Detective McGruff was still recovering
From his time held captive
By the cartel
They kept him tied to a chair
For days on end
And the only water they gave him
Was poured over a chupacabra
Into a sullen bucket
And then offered to him
As his guards sneered and snickered
Theirs were the first throats cut
When McGruff dislocated his paw
So he could slip it out from under the rope
Not tied properly
By these tontos
Who were soon lying in their own blood
As the doggie detective
Made his way through the basement
Of the mansion
Where he was being kept
Upstairs he found a decadent pool party
Where the leader of the cartel
Was hosting his biggest dealers
And a bevy of topless women
Carousing underneath a cheap, plastic waterfall
The women were innocents
Or at least that’s what McGruff
Wanted to believe
So he bided his time
Lapping up water
From a bowl on the floor
Meant for the cartel leader’s pet pitbull
McGruff saw the pitbull
Out of the corner of his eye
Ready to pounce
So he shot him a look
That said--
This isn’t your fight, Asesino
The pitbull, whose actual name
Was Babydoo
Decided to play it safe
And went for a nice piss
On the new carpet
In the cocaine room
McGruff hung back
As servants moved
Throughout the house
Looking to make his move
At a time when he could minimize
The carnage
Finally, the moment arrived…
The staff brought out a cake
A birthday cake
For one of the second-in-commands
And as everyone was singing
McGruff came bounding through the cake
As the screams of the party guests
Was punctured
By the swift whistle
Of bullets
But McGruff was already using
The body of one of the Mexico City dealers
As a shield as he chomped on the hand
Of the main dealer
From Guadalajara
On the other side of the pool
He saw the cartel leader
Surrounded by bodyguards
Making their way
To the nearby helipad
The pup had to move fast
He bounded towards the security circle
His trench coat filling with the air
Now stained with red plasma
And chlorine
When he reached the first security guard
He jammed his magnifying glass
In the man’s eye socket
The second guard
Got whacked in the face
With McGruff’s tail
And then a paw paw
To the gut
That had him doubled over
The third was a former Israeli
Special Forces assassin
But McGruff trained
With Rin Tin Tin
And Lassie
And he fears no man
Three seconds later
The assassin was beheaded
And the leader of the cartel
Was standing in front of a helicopter
Holding a gun on the canine
Telling him not to take
One more step forward
That was when McGruff pounced on him
The bullet missing his snout
By mere inches
And cartel leader went
Into the propellers
His body becoming nothing more
Than shreds of skin
Spilled over the imported grass
McGruff commandeered the helicopter
And flew it over the border
It was just another day
On the job for him
He thought about that moment
Standing over the scattered remains
Of the cartel leader
Taking his time
To light a cigarette
And say
Just before he boarded the copter--
‘Don’t use drugs’
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