s hot right now.  They’re even talking about rebooting Roundhouse.

ALISA:  Nobody ever gave a shit about Roundhouse.

JOSH:  I loved Roundhouse.  I wanted to be on Roundhouse.  I always felt like our show was, like, the less cool cousin of Roundhouse.

ALISA:  I loved our show.  Our show is the show they should be rebooting.

JOSH:  Well, they probably will.  Everything gets remade eventually.

ALISA:  That’s awesome and depressing at the same time.

JOSH:  It’s like--Okay, I’m getting philosophical now, because some of the drugs are wearing off, but the alcohol is really kicking in--

ALISA:  Don’t fight it.  Just talk.

JOSH:  It’s like how when you get older, you’re like, Wow, look at this life I’ve had.  I’ve had such a life.  But it also makes you sad because the more you live the less of a life you have to live.  Like, more’s behind you, you know?  And right now, for us, it’s like--we’re not old enough to be wise, but we’re not young enough to be young, so we’re just...Here.  You know?  It’s like, fucking--the Canadian Hilton and--Oh my god, when do we have to be there?

ALISA:  In an hour.  But I think it’s safe to say you’re going to be late.

JOSH:  Fuck yeah, I am.

(She puts her arm around him.)

ALISA:  So, they’ll wait.  What--are they going to do the show without us?

(A moment.)

JOSH:  I guess not.

ALISA:  Like I said, they’ll wait.

JOSH:  Yeah.  They’ll wait.

(They look at each other.  Blackout.)