(Somewhere in Neverland.)
TOOTLES: Work in an office now, do you?
NIBS: I do, in fact. And you?
TOOTLES: A judge.
NIBS: Brilliant.
TOOTLES: Isn't it? And you'll never guess who I married.
NIBS: Who?
TOOTLES: Wendy!
NIBS: You cad!
TOOTLES: I know.
NIBS: Is she here with you?
TOOTLES: No, she said that Neverland was a place of trauma and stunted maturity and she had no interest in returning to it.
(A beat.)
NIBS: More ale for us then, aye?
(They laugh.)
TOOTLES: Remember when I shot her with that arrow because Tink wanted to kill her?
NIBS: And then you told Peter to kill you because you felt so bad when you thought you'd committed homicide against an innocent child?
TOOTLES: But then she was fine, and we fought some pirates?
NIBS: Those were the days.
TOOTLES: Those. Were. The. Days.
NIBS: Hey, whatever to that lad Potts?
TOOTLES: Eaten alive.
NIBS: By the croc?
TOOTLES: By the mermaids.
NIBS: Dear me.
TOOTLES: Ghastly affair. You don't remember it?
NIBS: I remember the mermaids, but they always seemed rather friendly.
TOOTLES: Oh, that's a lot of bollocks. They'd skin you alive and wear you like a fish-dress if you looked at them the wrong way.
NIBS: But weren't they friends with Peter?
TOOTLES: That's because Peter used to feed them every now and again. Don't you remember his 'swimming lessons?'
NIBS: ...No.
TOOTLES: My god, Nibs, you've blocked a proper amount out, haven't you?
NIBS: I suppose I have.
(SLIGHTLY enters.)
SLIGHTLY: Hallo, you right stinkin' rutters!
NIBS & TOOTLES: SLIGHTLY!
SLIGHTLY: That's Lord Slightly to you. I'm a Lord now. I looooord over things.
(ALL laugh.)
NIBS: What was the hold-up?
SLIGHTLY: I stopped by to see Tink's grave.
NIBS: Awww, Tink.
TOODLES: I still can't believe she's gone.
SLIGHTLY: That's what happens when you star in a Beckett play. Nobody claps.
NIBS: I told her to stick to Pinter. Still pretentious and off-putting, but a bit sexy at least.
TOODLES: Are the twins coming?
SLIGHTLY: Sad news there as well.
TOODLES: Oh?
SLIGHTLY: Heart attack and stroke.
NIBS: My god, are we all just croaking one at a time?
TOODLES: That's what happens when you get old, chap. Could have stayed here and been kids all our lives. Instead my old ball 'n chain convinced us to go back to London with her.
NIBS: We left an island paradise with adventure and sunshine to go to a smog-filled, crime-ridden metropolis.
SLIGHTLY: But staying young forever couldn't have been all that fulfilling if you--Never mind, I can hear how it's nonsense even as I'm saying it.
(PETER enters.)
PETER: Well look who decided to come back!
ALL, but PETER: Peter!!!
PETER: Wait a minute! Who are these old geezers standing in front of me?
TOODLES: Now you knock that off. You know technically you're older than all of us.
PETER: You're right Toodles.
TOODLES: Please, Peter. It's Judge Toodles now.
PETER: I didn't know they let you be a judge if you've shot somebody!
TOODLES: It was with a cardboard arrow and she survived. In fact...We're married.
PETER: You married Wendy?
TOODLES: Yes, Peter, I did.
NIBS: Now, Peter, before you go getting all upset--
PETER: Good riddance. She was a real sad sack. Her granddaughter is way more fun.
TOODLES: Peter, that's MY granddaughter you're talking about!
PETER: Oh right! I didn't think of that. She's got the same gap between her teeth. Bad luck for her, huh? But at least she knows how to party.
TOODLES: You are not to bring her to Neverland!
PETER: But I already have. You know the drill, Toodles. Sorry--Judge Toodles.
NIBS: Maybe we should do something less inflammatory, like reminisce on the good old days.
SLIGHTLY: Remember when I was kidnapped by the pirates and made to sit in a dank cell at the bottom of their pirate ship, desperately trying to scare away the rats that were nibbling at my toes, and all the while wondering if I would die there without anybody knowing?
(A beat.)
NIBS: I meant like--The time we all went dancing with Tiger Lily and the Indians!
PETER: Whoa there, Nibs, I know you all are from a different generation, but they're not called Indians anymore. Neverland isn't anywhere near India. We never should have called them that. I don't know what we were thinking.
NIBS: That sounds very mature of you, Peter.
PETER: Well just because I can't age and my skin will always be perfect and clear, that doesn't mean I can't develop insight and sensitivity to people's feelings.
SLIGHTLY: So what do you call them now?
PETER: Oh, they're the French.
(A beat.)
TOODLES: The French?
PETER: Yeah, they took one of those genealogy tests and it turns out--they're all French.
NIBS: Even Tiger Lily?
PETER: Especially Tiger Lily. She was somewhere around 93%. The rest was Dutch.
ALL, but PETER: Dutch?!?!
PETER: Wild, right?
SLIGHTLY: Peter, what have you been doing while we've been gone?
PETER: Oh, you know, tanning without ever getting sunburned or skin cancer. Learning how to speak French from the natives. Cyber-bullying the pirates. Just being the best version of me I can be, right?
SLIGHTLY: And you don't feel any...guilt?
PETER: Over what? Tink? I told her not to star in Krapp's Last Tape. She wasn't even right for the role.
SLIGHTLY: No! Guilty for all the things that...happened to us here.
PETER: Like what?
SLIGHTLY: Constantly being kidnapped by pirates.
TOODLES: Manipulated by faeries.
NIBS: Falling to the ground from a hundred feet up just because one sad thought popped into our head.
PETER: I told you to just keep singing Neil Sedaka to yourself. Then you'd never come down.
SLIGHTLY: It wasn't all fun and games, Peter.
TOODLES: My brother-in-law Michael never got over coming here. They found him chained to a radiator gripping that teddy bear like it was the scalp of his enemy.
PETER: I'm sorry if you all have some bad memories, lads, but that's just life isn't it? It can't all be rainbows and how-do-you-do's.
NIBS: But it doesn't seem to affect you.
PETER: That's because nothing affects me. That's because I chose to stay here. It's not faerie science. Just don't leave Neverland and you'll do the same thing forever and you'll always believe you're happy despite all evidence to the contrary.
TOODLES: That's the same thing Wendy always says about our marriage.
PETER: Look, you all came back here to enjoy yourselves, so why don't we do just that?
SLIGHTLY: I suppose there's no point standing here caterwauling.
NIBS: Or griping.
TOODLES: Or groaning.
PETER: That's the spirit. Hey! What do you say we go swimming with the mermaids? I bet they'd love to see the lot of you.
NIBS: The mermaids?
TOODLES: Swimming?
PETER: Yeah, they, uh--Well, you know, there really aren't as many people on the island as there used to be, and what with the lagoon rising due to the increased temperature, it won't be long before the mermaids are able to come right up to the door of my little hut here, and boy, I'd hate to have them be hung--unhappy when they do, and I bet swimming with all of you would buy me a few months at least.
SLIGHTLY: You're trying to feed us to the mermaids, aren't you?
PETER: I was hoping that was one of the things you forgot.
NIBS: You never change, Peter.
PETER: But it's charming, right?
(A beat.)
Right?
(A slightly longer beat.)
Right?
The End
No comments:
Post a Comment