The Disappointed World of Alex Mack

                (ALEX and STEVE are sitting across from each other at a Starbucks.)

ALEX:  I just don’t understand Steve.

STEVE:  Alex, we’re just not sure how we can use you.

ALEX:  What are you talking about?  I’m a goddamn superhero!

STEVE:  Welllllllllllll let’s not go crazy here.

ALEX:  Steven, I can turn myself into a puddle.

STEVE:  Yeah, and I really don’t get how that’s going to help us.

ALEX:  I can shoot electricity from my fingers.

STEVE:  Occasionally, but whenever you do, you start glowing first.  You’re incapable of harnessing the power of surprise.

ALEX:  Telekinesis?

STEVE:  We have, like, six people who can do that.

ALEX:  So I can’t be in The Avengers?

STEVE:  Alex, you don’t want to be The Avengers.  It’s not a fun life.

ALEX:  And you think mine is?

STEVE:  Please lower your voice.

ALEX:  AND YOU THINK MINE IS?

STEVE:  I forgot that you hate being told to lower your voice.

ALEX:  I am a barista, Steve.

STEVE:  That’s a perfectly noble profession.

ALEX:  I.  Have.  Skills.

STEVE:  But clearly getting a coffee order right isn’t one of them.  This is not what I asked for.

ALEX:  Are you trying to be funny?

STEVE:  No, that’s actually Tony’s thing.

ALEX:  I’m sick of being a nobody.

STEVE:  Then become a somebody.  But you can’t just snap your fingers and become an Avenger.  It doesn’t work that way.

ALEX:  Is there some sort of membership fee I have to pay?  Some kind of bizarre hazing ritual?

STEVE:  You don’t even have a superhero name.  You’re just Alex Mack.

ALEX:  I’m Alex Mack because I don’t have anybody else to be!

STEVE:  We’re going in circles here.

ALEX:  Do you even care that I’m a deeply depressed person?  Does it bother you that I’m financially destitute?

STEVE:  And how will joining the Avengers solve that?

ALEX:  I’ll make money!

STEVE:  We don’t make any money.

ALEX:  What are you talking about?  You must make money.  How else would you live?

STEVE:  Well—they—I don’t know.  It’s very complicated.  But it’s not like I pick up a check once a week.

ALEX:  Do you have a 401K?

STEVE:  I’m uncomfortable talking about this!

ALEX:  You are such a wimp.

STEVE:  Excuse me?

ALEX:  Is this about you and me?

STEVE:  What?

ALEX:  About us.  About what happened in Fresno.

STEVE:  Alex, don’t do this.

ALEX:  You’re jealous of me, aren’t you?

STEVE:  Jealous of you?  I’m Captain America!

ALEX:  But you can’t turn into a puddle!

STEVE:  NOBODY WANTS TO TURN INTO A PUDDLE!

ALEX:  Lower your voice, Steve.

STEVE:  Alex—

ALEX:  So you don’t want me on the team.

STEVE:  I don’t care if you’re on the team.  The team is going to have eighty-seven people on it eventually.  It doesn’t matter to me.

ALEX:  So who doesn’t want me on it then?  Black Witch?  Red Widow?

STEVE:  Do you even read comic books?

ALEX:  What is the objection here?  I’ve had these powers for decades!  Let me put them to good use!

STEVE:  Alex, if you want to fight crime on your own, go right ahead.  Lots of people do that.  The blind guy.  The angry girl.  That ninja with the cool name—

ALEX:  I want to be a part of something.

STEVE:  So get a little team together.  What about those kids who can teleport?

ALEX:  The Tomorrow People?  I don’t want to hang out with them!  They’re Canadian for godsakes.

STEVE:  Are they?  God, there are so many Canadians.

ALEX:  There’s way too many Canadians.

STEVE:  I wish I could help, but my hands are tied.

ALEX:  I just don’t believe that.

STEVE:  Alex, just because I lead the team, that doesn’t mean I get to have all the say.  There’s an administration.  There’s a bureaucracy.  There always is.

ALEX:  So let me make my case.

STEVE:  They just don’t think you’re…marketable enough.

ALEX:  What does marketing have to do with it?

STEVE:  Marketing has everything to do with everything, Alex.  We have action figures based on us.  You don’t even have a cape.

ALEX:  I could get a cape.

STEVE:  Oh my God, you would look so stupid with a cape.

ALEX:  Hey!

STEVE:  It’s not you, it’s just that not everybody can pull off a cape.  Hawkeye tried wearing a cape for, like, a second, and we were like, ‘Oh my God, Hawkeye, take off that cape.  You look so stupid.’

ALEX:  Oh.

STEVE:  We still tease him about it.

ALEX:  I guess it’s a done deal then.

STEVE:  I’m sure there’s some other organization you can be a part of, Alex.

ALEX:  Do you think I could be an X-man?

STEVE:  Mmmm  I’m not allowed to admit that they exist, so—

ALEX:  But they do—

STEVE:  I really can’t talk about it, Alex.

ALEX:  They’re definitely—

STEVE:  I really can’t, you know, comment, or—

ALEX:  But—

STEVE:  I just can’t.

ALEX:  Steve—

STEVE:  Alex, I can’t.

ALEX:  Okay, fine.  Well, it was nice seeing you at least.

STEVE:  Really?

ALEX:  No, I hate you.

STEVE:  That seems fair.  I really am sorry about all this.

ALEX:  It’s just so easy for you.  You know what you’re going to do for the rest of your life.  You get to be a hero.  I just have to stand by on the sidelines and watch.

STEVE:  You want to know a secret, Alex?

ALEX:  Sure.

STEVE:  Sometimes I miss the sidelines.

                (He gets up and walks out.  ALEX just sits.  Lights.)