I Just Saw Her!

(A game show set.)

TRACY: We're back with America's favorite game show--'I Just Saw Her!" The game where children try to guess whether or not their mother thinks she just saw somebody that she hasn't seen in decades. Our contestant is Maya. Hi Maya.

MAYA: Hi Tracy.

TRACY: Are you ready to play 'I Just Saw Her!'

MAYA: I am and also, please follow me on Instagram @OhMayaGod.

TRACY: Great. Let's begin. Your mother is in a soundproof room, but I'm going to turn on the sound in there now before I ask you the first question. Linda, can you hear me?

LINDA: Who's this? TRACY: This is Tracy, the host of the show.

LINDA: Are you the woman I spoke with on the phone? TRACY: No, that was our producer.

LINDA: She had a strange accent. I think she was Greek, like my friend Connie.

TRACY: Well, it's not really--

LINDA: Never loan a Greek person money. The whole country is full of deadbeats.

MAYA: Ma!

LINDA: Is that my Maya?

TRACY: Yes, she's here next to me, and we're getting ready to play.

LINDA: Did she get a haircut? MAYA: Oh no.

LINDA: I told her to get a haircut before she came on the show today.

MAYA: Just tell her I got one.

TRACY: Uh--

LINDA: She looks so nice when they trim a little off the front, but she puts up such a fight about it.

TRACY: She looks great, Linda, and I'm turning off your sound now.

LINDA: You know, Connie's husband had this wart on his back that--

TRACY: Annnnd she's off. Okay. Maya, I'm going to give you the name of a person and you have to tell me if you think your mother will acknowledge the fact that she hasn't seen that person in a long, long time, or if she'll say--I JUST SAW HER!

MAYA: When do I get to tell her that I'm dating an atheist?

TRACY: Uh, hopefully not on this show.

MAYA: I thought it could boost ratings for you. I really want to walk away today with at least a thousand more followers.

TRACY: First person! Um--let's see--Yes. Her friend from high school--Tonya Mattarello.

(A beat.)

MAYA: I'm going to say she'll know it's been a long time since she last saw her.

TRACY: Let's find out. Linda, can you hear me?

LINDA: It's so hot in here. Is the air on? TRACY: I'll look into that. Linda, tell me--when did you last see Tonya Mattarello? LINDA: I just saw her.

MAYA: Ma!

LINDA: What? MAYA: Tonya Mattarello has been dead for twelve years!

LINDA: That can't be. I just saw her.

MAYA: Where? LINDA: I bumped into her at the market. She had just come from voting.

MAYA: Who did she vote for? LINDA: I don't talk politics with my friends.

MAYA: Who did you vote for that day?

LINDA: Ronald Reagan.

MAYA: Jesus.

LINDA: He was a good man. So handsome.

MAYA: Please don't compliment Ronald Reagan on national television.

LINDA: He made you feel good about being an American. Did he sell weapons to terrorists? Maybe. Do I throw the first stone? I do not.

TRACY: But unfortunately--you don't get a point for that. Let's turn the sound back off.

MAYA: Okay, I'll get the next one.

TRACY: I'm sure you will. When do you think your mother believes she last saw--Cindy Frasier?

MAYA: That's one she'll barely even remember. She's not going to say 'I Just Saw Her.'

TRACY: All right. Sound on. Linda? LINDA: I am sweating up a storm in here.

TRACY: Linda, tell me about Cindy Frasier.

LINDA: I just saw her.

MAYA: You did not!

LINDA: Maya, I just saw her.

MAYA: When? LINDA: At Mikey's christening.

MAYA: Mikey is in COLLEGE now!

LINDA: Is Cindy Frasier the one with the bad skin?

MAYA: Yes.

LINDA: I just saw her!

MAYA: Stop saying that. You did not.

LINDA: She was at the barbecue we went to where your father got food poisoning.

MAYA: That was Cindy Tanner.

LINDA: Who the hell is Cindy Tanner? MAYA: The woman with the bad skin that served Dad that weird looking chicken.

LINDA: Oh. (A beat.) Then who the hell is Cindy Frasier? MAYA: Mikey's godmother.

LINDA: I just saw her!

TRACY: Let's go to the final round.

LINDA: She had bad skin too, but I better not say that.

TRACY: Sound off. All right, Maya, this is it. You need this point to stay in the game or we bring out the next contestant and torture them. Hahahaha but really, nobody ever wins this game.

MAYA: I knew I should have gone on Wheel of Fortune, but that wheel looks so heavy.

TRACY: When was the last time your mother saw...your Aunt Ida?

MAYA: Oh. That's--Actually, that's easy. She sees her all the time. She lives right next door to her.

TRACY: Are you sure? MAYA: Yeah. She's going to say she just saw her. Their living room windows are facing each other. This is a no-brainer.

TRACY: Let's see. Linda? LINDA: --And she nearly dropped the baby right into the holy water. But I didn't want to be the godmother anyway, so what do I care?

TRACY: Linda, this is the last round. You and Maya need to get this point.

LINDA: Good, because I don't want to be here all night. I have tickets to see Pat Benatar at the casino tonight.

TRACY: When was the last time you saw...your sister Ida?

(A beat.)

LINDA: Oh, I really don't know.

MAYA: Ma, what are you talking about? You see Aunt Ida every day.

LINDA: I don't remember when I saw her last. It's been awhile.

MAYA: No, it hasn't! She was at dinner last...ohhhh no.

LINDA: I don't remember that dinner.

TRACY: Maya? MAYA: They got into a fight at Sunday dinner. She thought my mother burnt the sauce.

LINDA: Do I even have a sister? I think I do, but who can say?

MAYA: Mom, stop this. You need to admit you saw her recently.

LINDA: Imagine telling me I burnt my sauce.

MAYA: Ma.

LINDA: The sauce I've been making for thirty-eight years.

MAYA: Just say you saw her.

LINDA: No idea who would say something like that. Certainly not a sister.

MAYA: You can say she's a jerk, but just admit that you saw her last Sunday!

LINDA: Maya, I can't say I saw a ghost.

MAYA: How is she a ghost? LINDA: Because she's DEAD TO ME!

TRACY: And that wraps up our show.

MAYA: No, wait!

LINDA: I hope Pat plays 'Shadows of the Night.' My friend Tonya used to love that song. I should hae asked her if she wanted to go with me.

MAYA: She's dead, Ma.

LINDA: I JUST SAW HER! TRACY: Good night, everybody!

(The MUSIC plays.)