Victor, In Group

-- Influence #8: Nick Hornby --

He was quiet lately
Painfully so
It was a choice
To be so quiet

And until he was
He couldn't imagine
How much noise he must put out
When he wasn't actively trying
To stay silent

Everyone noticed
But aside from minor inquiries
He was left alone
Because it wasn't hard to see
The depth of his decision
That it was painful
But it was what he wanted

He moved in with a friend
A friend who was usually out of town
And in exchange for getting the mail
And feeding the cat
Victor was welcome to stay
As long as he liked

He slept on the couch
With a small blanket pulled over him
And he fell asleep every night
While staring at a shelf
Full of pictures
Pictures of his friend
And the man that left
Over two years ago

If they had been better friends
Victor would have asked his host
How long he planned to wait
Until he took the pictures down
But they were not
So he kept quiet
And fell asleep being smiled at
By people who didn't exist anymore

His job was a comfort
And he excelled at it
When things were going well personally
Professionally he tended to falter
But in times like these
He was a pro

The more compliments he received from his boss
The more he knew he was in a bad way
But he kept showing up
And offering to stay late
Only having the couch to go back to
And the cat that needed to be fed

He felt compelled to talk to strangers
To reach out to people he didn't know
Nobody he knew could help
That's what he knew about them
But maybe somebody he didn't know
Could understand what was going on

He wanted to bump into someone
Start a conversation
An argument
Whatever

And just ask--

Why did he leave?
Why did he leave?

Why?
Why?

Can you tell me why?

. . . . .

He saw an ad for the Group
On the bulletin board
In the staff room

One of his co-workers
Had lost her husband
Three years ago
And had posted the ad
Even though Victor was fairly certain
That she never attended the Group

She was the type of woman
Who talked about everything
But after the death
She got quiet
And then moved to another department
Within the company

One where she could sit at a desk
And stare at a wall
And be left alone

Three years later
Victor took the posting
Off the bulletin board
And shoved it into his pocket

He didn't know if the Group
Would still be meeting
After all these years
But something about the ad
Made him want to pursue it

He never asked himself why
He felt compelled to look into a group
For the bereaved

A.J. wasn't dead
He just left
He was gone
But not gone like that

Still, it felt like a death
It was actually easier
To think of it that way

If Victor thought of A.J. as dead
And not in any malicious way
Just dead, just not of this earth
Then it was easier not to pick up the phone
And dial his number
And beg him to come back

The Group met Saturday mornings
In the library of a local high school
The meeting was at nine
And Victor arrived uncharacteristically early
After drinking too much coffee
And over-ironing his shirt

Slowly the members of the Group
Filtered in and congregated
Around the snack table
Which Victor could tell right away
Was a weekly tradition

They all cast glances at him
Over their shoulder
But not unfriendly glances
Just cautious looks

Victor wondered how many imposters
Showed up to these meetings

Theater students doing character work
Writers looking for good dialogue
Sickos making up fake dead relatives

And now him
But it wasn't the same
He wasn't faking it
His pain was real
A.J. was gone

He belonged here
He kept telling himself that
He belonged here

The leader of the Group
Approached him
With a friendly smile
He looked to be in his early thirties
And they exchanged a handshake

Victor wanted this man
To want him in the Group
He wanted to be the ideal member
The one the Group leader
Would talk about to the leaders
Of other Groups like this one

'Well,' he'd say, 'Let me tell you about Victor.'

'Now there's a guy who knows how to mourn.
He's my favorite.
I shouldn't say that
But it's true.'

His name was Allen
He spoke with a slight pause
Before the last word
Of each sentence
As if wanting to get the finishing coat
On every statement
Just right

He didn't ask why Victor was there
He didn't ask who died
Or how
Which was lucky
Since Victor wasn't prepared to lie
Nor did he plan on it

As soon as someone asked him about A.J.
He would tell them the truth
And then politely ask to stay
Because he needed something
He needed to be helped
He needed something

Something that wasn't therapy
Which he couldn't afford
Or drugs
Which he didn't trust
Or friends
Who didn't understand

He needed this Group
And he wanted to stay
But he wouldn't lie
He wouldn't

. . . . .

Victor was the first order of business
Allen introduced him
And everyone nodded their heads
As if to say
Yes, he's new
We're aware
Let's get on with it

When Allen asked Victor
If he'd like to talk first
He declined
Which apparently was normal
Since the nodding continued
And the meeting moved on

He did want to talk
But he wanted to listen more
He wanted to hear if there was a procedure
A structure for how talking is done
In Group

Victor wondered if the first person to speak
Was actually named Elizia

First off, he'd never heard the name Elizia
And second, it seemed far too exotic
For the rather plain girl
Standing in front of the Group

It was clear that this was a girl
Who would just LOVE to be named Elizia
But whether or not she actually was
Was an issue of contention
At least, in Victor's mind

She spoke about losing her mother
It had happened a few months ago
Which made Victor wonder
If that was considered a long time in Group

The question was answered
With the next person to speak

A man named Gregory
Who had been in the Group
For over five years
And showed no signs
Of slowing down

Victor wanted to ask him afterwards
If he knew his co-worker
The one who posted the ad
In Victor's workplace
But he wasn't sure of how confidential
Everything was supposed to be

Gregory had lost his wife
And whereas Elizia talked about progress
After such a short time
Gregory seemed defensive
Perhaps in response to Elizia
He just kept saying--

'It still hurts. It hurts all the time.'

And sat down
After a few minutes

Victor was already finding this comforting

Before A.J. left
This sort of thing
Would have been unbearable
People sharing their private pain
In a public setting
It wasn't something he begrudged people
It just wasn't something
He would have wanted to listen to before

But now
It was like cream in coffee
It made the dark go away
And made the bitter taste
Palatable

Carrie was the next to speak
She lost her best friend in a car accident
That was a little under a year ago
She looked down when she spoke
And her long hair kept falling in her face
In such a distracting way
That Victor found himself
Not hearing a word she was saying
And the fact that she mumbled
Wasn't helping matters

The last to speak was Raqu
Victor kept staring at the nametag
The 'u' sound was dropped
It was 'Raqu' like 'Rock'
Like Iraq
Like 'Rock the House'
Like--

Stop it

He chastised himself
It was bad enough
He drifted off during Carrie
Now he was spending the entire time
Playing word games
With a grieving man's unusual name

'Ba-Rock'

Stop

Raqu had lost his mother
Just as Elizia had
But he seemed stricken
As if he'd just come from the hospital
As if he'd just heard the news
He wept openly
And pounded on his chest
Every other word

Still Victor was anxious
And couldn't focus on him
He wanted to speak now
He felt he had to speak

At the end of the meeting
He raised his hand
And Allen called on him
He stood
And began

'I met A.J. about four years ago...'

It didn't occur to him
To feel self-conscious
About the fact
That he was talking
About his love for another man

But Gregory seemed a little uncomfortable
And shifted in his seat
Elizia shot him a look
And then looked at Victor
Nodding her head
Silently asking him to continue

'I loved him very much. He's gone now.'

He told them about the good stuff
The late night runs to Krispy Kreme
The snowball fights
Their first apartment
The one that got robbed seven times
Over the course of two months

Why did that seem like a funny story now?
Well, either way it was
The members of the Group laughed
Even Gregory chuckled

Maybe it was just the quantity
Twice in two months would be a sad story
But seven times in two months
Was just comical

He told them about the bad times
The holes in the wall
The sour moods
The public fighting
The time in the restaurant
That actually erupted into a foodfight

Oh, but now that seemed funny, too
Why did all these memories
Wait until A.J. was gone
To suddenly decide to become lovely
Rather than mortifying
As they had always been

He told them about the day A.J. left
And he knew he was walking a line
A line between the truth and a lie
It was all in the wording
As long as he didn't say 'die'
He wasn't a liar
He wasn't fooling anyone
Or trying to

As long as he was careful
There was nothing wrong
With what he was doing

'I came home from work.
And there was a message
On my voicemail.'

The message said--

'I packed my stuff after you went to work.

I'm going to stay with my brother.
I'm really sorry, Victor.

I wish...

Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know what I wish.
I wish I didn't have to do this.

I'm really sorry.

Have a good life.'

Victor still had it on his phone
The first night
Sleeping alone
He played it while the phone was propped up
On A.J.'s pillow next to him
Because it was all he had left

'There was a message, and that was it.
I moved out of our apartment.
I'm staying with a friend now.
I'm miserable.
I'm lifeless.
I'm angry.
I'm everything.

I'm not an anomaly.
I'm not upset in some unique way.
I have nothing interesting to say
About how I'm feeling.
I don't have pretty words.
I don't have eloquent descriptions.
I'm incredibly typical.
I'm the definition of typical.
Which just makes me feel
That much more pathetic.

But it's...
It's really nice
It's nice to be here
I feel better

So
Thank you
For that.'

He sat down
Allen smiled
The smile of a coach
Who just saw a rookie
Score his first touchdown

That made Victor happy
Pleased, a better word
He was pleased

It was a start

. . . . .

The Group quickly became
What Victor had hoped for
The light at the end of the tunnel
A recurring light
That would appear every Friday afternoon

He would sit at home
And work on what he would share
The following morning
Putting together just the right mix
Of heartrending sentiment
And progress

It wasn't phony
He just wanted to have his thoughts
Be as organized as possible
So that he wouldn't waste the week
He didn't want to lose a second
And in addition to that
It gave him something to do
On Friday nights
Instead of watching bad television
And making awful batches
Of what were supposed to be cookies

He brought in his own snacks
Gourmet pastries and expensive coffee
And Gregory, who seemed to mind
Hearing the intimate details
About a relationship between two men
Was quickly won over
Once Victor figured out
That he had a soft spot
For Bavarian cream donuts

After each time he spoke
Victor would get a short burst of applause
Carrie gave him her number
Something that was not against the rules
But would seem to be frowned upon
And asked if he'd like to catch a movie
The poor girl was in dire need
Of a friend

Victor decided that instead of a movie
He would take her to a salon
And have them chop all her hair off
It would be liberating for her

Elizia had become his best Group friend
They chatted before meetings
She was, by far, doing the best
Not that there was a 'best'
But if there were, it would have been Elizia

When she talked at meetings
It was always about doing better
Steps taken towards reclaiming her life
She was seeing a nice man
She had been promoted at her job
She was able to visit her mother's grave
Without collapsing onto it in a fit of tears
The way Raqu still did

In terms of Raqu
He always had questions
His admiration for Victor was palpable
How well-spoken he was
How each time he spoke
It was like a small performance

Raqu could barely get through a sentence
Without choking up
And having Allen stop him
And tell him to take it slow
Take it easy
It's okay

During the only bathroom break
Victor would counsel Raqu in the men's room
Helping him find better words
For what he was feeling
Put together sentences
State thoughts in a way
That would help him keep his composure

In this way
Victor conquered the Group

The only odd hold-out was Allen
He didn't seem pleased with Victor anymore
Twice he'd ask people not to applaud
After Victor spoke
Because it wasn't necessary
And not altogether appropriate

This nagged at Victor
As Allen was the one whose approval
Initially mattered to him the most
But now he felt that it was simply envy

If the Group had any leader now
It was Victor
And he could feel himself
Slowly getting better

. . . . .

Victor took the Group out to dinner
Allen would have disapproved
Which seemed to make the whole evening
That much more fun

They went to a steak house franchise
Right near the airport
Where they could be loud
And laugh
And drink
Avoid talking about the things
That they talked about in Group

Group that day was the best yet
Victor made them all laugh, then cry
He'd been amazing
His thoughts were clear
He used terrific metaphors
Everyone seemed to identify
With at least one thing he said

After he was done speaking
When Allen wasn't looking
Elizia silently clapped her hands
And winked at him

He teased her about it
Once they got their meals
While Raqu was telling a rather dull story
About his next door neighbor
Something about a dog
A noisy dog?

Victor couldn't seem to get the hang of it
He'd mention that to Raqu
That he needed to be more...
Dynamic

He was thinking this when A.J. walked by the table

He was with a group of people
Nobody Victor recognized
But A.J. caught a look at him
As he walked by
And for a second
The air froze

Then he kept walking
As if it was nothing
Victor wanted to scream
He was furious

What happened to him disappearing?
What happened to him being dead?
He was gone
He was supposed to be gone
Why was he here?

He hadn't traveled to the middle of nowhere
This was ten minutes
From where they used to live
His brother lived two hours away

What was he doing here?

He excused himself from the table
Siting a phone call that had to be made
Once he was outside
He texted A.J.
Requesting that he come outside

A minute later
There he was
Looking terrific
The fucking asshole

Before Victor could ask
What he was doing
Back in town
He noticed A.J.'s confusion

'What?'
'Victor, who are those people?'
'They're my friends.'
'You're friends with a forty-year-old man, a scizo girl, some Latina chick, and the guy who waits on me at Starbucks?'
'You go to Raqu's Starbucks?'
'Don't change the subject. Who are they?'
'You have no right to question me about anything. You're supposed to be gone.'
'I'm sorry. Did you think I'd moved?'
'That's what it sounded like in your message.'
'I took some time off. I stayed with my brother. I'm back now.'
'Where?'
'I'm crashing at a friend's place.'
'I hope it's nicer than where I'm crashing.'
'What does that mean?'
'Have you ever woken up to a cat digging it's claws into your face?'
'You moved in with your mother?'
'I'm staying with Richard. On his couch. I got rid of the apartment.'
'I figured that.'
'Good to see you're so torn up.'
'I don't have any interest in discussing my journey with you, Victor.'

Journey?
Did he just say 'Journey?'
His 'Journey?'
Was this a joke?
Was there a hidden camera somewhere?
If he was on a 'Journey'
What was Victor on?
A Death March?

'Fine. Don't discuss it. I'm going back in to sit the with the Group.'
'The Group?'

Damn
He let it slip

'Yes, the Group.'
'They're a Group?'
'Yes.'
'Are you in therapy? Are you in Group therapy?'
'Would that be bad?'
'No, it would be... No.'

But the rule about lying
He couldn't lie
Not even to A.J.

'They're not a therapy group...exactly.'
'So what are they?'
'A...uh...a bereavement group.'
'Uh...did somebody die?'
'Yes.'
'Who?'
'You.'

A.J. gave him the look he gave
During the food fight
When Victor picked up a lobster
Off someone else's plate
And hummed it at his head

It was the look you have
When someone has crossed the line
From anger and frustration
To downright insanity

'You told those people I was dead?'
'No, I didn't. I said you were "gone."'
'But they think--'
'I don't know what they think.'
'Of course, you do!'
'I think they're helping me. That's all that matters.'
'You're lying to them!'
'I'M NOT LYING!'

He hadn't meant to shout
But that was his sore spot
And A.J. knew it
He didn't like being called a liar
Everything was fair game
Except for that

'Fine. You're misleading them.'
'I needed to talk to someone.'
'Is this where you meet? At a steakhouse? What is this? The Crying Cowboy gang?'
'It's just...We're just...hanging out. You know, socially.'
'And that's allowed?'
'No, but our leader isn't here. It's just a fun thing to do.'
'You're having fun with a bunch of grieving people?'
'I was trying to until you showed up.'
'You've lost your mind.'
'Yes, I have. Coming home and finding your boyfriend's side of the closet cleaned out can do that to a person. I hope you didn't assume I was just going get your message and make myself dinner. What were you thinking? What the FUCK were you thinking doing that to me?'
'I didn't know what else to do! I knew if you were there when I tried to leave, you wouldn't let me. You would have cried. You would have begged. You would have--I don't know what! So I couldn't do it while you were there. That was all I knew. I knew I had to get out. That was what I had to do.'

Victor felt the first tear go down
And he wiped it off aggressively
He was not going to do this
He didn't mind crying
But not until he said
What he had to say

'I did what I had to do, too. I had to pretend you were dead. That's what I had to do.'
'That's nuts.'
'You think? You think I don't know that? Let me tell you something. When you start swerving your car into the oncoming traffic lane ON PURPOSE then you believe whatever you need to believe to keep the wheel straight. I needed you dead. So you were dead. It was hard, but it was manageable. You, alive, and out there somewhere, knowing I was in pain, knowing I still loved you, knowing everything you knew, and still choosing to stay away--that WAS NOT MANAGEABLE. So you had to go. And once you were gone, I still had trouble, so I joined a Group. And now I'm getting better. Granted, this isn't really helping my progress any, but next week I'll work through it.'
'What are you going to do? Tell them the ghost of me showed up and told you that you're crazy?'
'First you break my heart, then you mock how I mend it. You are an unforgivable bastard.'

Victor started to walk back into the restaurant
But he was conscious of A.J. not moving
He felt like his legs were going to buckle
He stopped at the door

'You know, Victor, when I left, I knew exactly how you were going to handle it. I mean, I didn't imagine...this, but I knew what you would think. You would think that you won.'

Victor turned around
And stared at him
He couldn't believe
What he'd just heard

'You won because I was the asshole. I left. I took off. I decided not to fight anymore. So you won. I surrendered. You would have hung in there till the end, but in the meantime, life would have been horrible for both of us. You always win. Because you keep all the bad stuff about you locked away in your head. I may be an asshole on paper, but a relationship is not something you can put on paper. You can't just jot down all the things that happened and say, "Here. This is what this was. This was our relationship." It's not just actions. It's feelings. It's...it's not a contest. And if it was, we both lost. Not just me.'

He walked over to the window
Where Victor could see the Group sitting
Talking amongst themselves
They weren't any good with each other
They needed him to unite them

A.J. pointed at them through the window

'You may be a star to those people, but if they knew what went on inside your head--I know. I know what you think, how you judge people, how everything you say and do is calculated, manipulative, good or bad--everything is planned out years ahead of time. Your whole life is like one fucking storyboard. They may love you, but they don't know that. I loved you, AND I knew that. I knew what went on inside your head. If they knew what you were thinking, they'd hate your guts.'

Victor looked at the Group
Gregory, who he'd bribed
By appealing to his over-sized appetite
He picked the steakhouse for him
Because he understood Gregory
And what he needed

Elizia who had to be told she was pretty
All the time, constantly
Who had to be the center of attention
Just like Victor
But who was at least willing
To share the spotlight

Carrie who wanted companionship
Who probably wished he wasn't gay
So they could date
She'd had a crush on her friend
The one that died
And what probably hurt her more
Than his death
Was the fact that she could never say
She lost a boyfriend
Just a friend

Then there was Raqu
His mother took care of him
She coaxed him
Nagged him
Kept him on track
What he missed wasn't just her
It was the support
And as long as it came from someone
He felt himself getting better
He didn't cry as much
Today at Group
He smiled four times
A record

And he heard those words again--

'If they knew what you were thinking, they'd hate your guts.'

He looked at A.J.

'Are you just going to show them what I'm thinking, or are you going to show them what I remember too?'
'What difference would it make?'
'If you show them what I'm thinking, they will hate me. That's true. But if you show them what I remember, what I know, my memories, how I got here, to this--they'd still hate me. But at least they'd understand. But you can't. You can't show them that. But don't be too upset, A.J., neither can I. I couldn't show you either. Maybe that's where it all went wrong.'

Victor walked back into restaurant
Sat down at the table
And when Elizia asked him
Who the man was
He was talking to outside

He said, very simply

A.J.

. . . . .

It had been three weeks
Since his final Group meeting
He had explained what happened
To the Group
That night at the steakhouse

They all left quietly
None of them caused a fuss
Victor thought they might be in shock
But he wasn't going to pursue the matter

Friday nights were once again spent
With bad television
Saturday mornings merely involved
Extra sleep and news blogs

He had moved into another apartment
A small place with no closets
So he'd had to buy dressers
As well as a microwave and towels

He started going out again
Not romantically speaking
But with friends and co-workers
He managed to laugh once in awhile
But it was a slow...

Well, journey
He supposed

The loss of the Group was different
Than losing A.J.
It was like going out on a date
And having it go really well
Only to reveal something too personal about yourself
And then never hear from the person again

It was expected
There was no shock to it
Maybe that's what made losing A.J. so hard
The shock of it

One night, Victor was doing late night shopping
At the supermarket near his house
When he nearly ran his cart right into Allen
Between the frozen foods section
And the pet food

'Oh...hi.'
'Hey Victor.'
'Uh...have you been...well?'
'Sure.'
'Great.'
'Yeah. Good seeing you.'

Allen started pushing his cart
Past Victor
But Victor maneuvered his cart
To block him

'Can I move past you now?'
'I know you think I'm crazy.'
'And trapping me with your shopping cart is going to change that?'
'Did you know there aren't any groups for people dealing with break-ups? None. I went on the computer after...After I told the Group...uh...'
'The truth?'

He felt himself getting angry
But he knew that wasn't fair

'I looked on the computer and the nearest group for people specifically having a hard time with a break-up is five states away, and that's a Christian group, so guess what the odds are that I'd be let in there?'
'I'm not sure what you're getting at.'
'I was in pain. I didn't know what to do. I know you think I'm a bad person, and lately, I've realized that I probably am, but I'm not crazy. I think I've been in pain for a long time, long before A.J. even, and when you're in pain you do whatever you have to do to make it better. That's not an excuse, or maybe it is, but I don't think it's a crazy one. I needed people who understood how I felt, and I felt like I lost someone, then I found the Group. So that's where I went. I'm sorry I did what I did, but I thought you should at least know why.'

Allen moved his shopping cart back a few inches
And surveyed Victor's face
He started two sentences
Before settling on a question

'Are you still in pain?'
'Yes.'
'Think it'll never go away?'
'Yes.'
'Are you in danger of--?'
'No. Not right now.'
'That's a start.'

He looked into Victor's cart.

'Five tubes of cookie dough?'
'I want to make cookies.'
'Okay.'
'And not...you know...destroy them. I'd like to achieve something. I'd like to do something successfully that I've only failed at up to this point.'
'You've settled on cookies?'
'Cookies now, people after, and maybe one day myself.'

Allen smiled
He looked proud again
Like he'd seen a touchdown
From a player with an injury
One he'd dismissed
As not being able to play

'Victor, do you know why I was in Group?'
'I assume it was what you were assigned.'
'You think I could have been leading a stamp collectors' meeting?'
'I...Yeah, I guess not.'
'I lost my brother. Very slowly. He had...Well, it was progressive. It took a year for it to happen, but when it did, it was devastating.'
'I'm sorry. I really am.'
'If you're saying loss is loss, I guess I'd have to say you're right. I've been leading the Group for seven years and I've heard about all kinds of loss. When I started Group I thought my story was the worst. I made a contest out of it in my head. Every week since then I've lost that contest.'
'I know the feeling.'
'But now, I also know that it's not a contest. Hurting is hurting. Pain is pain. When you lose somebody--when you really lose them--it is what it is. There's nothing comparative about it'
'Thank you for saying that.'
'The flip side of it is that the same advice can be applied to just about everybody.'
'There's advice?'

Allen laughed
He put his hand on Victor's arm
And looked him in the eyes
A few weeks ago
Victor would have turned away from the focus
Of genuine attention
Attention paid to somebody weak
Who needs to find strength

But now he stood in it
In the full glare of it
And listened

'Victor, my advice is, you can spend all your time thinking of who's gone, or you can think about who's here. Sometimes that's not always possible, but when it is, you should try it. That's my advice.'

He patted Victor's arm

'Good seeing you.'

Victor remembered something
His mother once told him
That nobody ever gives an asshole advice
His mother had a nice way with words

What she meant was
If you're worth someone
Telling you something
That they think will help you
You should listen
And know that
You can't be all that bad

'Hey Victor'

He turned around
And saw Allen reaching
For a tube of cookie dough

'Maybe you came to the right place after all.'