Monday, June 18, 2018

Immune

I’m going to confess something to you
And then I don’t really want to say
Anything else

And it’s not because I don’t like you
Or this project
You seem nice
But I just have one thing to say
And I’m going to say it
And that’s going to be it

Okay?

Okay, so—

I used to be one of those people
Who thought that one of the ways
You prevented, uh, getting attacked
Was to watch how you dress

I’m a very conservative dresser
And just overall a pretty conservative person
And I just never saw myself
Being in a situation
Where anything would happen to me
Because I thought it was about the kind of choices you make
About, uh, where you go
And who you hang out with

And how you present yourself
To the world
That kind of thing

I felt pretty confident
That I would never find myself
In a position
Where I would be, uh
In any kind of trouble
Because, again, you know
I’m very old-fashioned

Always have my boyfriend with me
Always have my wits about me
I don’t drink—at all

Not at all

And so when, um…

Okay, so what should I tell you
About this
That’ll…

My boyfriend was the one

He was the one who, uh
Who did it

And at the time
We were at this party
And he had been drinking
But not much
And, uh
I was wearing—

Gosh, I think I was wearing
Like a sweater
It was winter
And I had just had a cold
And my hair wasn’t—

I did not want to go to this party
I remember telling him, my boyfriend—

We had only been together—

It was new
It was a newer thing
We had been together
For about two months
Met at another party
And he was great
He was a good guy
I thought
You know
I thought he was

And I didn’t want to go to this party
Because I remember thinking
I looked a mess

I mean, that was exactly
How I thought about it

But I go with the flow
When it comes to the guys I date
And what they want to do

So we went to the party
And it was fine
I made the best of it
Even though I really
Just wanted to go home

And so we go back to his apartment
And when we get there
He immediately is just—

Very all over me
Very pushy

And I sort of laugh at first
Like, I think he’s joking
And then, uh
It becomes very clear
That he’s not joking

And I notice that the more I’m resisting
The more he’s, uh, getting pushy
And kind of—

It was like he was trying
To overpower me

And he’s got, uh, quite a lot of weight on me
He’s like twice my size

And this wasn’t even happening
In his bedroom

This was on the floor
In his kitchen
Like—

On his kitchen floor
And I—

I only wanted to say
That I was, uh—

The argument about—

Because he used it
That argument
Probably because
We had actually talked about it
About how neither one of us believed these girls
Who wear this or that
And then get raped
Because it’s like—

Well watch yourself
Watch how you present yourself

But he’s full of it
Because there I was
On his kitchen floor
Not looking any kind of way at all

And I feel terrible
About what I used to say

I feel like a piece of you-know-what
Because that was stupid of me

I’ve met so many women and—

And that’s what I wanted to say

It’s got nothing to do with anything
But that guy
And whatever it is
He wants to take from you
And when he wants it
And the fact that he thinks
You owe it to him

I could have been wearing
An astronaut suit
And he would have done
The same damn thing

I was his girlfriend
And so he could do whatever he wanted
And he was older than me
Had his own apartment
And he’s good-looking
I won’t say he wasn’t
But he thought that all that
Meant he had the right
To do whatever he wanted
Not just to me either
But just—as a way of life

That he could have it all
And have it how he wanted it
And I helped with that

Right up to when
He threw me on the floor
I was telling him
That everything he thought
Was right
And that I was his
And I just—

I just gave away my power
I just gave it away

It doesn’t mean I’m to blame
But—

But I’m mad that I thought
I was immune to what happened to me

That anybody is immune

I thought if I trusted men
Really trusted them
And let them know
That I trusted them
They would feel responsible
For protecting me

And that’s not how it works

Once they know you’re vulnerable—

And we’re all vulnerable
That’s the thing
We all are

No matter who you are
Or how you think about…

We’re all in the same boat

That’s what I think

That’s what I think now

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