Three Hours in Kohls

I got the shirt at Kohls

You know, I went yesterday
Just to get some pants

For Michael’s graduation

And they didn’t have any pants

I looked for three hours

No pants

I asked the girl

She told me they’re getting more pants in

Next week

But what good is next week going to do me
When the graduation is Sunday?

I said to her—

I have a graduation

On Sunday

I need pants

She couldn’t do anything for me

It’s nuts

She agreed with me

That it was nuts

Three hours in Kohls

And not one pair of pants

But I did get the shirt

For Paul to wear

Because he doesn’t have any shirts

I buy him shirts every year

For Christmas

May rolls around

I can’t find a single one of them

I don’t know what he does with them

His shirts

I’m at Kohls every other week

In the summer

Buying him new shirts

And don’t even ask me

About a bathing suit

I’ve given up on them

I can’t find them

You go to Kohls

Every time they have a sale

And you can’t find a bathing suit

That fits right

I don’t know who

They’re making these bathing suits for

But it’s not for women

I’ll tell you that

Three hours in Kohls

And I got the shirt for Paul

And that purse

Ashley wanted

The last time we were in there

She didn’t say anything

But I saw her looking at it

So I got it for her

That was on sale

The shirt wasn’t

The shirt is from last year

And it’s still full price

Nobody knows

How to do a sale anymore

It’s pitiful

All this junk I had to sift through

To find one good shirt

And still no pants

No bathing suit

No shoes for the graduation

So then I had to go to Payless

Oh it was a big mess

Wasted my whole Thursday

I came home and told Paul that

And he said how could it be a waste

When I don’t even work?

Do you believe that?

All of a sudden

He has a problem

With me not working

And I do work

I work at finding him shirts

For his son’s graduation

Three hours I spent in Kohls

What does he think that is?

Leisure time?

Let him spend three hours

Going through thirty different shirts

Trying to figure out

Which one won’t make him look flabby

Then let him tell me about work

Ever since he got laid off from the bank

He’s been on my case

Every day

About what I do

Where I’m going

What am I spending money on

I said—Paul, it’s not like I’m shopping somewhere fancy

Like Nordstrom’s

It’s just Kohls

But nothing satisfies him

I’m just going to start

Walking around naked

I got half a mind too

I’d show up at the graduation

Wearing nothing at all

I might have to anyway

Since apparently

You can’t get a decent

Pair of pants anymore

I’ll just become a nudist

That’ll be the solution

And you know what?

It’ll save me

A whole lot of time