Salute Your Shortfall

                (EDWARD, NATALIE, DINA, HARRIS, and ROBERT are standing by a lake at nighttime.  A fire burns in the middle of the water.)

DINA:  I can’t believe you guys talked me into this.

ROBERT:  It’s what he wanted, honey.

DINA:  Good thing he didn’t ask to be mummified, or we’d probably be wrapping him in bandages right now.

HARRIS:  Sorry we had to pull you away from your exciting life of screwing over poor people, Dina.

DINA:  Suck my dick, Sponge.

HARRIS:  I told you not to call me—

NATALIE:  (Over-lapping.)  --Guys, please!  A little respect!  A man’s body is burning in the middle of the lake.

EDWARD:  I’m glad I got here when I did.  I didn’t want him to die alone in that creepy cabin.

DINA:  Scared of Zeke the Plumber, Donkeylips?

NATALIE:  Dina!  The nicknames—

DINA:  I never had a nickname.

HARRIS:  That’s because your real name is stupid enough.

ROBERT:  Poor Ug.

NATALIE:  Kevin.  Poor Kevin.

DANIEL:  Do you think he wanted to die here?

EDWARD:  Actually, his last words were—Please don’t let me die here, Donkeylips.

DINA:  Hopefully you didn’t ask him to call you Edward.

EDWARD:  I was about to, but then he died.

HARRIS:  He said he didn’t want to die here, and you didn’t do anything?

NATALIE:  What was he supposed to do?  Carry him somewhere else?

DANIEL:  Is Michael coming?

DINA:  Oh my God, Daniel, enough about Michael.

DANIEL:  I just thought I’d see him.

EDWARD:  Was Michael the brown-haired one?

DANIEL:  No!  That was Pinsky.  He was nothing like Michael.

DINA:  He’s obsessed with Michael.  He even hired a private detective to find him.

HARRIS:  Well, that’s not creepy.

DANIEL:  I just want to make sure he’s okay!

NATALIE:  Did you try Googling him?

HARRIS:  I bet he’d love to try Googling him.

DINA:  That’s enough!  I don’t have to stand here and listen to people I haven’t seen in twenty years insinuate that my husband is gay.  I have the mainstream media for that.

NATALIE:  Well, I think we’ve all done what we came here to do.  Now we can go home.

EDWARD:  Does anybody want to grab a drink?  I flew here from Chicago, so—

DINA:  Jesus, Donkeylips.

NATALIE:  Dina—Oh God, you know what?  Never mind.

HARRIS:  I wonder what’s going to happen to the camp.  Ug is gone.  Dr. Kahn died in that volleyball accident—

DINA:  I wish I had seen him at some point.

HARRIS:  Who runs this place now anyway?

EDWARD:  Ug said there were new owners.

NATALIE:  Really?  Somebody bought this trash heap?

DINA:  Well, they probably don’t want to keep it as a camp.  They’re probably going to turn it into a lakeside resort.

                (A beat.  EVERYONE looks at DINA.)

DINA:  …Or something.

NATALIE:  Dina…did you buy the camp?

DANIEL:  Technically, we bought it.  I pitched in.

DINA:  That was just for tax purposes, sweetheart.

HARRIS:  Are you seriously turning this place into a resort?

DINA:  Well you heard Telly, it’s a dump.

HARRIS:  But it’s our dump!

DINA:  No, it’s my dump.  And I can do with it what I want.

EDWARD:  So why don’t you keep it the way it is?

DINA:  You expect me to run a camp?  For children?

NATALIE:  Dina, if it weren’t for this camp, we wouldn’t even know each other.

DINA:  All the more reason to close it.  Z.Z. still calls me once a year to borrow money so she can go to Coachella.

EDWARD:  You met your husband here!

DANIEL:  Back when I was a renegade.

DINA:  You had a mullet, Daniel.  It’s not like you were riding a motorcycle through a ring of fire.

DANIEL:  Well, maybe I would have if you didn’t neuter me!

                (A beat.)

DINA:  Do I have to get Dr. Bradford on the phone?

DANIEL:  No.

DINA:  Do you want one of your pills?

DANIEL:  No.  (A beat.)  Maybe.

HARRIS:  This is terrifying.

DANIEL:  You should see what happens when Dr. Bradford makes us use the puppets.

HARRIS:  No, I mean, the idea of Dina being in control of Annawanna.

DINA:  Is that really its name?  That can’t be its name?

HARRIS:  This is ridiculous.

DINA:  I know, I mean, is that Indian or something—

NATALIE:  Dina—

DINA:  Sorry, Native American or something—

NATALIE:  You can’t just bulldoze the whole camp.

DINA:  There’s nothing to bulldoze.  It’s a couple of rundown cabins and a volleyball net that has yellow caution tape around it next to a chalk outline of Dr. Kahn’s body.  By the way, was he missing an arm or did he just fall on it?

EDWARD:  Nobody knows?

HARRIS:  This camp may not have meant anything to you, but it meant something to a lot of other people.

DINA:  Then I guess it’s a good thing we have photos and memories, because in six months, it’s going to be The Roundhouse.

EDWARD, NATALIE, and HARRIS:  Huh?

DINA:  The Roundhouse—A Lakeside Resort and Spa.  A place for families to enjoy each other surrounded by the beauty of nature.

DANIEL:  Do I get a discount?

DINA:  Absolutely not.

NATALIE:  Dina, you can’t possibly be as heartless as your voting record on social issues suggests.

DINA:  How is it heartless to take something that nobody likes and turn it into something that very rich people can take pleasure in?

EDWARD:  If all you’re looking to do is turn a profit, why don’t you just sell the camp to me?  I have money.

DINA:  You do?  From what?

NATALIE:  He has the potsticker company.

EDWARD:  Stickies.  They’re called Stickies.

DINA:  And you made money off that?

EDWARD:  Oh God, yes.  Remember—I donated to your campaign last year.

HARRIS:  You donated to campaign?  She ran against a disabled army vet!

EDWARD:  I don’t get involved in politics, Harris.  I just give money to anybody I went to summer camp with—that’s why I bought Z.Z. tickets to Bonaroo last year.

NATALIE:  Is there anybody here who hasn’t given Z.Z. money?

HARRIS:  Dina, I’ll go in with Edward and by the camp off you.

DINA:  You have no money.

HARRIS:  Yes, I do.

DINA:  From what?

HARRIS:  I invested in Stickie’s.

DANIEL:  I told you we needed to get in on that.

DINA:  What about you, Telly?  Do you want to buy the camp off me too?

NATALIE:  I could, I guess.

EDWARD:  Where’d you get your money from?

NATALIE:  I worked hard and saved.

ALL, but NATALIE:  Ohhhh…

NATALIE:  Just kidding.  I married some old guy.

                (They ALL laugh.)

NATALIE:  But sure, yeah, I’ll invest.

DANIEL:  I can invest too.

DINA:  Daniel, are you even paying attention?

DANIEL:  I just got caught up in the moment.

DINA:  Fine.  You can buy the camp off me.  But I’m charging the three of you twice what I paid for it, and I want a stake in it from now on.

HARRIS:  I can’t believe you caved.

DINA:  Well, truth be told, I doubt anybody would want to go to a resort and spa next to a toxic waste dump.

                (They all murmur in agreement.  Just then, MICHAEL bursts onto the scene.)

MICHAEL:  Did I miss it?

                (ALL gasp.)

DANIEL:  Michael.

MICHAEL:  Budnik.

DINA:  It’s actually—

                (But before she can finish, MICHAEL and DANIEL share a passionate kiss.)

DINA:  Okay, he might be gay.

EDWARD:  Guys, the funeral pyre just came apart.

                (They all watch as the pyre splits up and sinks into the lake.)

NATALIE:  Well, the good news is, the lake was already pretty polluted.

HARRIS:  Rest in peace, Ug.

ALL:  Rest in peace.

                (Lights.)