Breaking Up with Peter Pan

I just don't understand...

Is it something I did...?

Is it Tink?

Because if it's Tink
I just want to let you know
Nothing has ever happened
Between her and I

I mean, mainly because
She's the size of a golf ball
But even if she wasn't
We're strictly friends
I promise!

Is it all the pirate fighting?
Because I don't have to fight with them so much, you know?
It's just they keep kidnapping my friends
And then I get the call at three in the morning
With them being like--

'Oh Pete, we're sooo sorry, bro
But um, we're like, on a plank right now
Is there any way you could, um, come get us?
That'd be amazing, bro.'

And I have to go
Those are my bros!

Now, I know you've heard about me and the mermaids
But I promise you, that is all over with
The last mermaid I dated went all nuts
And blew up my coconut phone
Like every hour on the hour

If it were up to me
I would never go near the lagoon again
It's just that I'm really into surfing right now
And the mermaids can't really LEAVE the lagoon
What with the fishtails and all

Huh?

TIGER LILY?

Oh babe, that is SUCH old news

I was done with her years ago

I broke up with her the third time I turned ten

She was such a buzzkill
Always getting mad at me
For flying to London in the middle of the night
Looking for a new mother

No, I'm not in therapy

The last therapist we had on the island
Got eaten by a crocodile

Apparently, Hook is a Scientologist

Look, I know I need to grow up a little
But that's something we can work on together

Just as soon as you're done
Making dinner for me and the Lost Boys
And sewing up the patch in my green tights

Baby, I can't go flying around
With ripped tights!

Well, can't you fix the tights
And THEN break up with me?

Fine

Geez, what a way to spend your thirty-first tenth birthday