This Will Change Us Both

I don’t know why I was thinking about him

He was, uh—

He wasn’t what I

Wanted to be thinking about
In that moment

But, uh, even as it was happening

That’s what I was thinking about

And you asked me to be honest, so—

So that’s the honest part, uh

Part of me?

Acknowledging that, yes

Yes, I was thinking about him

Thinking about how—

How, like, I wasn’t going to be the same

After this?

But also, how, like,

He wasn’t going to be the same either

You know?

Like, this—

This was going to change us both

And I mean, if I could have stopped

And sort of--

Left my body

While this was going on

And tried to--

To--

And you know, sometimes

I fantasize about that

About doing that

Going back into that moment and uh--

And I would say that to him

I would say--

This will change us both

And to be honest with you, like—

I don’t feel different

Um, I just feel like the old me

The person I was—

Or, like, the person I am

Isn’t, uh, has been—

Has been, uh—

Really hurt

Really—

That she’s really

Been through something

Something traumatic

But, uh, I don’t feel like—

Like I’m a totally different person

And I actually—

I actually get mad

When I think people are treating me

Like I’m a different person

Because I’m not

But, uh, I’ve seen him

Since, um, the—

Since what happened

Happened, and uh—

He seems very different to me, you know?

He just, uh, he doesn’t seem the same

At all, and uh, I know—

Well, I had known him

Really well

Before that

And, uh, I really liked him

I always really liked him

We were friends

And, um, obviously

That’s not the case anymore

But, it’s not even so much

About what happened, because—

I don’t want to be, you know

Controversial about this

But, uh, I think, at least in this case

You know—

Did he, uh, did he rape me?

Yes, you know, he—

And I’ve had to—

I really want to say

That I’ve had to work

Really hard

Just to get to a place

Where I could say—

Yes, I’ve been raped

And that, yes, he was the one

Who raped me

Because that meant, uh, you know

Thinking of him

As a rapist

And that was—

That’s not easy at all

For me

That’s—

I mean, thinking of me as a victim?

I don’t like that

But, uh, I got there first

Believe it or not

Got to the place where

I could identify as a victim

And sort of—neutralize that word

So that I could own it

And turn it around

And make it about surviving

And not just leave it at victimization

But, uh, what I really—

What I really had trouble with—

Was giving this guy

This person

Who I’ve known

Since I was fourteen

Even before that

The—

To think of him as being…

You know, he’s a rapist

He—he raped me

He’s a rapist

He’s my rapist

And, uh…

That’s what changed

You know

And in terms of, uh

Dealing with things

Having trouble

Dealing with things

That, uh—

I want to be honest and say—

That was the hardest, you know?

Knowing that, uh, maybe I could keep me

Once all of this was over, but…

He was gone

That person that he was

To me

And, um, you know

Maybe to other people?
Maybe to himself?

That guy was—

He just doesn’t exist anymore

And so, uh, why did that have to happen, you know?

Why did all this

All of this

Have to happen?