Smaller Than I've Ever Been

The visualization I use

Is about becoming bigger

I tried a lot of techniques

And that was the one

That calmed me down the most

Just thinking of myself

As bigger

Because, um,

That’s something—

Size

That’s something

That makes me feel, um—

I just felt really small

For—while it was happening

And also afterwards

I just shrunk

I mean, that’s how it felt

Like I had just—

Like I…

As if I were, you—

Almost invisible

Uh—

And there was a physical

Feeling to it

Not just, um—

I’m not just talking

Psychologically

Or, like, what was in my head

There was an actual

Feeling to this

That I felt

Where I would just—

Like, my body would

Cave it on itself

That’s how it felt

And there were all these health problems

I was having

That were not the result of

What happened

And people were talking to me

Like it was, um, psychosomatic

And, um, I thought that might be it too

And I’m sure, in a way, it was

But also, I remember thinking—

My organs are collapsing

My body is collapsing

In on itself

I know what’s going on

I know what’s happening to me

But you can’t say that to doctors

That you’re shrinking

You know, I—

I didn’t feel like

Being sent back to the—

I spent time in the—

After it happened

I spent time, um—

I had to get my head back

You know?

I was—

I was in really rough shape, but—

This was separate

From what—

Like, there were things

When I was dealing with—

Mental, um, things

That—

That were real

Real problems

And this problem

Was not that

This problem was something—

But it’s hard to tell, you know?

Obviously

After you’ve had actual mental problems

Your judgment is just gone

When you’re thinking about—

What’s real and what isn’t

But I just knew

That I felt so small

I—

I felt smaller

Than I’d ever been

In my life

So when I started doing the visualization

That’s what I tried to fix

I tried to change my perception

Of how big I actually was

It was like—

Like, I thought I was doing magic or something

By—by—

By actually

Willing myself

To grow bigger

And, um, I’m still working on it

It’s still something

I do every day

That—

That makes me feel better, um…

A little better

Better than I was

Before I did it

It’s really, um—

It’s really the only thing

That does make me feel better

It’s the only thing that’s managed to, um—

To give me some of that power back?

To make me feel like

Maybe one day

I’ll be strong again

Because I really, um, before this

I would have categorized myself

As someone

Who was really strong

And now—

Now I just don’t feel that way anymore

Yeah, so…

So that’s something

I’d like to have back