Evil F***ing Unicorns

And lo, the evil fucking unicorns

Strode through the kingdom

Like their evil fucking unicorn shit

Didn’t royally stink

Brazen were they

As they whipped their hideous manes

And thrust their unseemly horns

Into the air

As if attempting to penetrate

An invisible bird

With their demon seed

Did we but ask our prince

To free us from these pests?

We but did

But did he not say

He was but one man

Albeit a prestigious man

Against the most repulsive foe

Ever set down on the Lord’s dirt?

He but did

The evil fucking unicorns

Destroyed whole townships

On their way to the castle

Simply for the fun of it

Kicking their misshapen legs

Into innocent huts

Stepping on innocent fires

Then putting themselves out

With innocent water

All the while, bringing nothing but sin

And depravity

To the most rural parts

Of the kingdom

The evil fucking unicorns

Ravaged village after village

And still, no one will hunt them

Because of their inaccurate history

Of being noble and dignified creatures

Those stories were started

By chaos-lovers

Who wanted to protect anarchy

By protecting its patriarchs--

The Evil Fucking Unicorns

Now, peace-abiding trolls

And hibernating ogres

Are sought after

By superstitious nincompoops

Who believe that ugliness

Is akin to ignominy

Even though it is the unicorns

Who bear the greatest part

Of Satan’s burden

Their coat shines in the moonlight

To distract the honest man

From piercing it with his sword

And when they howl in the night

It is attributed to the weredogs of the forest

When anyone with a keen ear

Could tell that the baying

Is coming from a curved, hellacious mouth

Blocked only by the most barbaric set of teeth

One could possibly imagine

Girls all over the kingdom are disappearing

As they follow that banshee call into the night

Hoping to ride one of these beasts

As they might their favorite pony

We find them later on

Slumped in front of trees

Their hair a mess

Their state nothing but girlish giggles

And stories of going forth into the night

Their breasts exposed

Their thighs clamped onto the horned dragon

That carried them
Into their spiritual demise

The girls are locked away shortly thereafter

And with so many fair maidens

Now jailed

It appears unlikely our young men

Will have many marriages to choose from

When they are of age

And still the prince refuses

To let us attack the unicorns

As they come towards the castle

Because, he lectures,

It would be a whole thing

Now we dream of mud

Of mud so thick and dark

The evil fucking unicorns

Find their hooves

Trapped in it

It pulls them down

Into its bile

And as they neigh

And ninny

They find it does no good

For we stand around them

--A few feet back for safety’s sake--

And watch as they’re pulled into hell

No more getting caught up

In the innocent flames

Of a pure fire

No more seducing young girls

Who should be off having children

And pleasing their husbands

No more terror

Upon this land

The last thing that shall go under the mud

Are those ghastly horns of theirs

The point slipping under

With one last look of light

That carries off it

And then

No more