The Roundhouse Reboot

                (A conference room.  ELLEN is sitting at a table with BRYAN, ZOOEY, and MIKE.)

ZOOEY:  Ellen, we are so excited that you’ve signed on for this.  It’s a project we’re really passionate about.

ELLEN:  I’m just glad you asked me.  Roundhouse was one of my favorite shows when I was a kid.  This is a dream come true.

BRYAN:  Awww, we love hearing that.

MIKE:  We do.  We really do.

ELLEN:  Do you mind if I dive right in?  I have so many ideas for this reboot.

ZOOEY:  Please, go right ahead!

ELLEN:  So my idea is—we take each original episode, look at the theme for that episode, and explore how kids are dealing with issues from twenty years ago today.  You know, kind of make the point that on some of these problems, things haven’t changed all that much.

BRYAN:  Ellen, I gotta tell you—I have goosebumps right now.

ZOOEY:  Oh, me too.

MIKE:  My skin looks like cold chicken.

ELLEN:  That’s great.  I’m so relieved.

ZOOEY:  Relieved?

ELLEN:  Well, you know, sometimes with these meetings, you come in with these big plans, and then the business types shoot you down.

ZOOEY:  Oh, we’re not like that.

BRYAN:  Not at all.  Don’t forget.  We’re Nickelodeon.  We’re fun.  We’re all fun.

MIKE:  I’m drunk and it’s not even lunch yet.

ELLEN:  God, I might never want to leave!

                (They ALL laugh.)

ZOOEY:  So have you figured out which topics you might want to address?

ELLEN:  Yeah, like I said, I just went through some of the older episodes, and took ideas from them.  Like, there’s this one about puberty—

                (ZOOEY, BRYAN, and MIKE all burst out laughing.)

ELLEN:  --Is something?

ZOOEY:  I’m sorry, Ellen, it’s just—puberty—

ELLEN:  Don’t tell me you’re scared to talk about puberty?

ZOOEY:  Oh God no.

BRYAN:  Noooo.

MIKE:  My estranged daughter’s going through puberty right now.

ZOOEY:  We were just hoping to, you know, push the envelope a little bit more.

ELLEN:  Oh!  Uh—Wow, okay.  That’s—so like, you want to get into…more…?

ZOOEY:  You know, it’s just—if you’re going to do sex, just do sex.

ELLEN:  Wow.  Nickelodeon’s changed a lot since I was a kid.

                (ALL laugh, ELLEN a little more cautiously than the other three.)

ZOOEY:  It’s not 1995 anymore, right?

BRYAN:  Gotta keep up with the times.

MIKE:  I just bought a car that comes with a blender.

ELLEN:  So when you say ‘sexuality—‘

ZOOEY:  I mean, just don’t be afraid, you know?  Take it to the limit.

BRYAN:  To the limit.

MIKE:  To the fire.  To the window.  To the wall.

ELLEN:  Like—

ZOOEY:  Okay, here’s an idea—

BRYAN:  I got one too.

ZOOEY:  Do you want to--?

BRYAN:  No, no, go ahead.

ZOOEY:  Okay, so—

                (A beat.)

                Handjobs.

                (A moment.)

ELLEN:  Handjobs?

ZOOEY:  Handjobs.

BRYAN:  I love that.

MIKE:  Love handjobs.

ELLEN:  So you want…Roundhouse…to do…handjobs?

ZOOEY:  I think it’s time.  I think it’s time somebody tackled handjobs.

ELLEN:  On Nickelodeon?

ZOOEY:  Yes.

BRYAN:  Yes.

MIKE:  Absolutely.

ELLEN:  Um…but we wouldn’t…Okay.  So…would we…show--?

ZOOEY:  (Over-lapping.)  No!

BRYAN:  (Over-lapping.)  Oh no!

MIKE:  (Over-lapping.)  Don’t be a fool, Ellen.

ZOOEY:  But we would, you know, talk about that.

ELLEN:  Oh, so you’re saying, we would talk to kids about how they should wait before they engage in, uh—stuff like that?

ZOOEY:  Aaaaaactually, I was thinking more like—Okay, so, obviously I don’t want to tell you how you’d do this, because I don’t want to, like, step on your—

ELLEN:  No, please, go right ahead.  Art should be, you know, lots of people should do stuff with it.

BRYAN:  Collaborate?

ELLEN:  Exactly.  We should definitely collaborate.

MIKE:  Collaborating on the handjob.

ZOOEY:  So my idea is—the show opens with one of the characters being like ‘Oh my God, did you guys hear that Lindsey gave Jack a handjob in the stairwell after AP English?  What a slut, right?’

                (A beat.)

ELLEN:  And then, there’s a whole discussion about slut-shaming and a deeper exploration of why kids are having sex so young?

                (A second.)

ZOOEY:  No, I was just thinking we could just have everybody talking about the handjob for the rest of the show.  Like—how long did it take—

BRYAN:  Did she have good technique?

MIKE:  Did anybody film it?

ELLEN:  But aren’t we going to address the fact that teenagers should not be giving handjobs?

BRYAN:  Well now who’s slut-shaming Ellen?

ELLEN:  Or at least talk about sex education?

ZOOEY:  Ooohhhh, the ‘E’ word!

                (ZOOEY, BRYAN, and MIKE all make spooky, ghost sounds.)

ZOOEY:  Careful there, Ellen!  This is entertainment after all.

ELLEN:  But it can’t be entertaining and educational at the same time?

ZOOEY:  I mean, it can be both, it should just be, like, ninety-eight percent entertainment and like…point five perfect educational.

ELLEN:  You know that doesn’t equal a hundred percent, right?

BRYAN:  Maybe we should do an episode about math.

                (ZOOEY, BRYAN, and MIKE all laugh.  ELLEN does not.)

ELLEN:  I don’t know if I’m comfortable with this.

ZOOEY:  Well, it’s just an idea, Ellen.

BRYAN:  We’re just spit-balling.

MIKE:  Yes, but also—how many handjobs do we think Lindsey’s given?

ZOOEY:  There’s plenty of stuff you could do.  Addiction—

ELLEN:  Oh, addiction!  That’s a great idea!  I’m much more comfortable with that.

                (ZOOEY reaches across the table and tenderly puts her hand on ELLEN’s hand.)

ZOOEY:  Ellen, is there something you want to tell us?

ELLEN:  Oh, I’m not an addict.

                (ZOOEY pulls her hand back.)

ZOOEY:  Damn, I was really hoping you had some oxi on you.

BRYAN:  I have some back at my desk.

MIKE:  I crushed some up and put it in my coffee.

                (Murmurs of agreement among ZOOEY, BRYAN, and MIKE about what a good idea that is.)

ELLEN:  Well, hopefully we wouldn’t be encouraging addiction—

ZOOEY:  (Over-lapping.)  Oh God, no.

BRYAN:  (Over-lapping.)  Noooo.

MIKE:  (Over-lapping.)  Why do you sound like such a moron, Ellen?

ZOOEY:  My idea is—someone, I don’t know, let’s use Lindsey again—

MIKE:  Lindsey’s such a mess.

ZOOEY:  So Lindsey is on meth.

ELLEN:  Meth, wow, okay—that’s—

ZOOEY:  It’s a lot right?  Maybe we should do Molly?

BRYAN:  Is Molly still cool though?  I think meth is still in, but I don’t know about Molly.

MIKE:  Lindsey would only do the newest shit.

ELLEN:  I—

ZOOEY:  Well, maybe we make up a new drug, and everybody’s like—‘Ohhhh, did you hear that Lindsey’s doing this new drug in the stairwell?  What a fucking loser she is, huh?’

                (A beat.)

ELLEN:  And then it turns into an episode about compassion and how awful gossip is?

                (A moment.  ZOOEY, BRYAN, and MIKE all look at each other.  A beat.  They laugh.)

ZOOEY:  No!

BRYAN:  Noooo.

MIKE:  Were you just talking pythonese or something?

ELLEN:  So the whole episode would just be—

ZOOEY:  Like, Lindsey walking around, being a dumpster fire.

BRYAN:  A back-up Port-a-potty.

MIKE:  That thing where the dead whale’s ass explodes all over the Portuguese fisherman.

ELLEN:  But does anybody get her help?

MIKE:  Why would we get Lindsey help?  She’s a dumb bitch.

ZOOEY:  Now, I guess she could get help—

MIKE:  Before or after she gives Jack another handy-j behind the bleachers?

                (ELLEN stands up.)

ELLEN:  You know, I don’t think this is going to work.

ZOOEY:  (Over-lapping.)  What?

BRYAN:  (Over-lapping.)  Are you kidding?

MIKE:  (Over-lapping.)  But I love you, Ellen.

ZOOEY:  Are we making you feel too constrained?

BRYAN:  Are we coming across too conservative?

MIKE:  You can punch me in the face right now if you want.

ELLEN:  I just don’t think we should be putting stuff like handjobs and meth on shows for children!

ZOOEY:  Ellen, we’re living in a new world.  A new age.  These kids are facing real problems.  They need to see that reflected in the programs they watch.

ELLEN:  Yes, but then we need to help them with their problems.  Not just exploit them!

BRYAN:  But they don’t want to be preached to.

MIKE:  If you were a channel, Ellen, I’d be changing you right now.

ELLEN:  Why do episodes about this stuff if you’re not going to try and find something insightful to say about it?  Why not just do episodes about playing on the soccer team and going on field trips?

ZOOEY:  Because even though we want people to watch our show, we also really want an Emmy.

BRYAN:  We want an Emmy bad, Ellen.

MIKE:  I’d sell my estranged, puberty-stricken daughter for an Emmy.

ELLEN:  Well, I don’t make shows just to win awards or get great ratings.  If I did, I’d already be working in television instead of giving acting classes in the back of a gay bookstore in WeHo.

ZOOEY:  Look, Ellen, we really want this to work.

BRYAN:  You should totally feel free to do whatever you want.

ELLEN:  Really?

ZOOEY:  Yes!

BRYAN:  Of course!

                (A beat.)

MIKE:  As long as at least one episode is about kegstands.

ELLEN:  I’m leaving.

ZOOEY:  (Over-lapping.)  Ellen!

BRYAN:  (Over-lapping.)  Wait!

MIKE:  (Over-lapping.)  What?  What’d I say?

                (But ELLEN has left.)

ZOOEY:  It’s so upsetting that see how many people are still trapped in the limitations of the past.

BRYAN:  I know.

MIKE:  Are we still planning on rebooting The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo where she’s hunting a serial killer who’s targeting prostitutes?

ZOOEY:  Yeah, that’s our next meeting.

MIKE:  Man, I have some awesome ideas for that.

                (Lights.  End of play.)