What I Will Put Up With

-- I was thinking of all the things you say you want when you're looking for a relationship: "Someone funny," "Someone reliable," "Someone sensitive," etc. It occurred to me that everybody would probably say they want the same list of things. A lot of people try stating what they don't want, but the problem with that is you end up not being able to recognize what you don't want until you're saddled with it. So how about a list of things you'd be willing to put up with, but nothing more than what's on that list? Sound good? Let's see. --

"What I Will Put Up With"

I will put up with cursing
Swearing doesn't bother me
My father swears
My mother swears
I've been known to scream obscenities
Out my car window
At people in their eighties
Who apparently have nowhere to be
Ever

So I can handle cursing
That won't bother me

I will put up with balding
If you have hair, great
If not, it's not a huge deal
But don't
For the love of God
Don't
Wear a hairpiece
Or get sockets
Plugs
Whatever they call that stuff
Just don't

I don't mind balding
I'll put up with it
I won't put up
With people who don't just suck it up
And be bald
Just be bald
Okay?

I will put up with families
All kinds of families
Overbearing mothers
Delinquent brothers
Fathers who grab my ass
Whatever
It's fine
I'll deal with it

I will put up with bad breath
I mean, I'll give you gum
But as long as you take it
And chew it
And never say 'No'
And revel in your foul breath
I will put up with you

I will put up with procrastinators
I will put up with forgetfulness
I will put up with mild alcoholism
And I will put up with sports fanatics
As long as the sport isn't polo
Because that's just weird

I will put up with you
If you still talk to your exes
I will put up with you
If you flirt with other girls
As long as they're not as pretty as I am
I will put up with you
If a giant pair of breasts
Attached to a tiny little body walk by
And you look at them
As long as you acknowledge
That those breasts
Are about as genuine as I am
When I tell you that you're satisfying me sexually

I will put up with bad table manners
I will put up with coffee addicts
I will put up with crying
As long as it's during movies involving baseball
Otherwise I'll get suspicious

I will put up with nicknames
I will put up with obnoxious friends
I will put up with obnoxious friends with nicknames
I will put up with barbecues at the homes
Of aforementioned obnoxious friends
With obnoxious nicknames
Where their girlfriends comment
On how 'healthy' my physique is
While I stab you under the table
With the nearest fork
And you'll put up with it
Because I put up with everything else

I will put up with all these things
And I will negotiate every other thing
That comes along
As long as you do the same

I'm not looking for ideal anymore
I'm not looking for the same list of words
That everyone else has
That encapsulates the perfect man
Making him a cardboard cut-out
That we can carry in our purses
And pull out when we need to compare someone
To Little Mr. Amazing

I'm looking for someone bearable
Someone who exhibits all the flaws
I am willing to deal with
And nothing more

And if I find that
I'm good
I'm done
I'm off the market

And if that sounds sad

Well
Trust me
I've put up with much worse