Keenan and Kel for Fifteen Minutes

                (KEENAN and KEL are sitting in a coffee shop.)

KEL:  Keenan—

KEENAN:  Don’t say it, Kel.

KEL:  I’m here because I love you.

KEENAN:  And because you need money.

KEL:  Hey!  (A beat.)  I mean, I do need money, but that’s not the only reason I’m here.

KEENAN:  If you want money, I’ll give it to you, but remember where the money is coming from.

KEL:  It’s coming from you.  Where else would it be coming from?

KEENAN:  No, I mean, remember how I’m getting the money.

KEL:  I’m confused.

KEENAN:  The job I do.

KEL:  Oh right, now I remember why I’m here.

KEENAN:  Kel—

KEL:  You need to quit SNL.

KEENAN:  Kel…

KEL:  It’s embarrassing.  You’re like Darrell Hammond.

KEENAN:  Hey, come on now.  I know Darrell Hammond!

KEL:  Because he won’t leave SNL!

KEENAN:  He left!  He just…came back—

KEL:  Oh my God.

KEENAN:  As an announcer!  He’s the announcer!  …And probably Bill Clinton if Hillary wins.

KEL:  People are making fun of you.

KEENAN:  What people?

KEL:  I just saw Josh at the reunion—

KEENAN:  At the All That reunion?

KEL:  Yeah, and—

KEENAN:  People were making fun of me at the ALL THAT REUNION?

KEL:  Yes, but—

KEENAN:  Fuck them.

KEL:  Keenan—

KEENAN:  Are any of them working?

KEL:  Yes.

KEENAN:  In show business?

KEL:  Oh!  No.  None of them.

KEENAN:  There you go.

KEL:  Would you really call what you’re doing now ‘work?’

KEENAN:  In that I show up somewhere, do something, and get paid for it—Yes, I would call it work.

KEL:  Your definition is so narrow.

KEENAN:  Look, I know you don’t have any respect for what I do, Kel—

KEL:  Keenan, you used to be an artist.

KEENAN:  I was never an artist.

KEL:  You were.

KEENAN:  Kel—

KEL:  You were!

KEENAN:  We made ‘Good Burger,’ Kel.  Not ‘Gangs of New York.’

KEL:  ‘Good Burger’ was a subtle jab at the obesity problem in America.

KEENAN:  No, it wasn’t.  It was about hamburgers.

KEL:  You never dug deep enough, Keenan.  That was always your problem.

KEENAN:  How much?

KEL:  What?

KEENAN:  How much money do you need?

KEL:  I changed my mind.  I don’t want your money.

KEENAN:  Don’t ask me for money then turn me down and then call up Amanda looking for it.  She doesn’t have it to give to you.

KEL:  What happens between me and Amanda is between me and Amanda.

KEENAN:  She’s broke, Kel.

KEL:  She’s not broke.  She has Hairspray money.

KEENAN:  Hairspray was ten years ago.

KEL:  Was it?  Oh my God.

KEENAN:  If you want money, take it from me.  I have it.

KEL:  You can’t have that much.

KEENAN:  Some of us know how to save.

KEL:  It’s not that I didn’t save—

KEENAN:  Oh, I don’t want to get into this.

KEL:  It’s not that I didn’t save.  It’s just that I was financially misadvised.

KEENAN:  By who?

KEL:  Lori Beth.

KEENAN:  I can’t believe you took stock tips from Lori Beth.

KEL:  She sounded like she knew what she was talking about.

KEENAN:  Kel, let me ask you something.  When Lori Beth would do Vital Information, would you listen and actually take the Vital Information as if it were real information?

KEL:  You don’t need to get snarky about it, okay?

KEENAN:  You know, you and the rest of those people—

KEL:  --Those people?

KEENAN:  The All That people.  You all say I’m pathetic—

KEL:  Nobody was calling you pathetic.

KEENAN:  (Over-lappinp.)  When really—

KEL:  (Over-lapping.)  Nobody was calling you—

KEENAN:  (Over-lapping.)  When really, I’m part of the culture, and the rest of you are stuck in some thirty-year-old’s lost childhood.

                (A beat.)

KEL:  I’m really mad at you right now, but I’m not going to lie, that was deep.

KEENAN:  I’ve been working on a book.

KEL:  A book?

KEENAN:  Yeah, I’m writing a book.

KEL:  You got a publishing deal?

KEENAN:  No.

KEL:  Oh.

KEENAN:  So?

KEL:  Nothing, it’s just—so you’re writing a book.

KEENAN:  Maybe I’ll write it and then I’ll get a deal.

KEL:  Yeah, okay, I just—What’s the book about?

KEENAN:  My life.  It’s going to be like that book that kid Pete wrote.

KEL:  You mean an autobiography?

KEENAN:  Yeah.

KEL:  So wait—am I in the book?

KEENAN:  Yeah.

KEL:  Really, Keenan?

KEENAN:  Kel, we spent, like, our entire teenage years together.  People confuse me for you all the time.

KEL:  Yeah, but that’s just racism.

KEENAN:  I know, but—

KEL:  You should really correct them when they do that.

KEENAN:  The point is, you’re a big part of my life.  That’s why I wish you wouldn’t shit all over me about, you know, my career and stuff.

KEL:  I just think you can do better.

KEENAN:  I think you can do better too, but at least—

                (He stops himself.)

KEL:  But at least you’re doing something.

KEENAN:  I know you’ve been trying to—

KEL:  It’s all right.  Don’t backpedal now.

KEENAN:  You know, I could get you a meeting with Lorne.

KEL:  Fuck Lorne.

KEENAN:  Kel—

KEL:  He’s not going to put you and me on the same show together.

KEENAN:  Why not?  That’d be great publicity.

KEL:  Keenan, I’ve accepted the fact that you’re going to be the successful one of the two of us, okay?  I’ve been preparing for that my whole life.

KEENAN:  Oh, don’t give me that.

KEL:  It’s—

KEENAN:  Like you weren’t always the star?  Like I wasn’t always the straight man letting all your jokes land on me?

KEL:  I was a goofball.

KEENAN:  And when we were coming up, that’s what people wanted, and now that people want something more nuanced—

KEL:  Nuanced?  You think SNL is nuanced?

KEENAN:  I—

KEL:  You playing Al Sharpton for the eight THOUSANDTH time is NUANCED?

KEENAN:  Okay, we’re now getting close to saying some stuff I don’t think we want to be saying.

KEL:  Do you respect me as an artist?

KEENAN:  No.

KEL:  Keenan!

KEENAN:  YOU’RE NOT AN ARTIST!  You have to make ART to be an ARTIST!  You have to make SOMETHING!  You can’t just say ‘I’m an artist.’  That’d be like me saying ‘I’m a brain surgeon!’

KEL:  You’re so hateful, man.

KEENAN:  Kel—

KEL:  You’re just full of hate.

KEENAN:  How much money do you need?

KEL:  I’m not taking your money.

KEENAN:  Kel—

KEL:  Fuck you and fuck Lorne Michaels and fuck SNL and fuck that guy who does Weekend Update, he’s not even fucking funny.

KEENAN:  Hey, Michael’s my friend!

KEL:  Not Michael—the other guy.

KEENAN:  Oh Colin?  Yeah, he sucks.

KEL:  He really sucks.

KEENAN:  Nobody gets it.

                (A beat.)

Just tell me how much you need.

KEL:  Thirty-seven dollars.

KEENAN:  Thirty-seven bucks?

KEL:  Well, thirty-eight if you have it.  I need thirty-seven dollars and forty-five cents, but I didn’t think you’d have change on you.

KEENAN:  That’s it?

KEL:  Yeah, I’m just a little short on rent this month.

KEENAN:  Usually you need, you know, all the rent, for like, six months.

KEL:  I got a job.

KEENAN:  You did?

KEL:  Yeah, I’m...

KEENAN:  Dude, if you’re working at Wendy’s, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

KEL:  Uh—try the new Scorsese show, dude.

KEENAN:  What?

KEL:  Yeah.

KEENAN:  The HBO one?

KEL:  Yeah.

KEENAN:  But I went out for that show.

KEL:  I know, that’s why I didn’t want to—

KEENAN:  But then why am I giving you money?

KEL:  My first check hasn’t come in yet, and I need to pay my rent so—

KEENAN:  FUCK YOU!

KEL:  Keenan—

KEENAN:  I auditioned for that role six times!

KEL:  I auditioned too!

KEENAN:  Six times?

KEL:  Oh God, no.  Just once.

KEENAN:  Once?

KEL:  I guess you auditioned a bunch of times, and then I auditioned, and they were like ‘Oh yeah, he’s what we’re looking for.’

KEENAN:  I’m going to kill you!

KEL:  I didn’t give myself the role, Keenan!  You didn’t even tell me you were going out for it!

KEENAN:  Because I’m superstitious!  You know that!

KEL:  I’m sorry!

KEENAN:  That was going to be what got me off SNL!

KEL:  You can still quit SNL!

KEENAN:  To do what?  Host a gameshow on Lifetime?!?

KEL:  Do you want me to give up the role?

KEENAN:  Don’t be an idiot.  If you give up the role, they’ll probably just give it to Corbin Bleu.

KEL:  The kid from High School Musical?

KEENAN:  He read right after me.  I thought he’d be taking the role from me.  Not my best friend.

KEL:  I’m sorry, man.

KEENAN:  It’s cool.

                (A beat.)

KEL:  Can I still have the thirty-eight bucks?

KEENAN:  (Groans.)  Fine.  But you’re paying me back.

KEL:  Cool.

                (KEENAN takes out a checkbook and writes KEL a check.)

KEL:  I’m going to make you proud of me.

KEENAN:  What do you mean?

KEL:  You know, like, with the show—the role.  I want to make you proud.

KEENAN:  Kel, I’m not your Daddy.

KEL:  No, but you’re my friend, and I know I’m kind of always, you know, screwing up and stuff, so—I wanted to show you that I, uh, you know, that I could take care of myself.  That you didn’t have to worry about me.

KEENAN:  I’m always going to worry about you.  It doesn’t matter if you’re on some fancy HBO show or if you win an EmmyohmygodifyouwinanEmmyIllkillyou.

                (KEL laughs.)

You’re my family.  You know that.

                (He hands him the check.)

KEL:  Was it cool?  The first time you got to say ‘Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!’  Was it cool?

KEENAN:  Yeah.  It was really cool.

KEL:  Not everybody gets to do that, you know.  Not everybody’s that lucky.

KEENAN:  Yeah.  You’re right about that.

                (Lights.)