He Can't Pay the Rent

His hair is still messed up
From where the graduation cap rested
Three years ago

He still hasn't written
A play, novel, or pamphlet even
Though voices continue
To run through his head
Giving him ideas
Then ferreting them away
So each day becomes another lock
On the treasure chest of his creativity

His mom says he needs a haircut
But he doesn't see the point in looking nice
If you don't have a reason to
And part of him is hoping
That if he looks pitiable enough
Someone will intervene and put him away
Someplace where he can be quiet
And write
And create

And he can't pay the rent

His car engine went
His credit card upped the interest rate
His student loan payments began

And his cute little place
Up on College Hill
Became another bill
He couldn't afford to pay

He took an unnecessary trip to New York
With the hope of being inspired
But as soon as he saw the Providence skyline
He remembered who he was

Another post-grad planning on leaving
For greener pastures
Only to wake up three years letter
And find they haven't even gotten out of bed

He begins to doubt the existence of places

Does China really exist?
Does Australia?
Does London?

If you never see these places
And if you are consciousness
The collective consciousness
Or God, if you're God
And you never see Greenland
Does Greenland really exist?

He sort of believes that if he went to the airport
And bought a ticket for Greenland
The ticket seller would panic
Make a phone call
And his father and mother would appear
With an officious looking man
And say--

'Your suspicions were correct, kid. There is no Greenland. We've been screwing with you your entire life. Sorry about that.'

On the plus side, he would be missing a lot less

But he still couldn't pay the rent

He goes to auditions
And sees them see him
Bury himself in layers
Of insincerity

He recites monologues
From plays he doesn't like
And some he's never read
And attempts to have a 'moment'

You know a 'moment'

Where you're 'acting'

And you're 'real'

And he feels how much he sucks
He can actually feel himself
Sucking the sincerity
Out of the audition room

And he knows that he was a risk back when he was good
And now he's not even good
So who would take a risk on him now?

He starts surrounding himself
With bitter people
He litters his life with them
And they all sit around
Eat appetizers at Friday's
And pretend their friends
Aren't as happy as them

'He got a job touring with King and I? Is it an equity tour? Oh, well then...that's basically like touring community theater...and I don't think...'

'She got a tv show? Is it definitely going on the air? What channel? TBS? Oh, well that's not even really a station...'

'He got a rave in the Boston Globe? Jesus, who even reads the Boston Globe, you know? When I get around to doing something, it'll be way better than that...'

And they much and crunch
On their mozzarella sticks
With sweet duck sauce
Trying to counter
The sour tastes in their mouths

And none of them can pay the rent

Anytime someone tries to help him
Find a way out of the lost day
That's become his life
He pulls up the covers
And goes back to sleep

Not seeing the notice on the door
Or the floor
Or the ceiling
Or the peeling wallpaper
Underneath revealing a message from the previous occupant
Saying--

'Kid, get the hell out of bed and do something.'

A year from now
He'll get it

He will, he'll get it

He'll stop trying to write
'Less Than Zero' and 'Ulysses' and 'The Corrections'
And just start trying to write

And when he gives up
The idea of what success is
And accepts that success is hearing about a friend's success
And saying 'That's great' and meaning it

He'll get it

And he'll get a haircut too

He'll do what he should have done three years ago
But couldn't because nobody explains twenty-two to you
Until you're twenty-five
And by then you're just you're alive

By then he'll be a different guy
With a lot less voices in his head
And enough choices to keep him out of bed
More friends, and less people
And a smaller apartment
With a lot more light

And when he writes out the rent checks now
They cash

And he thinks--

All right