Everything Is Ruined

Hi, I’m not sure

If I’m speaking

To the right person?

Can I have your name?

Jody?

Hi Jody

My name is Mrs. Candace Benson

And I am very upset

Because I paid a lot of money

For your Bouncy Church

And it’s here

And, um, I really would love

To speak to someone about it

Because it is—

I’m very upset

I don’t know if you can tell

But I am very upset

Okay, so—

First of all, the people delivering the Church

Were five minutes late

Which is fine

I’m not upset about that

I’m upset

But I’m not upset about that

I’m not thrilled about that

But I had a lot of other stuff going on today

I don’t know if you have children

Do you have children?

I have a child

And today is his birthday

And we got him a Bouncy Church

Because he wanted a Bouncy House

But we’re Christian

I don’t know if you’re a Christian

Or if you know any Christians

But we’re Christian

And I’m upset

And my son wanted a Bouncy House

But we wanted to get him a Bouncy Church

Because we’re Christian

And he’s three

He’s three today

And the Church showed up late

And the people you sent

To set it up

Couldn’t even speak—

I’m not racist

I just want to say

That I’m not racist

But they didn’t speak English

It wasn’t their, uh, native tongue

I guess you would say

There was some English

They spoke some English
But certainly not fluid English

And that was a problem

Because when they set up the Bouncy Church

It was not a Bouncy Church at all

It was a Bouncy Chicken

Now, I have no idea

Why your company

Thinks that—

Can I speak?
Will I be allowed to speak here?

Thank you

I have no idea

Why your company

Thinks children

Children

Young, innocent

Impressionable

Children

Would want to jump around
Inside of a chicken

But I can assure you

They do not

Out of the thirty-four children

We invited to the party

At least three of them

Did not want to go anywhere near the—

Well, yes

The rest did

Including my son

But that’s peer pressure

That’s all that is

They felt pressured

To jump in that chicken

And I cannot believe

That your company

Would put my child

In a position

Where he feels pressured

To roll around

Inside of poultry

You should be ashamed

Of yourself

I’m ashamed

To even be having

This conversation with you

My son’s birthday party is ruined

His standing with his pre-school classmates

And the classmates from all the other pre-schools in the area

That we invited over?

That’s ruined

His life?

Ruined

My manicure?

Ruined

My marriage?

Ruined

Everything?

Ruined

Everything is

Ruined

My sister was there

My fucking sister

And she got her daughter two Bouncy Houses

For her birthday

One shaped like Jesus

And the other shaped like God

And both Bouncy Houses were connected to each other

And the connective, uh, Bouncy Hallway

Was called the Holy Spirit Hallway

And the whole thing was magnificent

And she is never going to let me forget

That I followed that up

With a fucking chicken

I don’t know if you can tell, Jody

But I am upset right now

I am very upset

I just need you to know that, okay?

I mean, I can’t ask for a refund for the Bouncy Chicken

Because the kids made us keep it up all day

And now my son doesn’t want to send it back

So I actually might have to just pay you for it

Even though I don’t know where I’m going to get the money for that

Since the cost of plane tickets to Greece went up by an unforgivable amount this year

But nevertheless, I just wanted you to know that I’m—

Yes

Upset

Yes, thank you

I’m upset

I’m really glad you understand that, Jody

I’m really glad

You’re listening