Tony Hooper's Little Sister

First of all, when I woke up on my birthday
And my Mom and Dad weren't there
I thought--

'Oh no!  They went to Florida without me and now I have to protect my house from burglars!  How am I supposed to hang paint cans from the ceiling?  I just figured out multiplication!'

But then I found Grammy Hooper
In the living room
Watching 'The Old and the Beautiful'
And she told me
That my little sister
Was born that morning

'Wait a minute,' I said, 'Does that mean now I have to SHARE my birthday?'

Grammy clapped her hands
And said 'Yes!'

Geez, I thought, I'm glad one of us is excited about it

That's my first of all

Second of all, my little brother Harry Hooper
Made fun of me all day long

'You're going to have to have JOINT birthday parties,' he said, 'And because she's a girl that means pink everywhere and teacups and no cake because it has carbs in it!'

My brother knows a lot about nutrition
I know a lot about the movie 'Captain Kill and the Army of Death'

One of us is cool
And the other isn't

That's my second of all

Thirdly, I didn't even want to see my sister when my mom brought her home, because she was taking my birthday, my parents' love, and a third of my inheritance.

'Inheritance' is a word my Mom taught me when her mother-in-law died.  She said 'we got our inheritance' and I said 'what's an inheritance' and she said 'it's the cheap jewelry and ugly furniture you get when somebody you're related to dies.'

That means now my sister was going to get the ugly couch I love!

It just wasn't fair.

'Tony,' my mom said, 'Don't you want to say hi to your little sister?'

I decided to pluck it up
And put on a smile
So that maybe I could at least keep
Half the ugly couch

My mother picked her up
And put her in my arms
And when I saw my little sister, Hedda Hooper, for the first time
It was pretty amazing

She did kinda look like a turnip
But, well, I kinda liked her anyway

She put her hands up towards me
And smiled
And from that moment on
I didn't really mind
That I had to share my birthday

After all, a birthday's supposed to be a day you share
With the people you love
And I had a feeling
I was gonna love my sister a lot

...Then she puked on me

I guess that's not
That's the happiest way
To end the story

But it is my third of all

After my Mom put Hedda to bed
We all went in the kitchen
And there was my birthday cake
With Captain Kill on it

He was sitting next to a princess
And they were both sipping tea

So I guess the moral of the story is

As you get older
Life gets more and more weird