Angelica in Labor

                (A hospital room.  ANGELICA is in labor.  TOM is holding her hand.)

ANGELICA:  I’m going to kill him.

TOM:  Angelica, he tried really hard to be here.

ANGELICA:  HE’S GOING TO MISS THIS STUPID BABY BEING BORN!

TOM:  You’re delivering a week early.

ANGELICA:  Oh, so it’s my fault?

TOM:  No, but—

                (LIL enters.)

LIL:  How’s she doing?

ANGELICA:  Should you even be here?

LIL:  You’re my sister-in-law.  I’m family.

ANGELICA:  Unfortunately.

TOM:  She’s been really on edge.

LIL:  How can you tell?

ANGELICA:  I’m not ready to be a mother.

LIL:  You probably should have thought of that nine months ago.

ANGELICA:  Your stupid brother is the one who did this to me.

LIL:  Well, that’s what husbands do, Angelica.  At least, that’s what I hear.

TOM:  Is Susie here?

LIL:  She’s parking the car.

ANGELICA:  I don’t want her in here.

LIL:  What do you have against Susie?

ANGELICA:  The same thing I have against you.

LIL:  You have something against me?

TOM:  Angelica, you should rest.

ANGELICA:  Shut up, Tom.

LIL:  If you think I won’t hit a woman in labor, you’re sorely mistaken Angelica.

TOM:  Wait until you find out what she’s upset about before you do anything rash.

ANGELICA:  You stole my baby name.

TOM:  Okay fine, hit her.

LIL:  Are you still going on about that?

ANGELICA:  It was MY name!

TOM:  What if you have a son?  Then it won’t even matter!

ANGELICA:  I’m not having a son.

LIL:  Did you find out the sex?

ANGELICA:  No.

LIL:  Then how—

ANGELICA:  BECAUSE I WILLED MYSELF TO HAVE A GIRL!

TOM:  She might need more drugs.

LIL:  More—or less?

TOM:  It’s hard to say.

ANGELICA:  I’m not on any drugs.

TOM/LIL:  More.  Lots more./Definitely more.

ANGELICA:  Now what am I going to name this baby?

LIL:  Why don’t you name it Angelica 2: The Curse Continues?

ANGELICA:  You’re so lucky I can’t get out of this bed right now.

LIL:  Look, why don’t you just name your baby the same thing Susie and I named ours, that way—

ANGELICA:  You can’t have two babies named CLARISSA!

LIL:  I’m pretty sure there’s more than one Clarissa in the world, Angelica.

TOM:  I was thinking of naming my baby Clarissa.

                (ANGELICA grabs him by the throat.)

                Kidding—just kidding.

                (She lets him go.)

ANGELICA:  This whole thing is ruined.

LIL:  Angelica, labor isn’t supposed to be fun.  Not that I would know.

ANGELICA:  I don’t just mean labor.  I mean, the whole thing.  Parenting.  It sucks.

LIL:  You haven’t even parented yet.  The kid isn’t even here.

ANGELICA:  She’s going to be a disaster.  A disaster with a second-rate name.

TOM:  Why don’t you name her Charlotte?

ANGELICA:  Charlotte?  You want me to name my baby Charlotte?

LIL:  What’s wrong with Charlotte?

ANGELICA:  It’s my mother’s name.

LIL:  Oh, right.

ANGELICA:  I’d probably have to get her a little cell phone right after they cut the cord.

LIL:  You could name her after me.

ANGELICA:  Oh, fuck off.

LIL:  I probably should have expected that.

ANGELICA:  I should have had children earlier.

TOM:  You’re only twenty-six.

ANGELICA:  I wanted to be done raising this thing by the time I was thirty.  That way, all my best years would be in front of me.

LIL:  Well, maybe you and Phil should have realized you were perfect for each other a lot sooner then.

TOM:  Gross.

LIL:  I was kidding.

ANGELICA:  We should’ve just gotten a dog.  They love you unconditionally even when you’re mean to them.  It takes years of being cruel to a child before that kind of psychological manipulation takes hold.

                (CHARLES enters.)

CHARLES:  How’s my favorite patient?

ANGELICA:  It feels like my worst enemy just moved into my uterus.

CHARLES:  Sounds about right.

TOM:  Can you give her something to knock her out?

LIL:  Or can you give us something we can knock her out with?  A sledgehammer, maybe?

CHARLES:  Oh, come on, you guys.  It’s totally normal for a woman in labor to be a little cranky.

ANGELICA:  You’re such an idiot, Chuckie.

CHARLES:  Angelica, I’d really like it if you called me Dr. Charles.

ANGELICA:  And I’d like to go back in time and hand your father a condom!

CHARLES:  Maybe we can knock you out.

TOM and LIL:  Thank you.

CHARLES:  It’s looking like we might have to do a C-section anyway.

ANGELICA:  What?

CHARLES:  There’s a position that’s making me uncomfortable.

TOM:  I just said that to my wife last night.

                (ANGELICA grabs his ear.)

                Sorry, not helping.  Not helping.

CHARLES:  The baby’s situated in a way that makes me think a C-section might be our best bet.

ANGELICA:  But that’s not in my birth plan.

CHARLES:  Well, plans change.

ANGELICA:  Just because your plans changed when you wanted to go to a decent med school and ended up at Bombay U instead, but my BIRTH PLAN is STAYING the SAME!

                (She throws a bedpan at CHARLES.)

CHARLES:  You know, I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but I’m really going to enjoy cutting into you.

LIL:  Can I watch?  Please?  Will there be a lot of pain?

ANGELICA:  I’m going to destroy all of you when this is over.

TOM:  I didn’t even do anything!

ANGELICA:  You said my mother’s name.  Now this whole day is cursed.

LIL:  You’re being insane.

ANGELICA:  I’M CURSED!

CHARLES:  I knew we should have tied her to the bed.

                (SUSIE enters.)

SUSIE:  So am I an auntie yet?

ANGELICA:  Not unless your parents adopt somebody with children!

SUSIE:  Oh, come on, Angelica.  We’ve known each other a long time.  I’m practically family.

LIL:  You are family.

ANGELICA:  Why does everybody toss that word around?  Family, family.  Family doesn’t steal from you!

SUSIE:  Who stole something from you?

ANGELICA:  You and Judas over here stole my baby name.

SUSIE:  Listen, I liked Clarissa Explains It All just as much as you did, Angelica.

ANGELICA:  Clarissa Explains It All…was my favorite…show…of all time…and Clarissa…was…

TOM:  Is she having contractions?

CHARLES:  No, I think it’s just a rage-stroke.

ANGELICA:  …My…favorite…name.  And you…STOLE IT!

SUSIE:  You can’t steal a name.  You didn’t invent it.  You don’t own it.  And you need to get over it!

                (ANGELICA lunges at SUSIE.  There’s pandemonium.  CHARLES calls for a nurse.  LIL holds back SUSIE, TOM tries to contain ANGELICA.  Finally, TOM screams.)

TOM:  Enough!

                (A beat.)

                Angelica, you have got to calm down.  It’s not good for the baby for you to be this upset.

CHARLES:  Actually, studies have found that stress during labor—

TOM:  Shut up, Chuckie!

CHARLES:  Okay.

TOM:  Sorry.  I mean—Dr. Charles.

CHARLES:  It’s okay, Tommy.

LIL:  Angelica, we don’t even call the baby Clarissa.  She has a nickname.

SUSIE:  That’s right.  We usually just call her Tugboat.

ANGELICA:  Tugboat?  TUGBOAT?  What kind of stupid nickname is that?

LIL:  She likes tugboats.

ANGELICA:  What do you take her to the docks to watch the sailors come in?

SUSIE:  You really are a horrible person.

ANGELICA:  Wave to the nice men, honey.  Before your Mom became a lesbian, she was here alllllll the time.

                (SUSIE screams and lunges for ANGELICA.  More pandemonium.  This time CHARLES yells.)

CHARLES:  Guys!  Please!  We’re going to get in trouble!

ANGELICA:  Grow a set, Finster.

CHARLES:  Why did I agree to be your doctor?

ANGELICA:  Because I don’t want some pervy stranger looking at my private parts!

CHARLES:  Oh God, I forgot I was going to have to do that.

LIL:  Godspeed, Charles.

SUSIE:  Where’s Phil?

ANGELICA:  I HOPE HE’S DEAD!

LIL:  Then you’ll be a single mother.

ANGELICA:  I’m giving this baby to the circus.

SUSIE:  Welp, that settles that.  Anybody want to get a pizza?

                (PHIL rushes in.)

PHIL:  Angelica!

ANGELICA:  Phil!  Thank God!

LIL:  You just said you wished he was dead.

PHIL:  That’s just how she talks.  She doesn’t mean it.

TOM:  Can you hold her hand now?  I think she broke a few of my fingers.

PHIL:  How are things looking, Dr. Charles?

CHARLES:  We’re going to have to do a C-section.

PHIL:  If that’s what you think is best—

ANGELICA:  I’m not getting a C-Section.

PHIL:  Honey, you have to trust your doctor.

ANGELICA:  He had freckles until last year.  That’s God’s way of telling us he’s a moron.

LIL:  Annnnnnnd she’s back.

PHIL:  Has she been in a bad mood?

SUSIE:  No, she’s been delightful.  It’s been like an evening with Audrey Hepburn.

ANGELICA:  The lesbians stole our name, Phil.

PHIL:  You mean my sister and her wife?

ANGELICA:  THE TERRIBLE LESBIANS TOOK OUR BABY NAME!

PHIL:  Angelheart, we talked about this.  There are other names.

ANGELICA:  There are.  No.  Other.  NAMES!

                (A beat.)

TOM:  What about Cynthia?

                (Pause.)

ANGELICA:  Cynthia?

TOM:  Yeah, like that doll you used to have.

LIL:  Oh right, Cynthia.

SUSIE:  The one with the Mohawk?

CHARLES:  That doll was covered in filth.

ANGELICA:  I loved her so much.  Cynthia.

LIL:  I think Tom might be onto something.

ANGELICA:  That’s the perfect name.

SUSIE:  Thank God.

ANGELICA:  Phil?  Is that--?

PHIL:  Whatever you want, Sweetheart.

CHARLES:  Smart man.

LIL:  If he was smart, he wouldn’t have married her in the—

SUSIE:  Quit while you’re ahead, Lil.

ANGELICA:  Okay, I’m ready.  Let’s do the C-Section.

CHARLES:  Oh, there’s a heart transplant in the OR right now.  We were going to do it in about an—

ANGELICA:  KICK THEM OUT ALREADY!

CHARLES:  Yup, right on it.

                (He exits.)

PHIL:  Just think, honey.  We’re going to have a new baby around.  Won’t that be amazing?

ANGELICA:  I can’t wait.  You know how much I love babies.

                (TOM, LIL, and SUSIE shoot each other a look.  ANGELICA smiles at PHIL.  Lights.)