Happy Happy

                (A sound studio.  MARK is talking on his cell phone.)

MARK:  (Mid-conversation.)  …I know, giving Eli Roth the ‘Are You Afraid of the Dark’ reboot was a terrible idea.  That pilot was a bloodbath.  No, literally, it was called ‘The Tale of the Bloodbath.’  Five minutes in, there were sixteen mutilated sorority girls and a villain called the Guteater.  These reboots and reunions, man.  They’re so pathetic.  Digging up old corpses and trying to make ‘em dance.

                (A GIRL enters and knocks on the door.)

GIRL:  Hi, is there where you’re recording the Ren and Stimpy Special?

MARK:  Yeah, are you one of the interns?

GIRL:  No, I’m the talent.

MARK:  Oh.  Okay.  Are Ren and Stimpy getting a girlfriend?  (He laughs.)  Sorry, I was just being sexist.  What’s your name?

GIRL:  Hannah Lum.

MARK:  Okay, Hannah.  Well, everybody was supposed to be here about twenty minutes ago.

HANNAH:  Yeah, sorry, I’m late because it’s me.

MARK:  That’s—what do you mean?

HANNAH:  Well, being punctual—

MARK:  No, I mean, it’s fine that you’re late, but do you know where everyone else is?

HANNAH:  Who’s everybody else?

MARK:  The rest of the voice actors.

HANNAH:  I’m the only voice actor.

MARK:  You’re doing ALL the voices for the special?

HANNAH:  Yup.

MARK:  But that’s—I mean, is that to save money or something?

HANNAH:  No.  That’s how it’s always been done.  Did you ever watch Ren and Stimpy?

MARK:  Yeah, all the time.

HANNAH:  Great.  So you know that it was just one person in a room talking to themselves in different voices?

(He thinks about this.)

MARK:  Wow, that makes a lot of sense.

HANNAH:  There weren’t even any scripts.

MARK:  So you’re just going to go in the booth and—what?

HANNAH:  Talk.

MARK:  And then somebody’ll draw whatever you say.

HANNAH:  Yup.

MARK:  Okay, let’s do this.

                (HANNAH goes in the booth.  MARK goes to a soundboard and does some sound-stuff.)

Okay, Hannah, go ahead.

                (HANNAH performs the entire thing, all the voices, everything.)

HANNAH:  Narrator: Now believe it or not, and I've been known to lie, but this here's a true story. {The camera pans down to show Ren and Stimpy sitting in the street} Now, the desire for food sometimes make strange bedfellers.

{The camera closes in on Ren and Stimpy, both looking tired and hungry. Their stomachs growl loudly}

Narrator: And that's where Ren Hoke and Stimpy come in.

{Ren turns to the camera, insensed at the mispronunciation of his name}

Ren: That's Hoek, you eediot, not 'Hoke'!

{A painting appears, showing a prehistoric battle between five chihuahuas and a cat with a bone on its head. The cat stands in a tar pit and rams one of the chihuahuas' heads against a tree as the other four surround him, ready to attack)

Narrator: Natural enemies in the wild, the cat and the asthma-hound chihuahua...

{Another painting appears, showing Ren and Stimpy standing on a tree stump in front of a large man with trees on his head and an arrow pointing to him that says "Adversity." Ren and Stimpy are smiling and shaking hands, which angers the man}

Narrator: ...have united in the face of adversity. {Ren and Stimpy are shown sweating and staring transfixed at a waving chicken drumstick} Now, old man hunger was just a-gnawing at their bellies.

{Old Man Hunger, a bearded man with a chicken drumstick on his head and wearing nothing but flowers around his waist, chews on Ren and Stimpy's bellies. It cuts to Ren and Stimpy in the park, looking excited as pieces of bread land in front of them}

Narrator: Why, heck, even a dad-gum crust of bread could look mighty appetizing. {Ren and Stimpy peck at the bread like pidgeons and chew it. A hand taps Stimpy's shoulder. He and Ren turn to see who it is} 'Ceptin' o' course if it happened to be some other feller's lunch...

{A large, burly pidgeon stands next to them, beating a blackjack against his palm and looking angry. Ren and Stimpy tremble in fear}

Narrator: ...And old man pigeon wasn't above to give up his meal.

{Ren and Stimpy reluctantly stick out their tongues and the pigeon pecks the bread off of them. It cuts to a stormy night. The camera pans down to show Ren and Stimpy sitting on a drain and shivering in the cold}

Narrator: Well, it looks like Old Man Lady Luck just about run out on these two fellers. {Stimpy holds Ren in his arms as they keep shivering, looking miserable. Ren sniffles} But always remember, when the black hoary clouds of despair darken your doorstep... {Ren and Stimpy look up as the rain stops. The clouds move away from the sun} Look for that one ray of hope, come a-shinin' down from above!

{The screen brightens as a smiling sun shines down on Ren and Stimpy. Handel's "Hallelujah" plays. Ren and Stimpy look up at the sun with wide eyes and embrace. Suddenly, a speeding truck runs over them and they are flattened like pancakes. The truck drives back and stops. The door opens and the Dog Catcher peers out, who was apparently the narrator}

Dog Catcher: Hot diggety dawg! {He whips out a notepad} I filled my quota for the day!

{The Dog Catcher writes something down on the notepad, then whips out a spatula and peels Ren and Stimpy off the sidewalk. The truck starts back up and speeds away. It cuts to a shot of the outside of the pound, which looks like a prison surrounded by barbed wire. A truck outside has "PAIN" written on it. It zooms to a shot of the Dog Catcher's office, where the Dog Catcher stands behind a podium and talks to Ren and Stimpy}

Dog Catcher: You boys are gonna like this place. Yes, we're gonna have a lot of fun, here. {He grins down at them evilly} You boys LIKE to have FUN, don't you?

{The Dog Catcher leans in close and starts to drool. Ren and Stimpy sweat nervously and quickly nod their heads}

Ren: Yeah, sure, fun! Heh, anything you say!

Dog Catcher: {reaching for something under the podium} Go ahead, have fun! {He puts party hats on Ren and Stimpy, then turns around and wiggles his hips} See if I care!

{Ren and Stimpy exchange glances and shrug. The scene fades out. It cuts to a shot of Ren and Stimpy in a cell with a number of dogs. The dogs are dancing, drinking, relaxing and having a good time. "Dog Pound Hop" plays. Ren looks relaxed and Stimpy bounces along to the music. Phil, a large beige dog, sits next to them with his arms behind his head}

Phil: Yeah, this is the life! {A square forms in his stomach} A square meal a day. {He spits in Ren's face} A roof over your head. {He nudges Ren and Stimpy} Whaddya think, boys?

{Ren and Stimpy smile and nod quickly}

Ren: Yes, food, shelter...

Phil: Yep, nothing can go wrong here! Take it from Phil!

{Suddenly, the Dog Catcher grabs Phil's hat and pulls him out of the cage. He leads Phil down a hall as other dogs watch from their cells. Ren and Stimpy watch as well. Ren turns to Jasper, a white dog with blue spots}

Ren: Hey, Jasper. Where they takin' Phil?

Jasper: He's going to sleep!

{Ren yawns and stretches}

Ren: Oh, great! I could use a nap myself.

{Ren turns and walks over to Stimpy, who's picking his nose. He grabs Stimpy and fluffs him like a pillow. The camera pans with Ren as he swings Stimpy to a corner and squashes him down. He dusts off his hands, turns around and flips back on top of Stimpy's stomach. He immediately falls asleep and snores. The scene fades to the next morning. Ren dreams about a beautiful girl while carassing Stimpy in his sleep}

Ren: Oh my darling, my little cucaracha, I KISS your sleep encrusted eyes of morn. {A close up of Stimpy's sleep-encrusted eyes is shown. Ren starts rubbing Stimpy's nose and Stimpy kicks his leg happily} I caress your large bublous nose. {He releases Stimpy's nose and Stimpy wakes up, smiling slightly. Ren grabs Stimpy's face and holds him close} Oh, let us join lips in one final SWEET exchange of saliva!

{Stimpy puckers his lips and Ren kisses him. One of Ren's eyes open as he wakes up, then both eyes bug out at the realization of what he's done. Ren screams, his limbs going all over the place and his eyes and blue tongue bulging out}

Ren: AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGH!!! {He holds his tonuge} I've been poisoned! I must wash myself!! {He runs to the toilet and laps up the water. He turns his head and glares at Stimpy} What's the matter with you, man?!? Have you no sense of hygiene?

{Ren looks around, sensing that something is different. He turns and walks over to Jasper}

Ren: Hey, Jasper. Where's Phil?

Jasper: I told you, they put him to sleep!

Ren: So wake him up!

Jasper: {leaning closer to Ren} You don't wake up... from the BIG sleep!

{Ren smiles and nods his head}

Ren: {thinking} The big sleep... {His eyes bug out in horror, finally realizing what Jasper meant, and he starts freaking out} THE BIG SLEEP! THE BIG SLEEP! {He grabs Stimpy and screams in his face} THE BIG SLEEP! 

{Ren's heart starts pounding out of his chest and he hyperventilates. Stimpy looks confused and goes over to him. Ren sobs on the ground, making a high-pitched whimpering sound}

Stimpy: What's the big sleep, Ren?

{Ren looks up at him and calms down. He grabs Stimpy's tongue and pulls him close, wiggling his finger to whisper in his ear}

Ren: He's... {He screams in Stimpy's ear} DEAD! DEAD, YOU EEDIOT! YOU KNOW WHAT DEAD IS??? Just like we'll be if we don't get out of here!!!

{Stimpy panics and tries to run, but Ren leaps on top of him. He starts crying and slams his fists against Stimpy's back. The scene fades to a shot of Ren and Stimpy sitting in a cell, waiting for their time to come. Stimpy makes a weird burbling noise occasionally, sticking out his tongue. Likewise, Ren moans and has spasms and fidgets. Stimpy's burbling noises increase and his body convulses. Finally, Stimpy's cheeks swell as though he's about to throw up. Ren recovers and looks over at him}

Ren: What? {Stimpy tries to choke back a hairball} Don't do it, Ren!

{Stimpy swallows hard, tears forming in his eyes. But he immediately starts dry heaving and his cheeks swell up again. Before Ren can get out of the way, Stimpy wharfs up a pile of hairballs on him. Ren ends up with a hairball on his head, one around his neck, another around his stomach and three on his tail. He looks angry and repulsed}

Ren: {thinking} I'm covered with hairballs! 

{Ren leaps onto Stimpy's feet and angrily starts smacking him. Stimpy twists and turns with each slap, smiling nevertheless}

Ren: You filthy dope! You fat, bloated eediot! You worm! You stupid...!

{Loud noises are heard down the hall and Ren stops as the noises get closer. He and Stimpy look up and a loud crash sends them falling down as their cell door opens. It's the Dog Catcher, grinning at them menacingly. Just as he is about to grab them, a little girl pops in between his legs}

Girl: {shouting} Mommy, Mommy, I want the cute little poodle!

{She thinks Ren is a poodle, because the hairballs on him look like fur. Ren notices this and smiles, wagging his tail excitedly. The Dog Catcher grabs Ren in his massive fist and gives him to the little girl. Stimpy sits up and watches}

Girl: {crushing Ren in a hug} Oh, he's adorable! {She picks Ren up and starts to skip away} I'm going to take you home and love you and feed you and fix you and kiss you and everything!

{The cell door closes on Stimpy and his eyes widen sadly. The girl skips down the row of cages with a happy Ren slung over her shoulder}

Ren: {cackling happily} I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive!

{Stimpy watches them leave with tears in his eyes, his hands sliding down the bars of the cage}

Ren: {pointing} I'm out of here, Jack!

{Ren frowns and his pointing finger droops when he notices Stimpy is still in the cage. Stimpy sadly waves goodbye. Ren stares at him, then groans and leaps out of the girl's arms}

Ren: {holding up a hand to stop the girl} STOP! You can't have me, unless you take Stimpy too.

{Ren angrily kicks a ladybug at his feet. The girl looks back at Stimpy}

Stimpy: {nodding his head} Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

{The girl thinks about this for a bit. Ren gets on his knees and prays, desperately wanting to leave the pound}

Ren: {praying} Please please God, please!

Girl: {shrugging} Mmm, okay!

{Stimpy goes flying out of the cage and lands on Ren. The girl smiles and clasps her hands together excitedly. The scene fades to a shot of the girl's house. Ren and Stimpy go inside and are amazed at how big and beautiful the place is.They skip forward and run into the girl's mother. They tremble in fear}

Mother: Oh, just look at you cute little things! And what's this?

{She takes a blue sweater and shoves it on Ren. It's far too large for him to move comfortably in, but it fits}

Mother: And do we have a gift for our big, brainless kitty? Of course we do, yeah!

{She takes a litterbox and places it in front of Ren and Stimpy}

Stimpy: My first material possession! Oh joy!

(Stimpy picks up the litterbox, forgetting Ren is in front of him, and shoves it to his chest. Ren gets trapped under the litter}

Stimpy: I can hardly wait to try it!

{Ren pokes his head out of the litterbox and starts coughing out litter he swallowed. The screen irises out on Ren coughing}

                (MARK is impressed.  He comes out of the booth.)

MARK:  That’s—that was great, Hannah.

HANNAH:  Thank you.  Once we lock this in, I thought maybe we could do ‘Aaah!  Real Monsters’ too.

MARK:  You’re doing both?

HANNAH:  I’m the primary voice for all the Nicktoons now.

MARK:  That’s a, uh, big responsibility.

HANNAH:  I know.  My Doug still isn’t where I’d like him to be, but my CatDog isn’t bad.

MARK:  Why don’t you take a break and then we can do it one more time to really nail it.

HANNAH:  Sure thing.

                (HANNAH exits.  A second later, BRUCE comes in.)

BRUCE:  Hey!  Mark, right?

MARK:  Yeah.  Who are you?

BRUCE:  I’m Bruce.  I’m so sorry.  The time the network sent us was all wrong.

MARK:  The network?

BRUCE:  Yeah, for the recording.  Ren and Stimpy?

MARK:  But what about the girl?

BRUCE:  What girl?

MARK:  The girl who just came in and recorded the episode?

BRUCE:  A girl came in and recorded the episode?

MARK:  Yes.

BRUCE:  Who was she with?

MARK:  Nobody.  She was by herself.

BRUCE:  Then who did all the voices?

MARK:  She did!

BRUCE:  By herself?

MARK:  By herself!

BRUCE:  Oh…Well…can you play it back for me?

MARK:  Sure!

                (MARK goes to replay the episode, but nothing comes out.)

That’s so weird.

BRUCE:  Well, uh, the rest of us will be showing up soon, so…you might wanna…not be crazy when that happens.

MARK:  Yeah.  Sorry.

BRUCE:  Hey, no problem.  I’m going to go grab a soda, because I don’t want to be here by myself with you though.  No offense.

MARK:  None taken.

                (BRUCE exits.  MARK seems traumatized.  Lights.)