This Can Be Home

-- Let's see if this works as a finale. --

"This Can Be Home"

This time
This spot
This moment
This person
This instinct
This place

This can be home

This cafe in Italy
With your best friend
A recent widow
Who still puts on make-up
And tells you funny stories
About rude waiters in Palermo
Who will dress in black
And act like she's wearing bright pink
Making you order the cherry gelatto
Flirting with the old man
Sitting at the next table
And then telling you
How much she misses her husband
Grabbing your hand
And telling you
You're the only sister
She's ever had

This can be home

This backyard
Newly mowed
By your husband
Who loves you enough
To stop loving you
If you don't stop crying
A gazebo with bluebirds
Painted on its ceiling
A small pond
With those Japanese fish in it
That your cat loves to stare at
As if to say--

'One day...Just you wait...'

The swingset
That you're not too old to swing on
The pool
With one green life-saver floating
Serenely around it
The lack of a fence
Inviting anyone to come by
And sit on the patio
And drink lemonade with you
Made from the lemons
You've collected over the years
And your husband appearing
With no shirt
And grass-stained jeans
Wiping the sweat from his forehead
And laughing at you
In your old lady shorts
Reminding you how long it's been
Since the moment
When you weren't sure
You two were going to make it

He hugs you
In full view of the neighbors
And the summer sun
And the cat
And the sky
With your child
Looking down on the two of you
Embarrassed by how much you love each other
Just like he always was

You look at the treehouse
You never took down
And the sign that says
'NO MOM ALLOWED'
That he and your husband made
And you vow never to clean it out
Regardless of if that's healthy or not
You decide what's healthy now
You decide everything
From now on

You look at your yard
And you know
For the first time
In a long time
That this--

This can be home

This church
Where you pray so often
The high ceilings
The stained glass
The oak pews
This...

This cannot be home

Home is the son you haven't spoken to
Home is the wife who you won't touch
Home is the box full of photos
You put away
Two days after the accident

Home lies in the places that are uncomfortable
It sits waiting for you to come back to it
To the aching feeling
To the never-quite-dry eyes
To the raw knuckles
Acquired from punching holes in the wall

Home is not a quiet place
It is a place of rage and grieving
It is a place of fear and vulnerability
It is a place of hurt and healing
It's okay to be those things there
Because that place
That place is home

The child you have left
The wife who sings in the shower
The friends you stopped calling
Because they disagreed with you
The fact that many things aren't thanks to a higher power
They simply are a higher power
They exist in spare change
And they exist in hurricanes
And they are the trees
Not the forest
And you should know the difference

So go home
Because the church
You hide away in
Is your permanent vacation
Away from the life you've been given
But if you return home
It is possible to be forgiven

So go
Go home

That place
Where you hurt so much
You need to be there
And you need to repeat there
Your newest belief

'This can be home'
'This can be home'
'This can be home'

Sitting in your car
In front of Paul's house
Seeing the light on
Knowing he's home
Wondering if he's still drinking
If he thinks about the moment of impact
The way you do
Every waking second

Your son is in the car with you
He's looking down at the gun
You left on the passenger seat
He's not asking you not to do it
He wants you to not want to do it

He won't speak
But he will sit with you
And watch you
While you watch the house
And feel it come over you
The feeling he didn't give you
But one he's been waiting for you

You stop caring
You stop having the strength to care
And that's a different thing
That's acceptable
To everyone
Including you

You slump down onto the steering wheel
You don't stop feeling angry
But it's ebbing
It can't be maintained anymore
The reality of keeping it going
Would mean turning into a monster
Or more of one than you already are

You stop crying
You stop banging your fists
Up against any flat surface
You stop hating your loved ones
You stop beating yourself up
You stop everything
You just sit there
With your son
Who's not there
And you watch the house
And the sprinklers come on

They come on in front of Paul's house
They come on over at Kerri's backyard
They come on in front of the church
That Charles is leaving
He gets wet and doesn't care
Because he's going home
Something spoke to him
It was his daughter
She was saying--

'This can't be home'

In Italy
There's a rain shower
A light one
That refreshes the skin
Like a parched field
Full of crops
That were just about to dry out
And are now renewed

Melinda ducks underneath an awning
Watching old Italian women
Dance around in a fountain
Picking up pennies
And dropping them on top of each other
Saying--

'Pennies from Heaven! Pennies from Heaven!'

And it makes her laugh
And she hears her daughter laugh
And she knows the traveling is done
She can go home now
It's time to go home

The sprinklers come on
And wet the windows of your car
Which is fantastic
Since it hasn't been washed in ages
A weekly errand that died
With everything else

You watch water
Pour over the world
Tucked away inside your car
Feeling forgiveness for the first time
Radiate out of exhaustion
And like an old friend
You're happy to see it

You recline the seat back
And feel your entire body
Release the tension
It's been holding for so long
And you let it all go
Everything

And that feeling of happiness
And that feeling of carelessness
And that feeling of having your son
Be ever present at your side
Even as you end your mourning

That feeling...

That's home